just keep breathing

it has been about 10 days since i have posted anything. Rather busy, and today because of sickness i was stuck at home, kinda suffering because of the amount of stuff that i need to study. It just hit me, why on earth am i bothered with how the market system runs, why on earth would i care about the cold war, it is already long passed, and why... why would i bother about Mr Darcy and Bingley. Studying is becoming heavier and there is the feeling of giving up, not because it is too difficult but i have begun to be clouded over what i want to do after JC. After that day when my teacher asked me ... so after JC where do you want to go ? i was stumped. i thought in my head, english language and literature, and a minor in theater studies ( that was my standard answer ) then it struck me... do i really want to do that ? I guess it is just the stress and the pressure of scoring well for the A levels... but come to think of it, i really have no clue what i truly and desperately want. University is like this nirvana, like olympus, where the teachers all claim is the "best" place in education. Well i doubt, tell you what ... i bet it is study study and study... AGAIN ! well looking it in a brighter light ... it will at least be something that i like to do :D... 

Some of my friend already have ideas of where they want to go, like to do art history or perhaps go overseas and attend culinary school, and I ... well stuck no where ! I wanted to be a poet, i mean full time poet... it is hard work i swear! every poem drains me physically and mentally. It is beginning to be frustrating to feel as though i am fighting for an invisible goal. Being a poet will definitely mean i will starve and suffer... so i thought hmmm perhaps a part time teacher as well... i really really really don't know. giving up seems too easy ... i guess that is the only thing keeping me on... it is that giving up is just too easy, just too easy that i need to show myself that i am able to just get through it alive, with me ... breathing breathing breathing. 

Well the past ten days have been rather interesting, i have desperately tried to survive on as few hours of sleep, and to continue working and working and working, well today my body decided, NO MORE! and just cut blood supply to the brain... resulting in a dizzy spell that let me see what it feels like to die. And after that an amazing headache as bad as the sumatran earthquake... definitely impossible to survive. fell back on to my bed, slowly, slowly.... breathing ... am i ok? should be fine... i am still breathing breathing breathing.

School is not that interesting to rant about especially the study part because ... all i can think of is ... study - good for future... not good for current self (drains the mind body and soul... even brands essence of chicken is not enough). It is that simple...OH OH !wait i must talk about the chinese B oral... which was amazingly easy... to imagine the oral was about cutting apples. Needless to say, it was dreadfully dreadfully easy, i wanted a challenge not so much of a walkover nonetheless it was quite a splendid thing. My friend was trembling and rather anxious so the only thing that i could tell her was to keep calm and continue breathing breathing breathing...     

I also realized over the past week i have purchased quite a number of books within the span of 2 weeks, now i have about 5 or 6 new books... and am still plowing through the books... desperately... my table is getting messy, really really messy, there are about 5 stacks of paper and books all piled up on the table. dirt, dust, eraser stuff, ink, headphones, ipod, fountain pens, normal pens, pencil, sketches... all on my table. I think it builds up the stress level, and just makes the body incapable to function properly. faltering and just failing to write anymore, failing to keep awake, only breathing breathing breathing...

Poetry has been depressing me. The incapability to write and compose new poems all really really drains me. Even when i have the feeling to write, i realize that i have no ability to pen the exact thing that i feel. There is a friend that is becoming really really a pain and a true thorn in the flesh to bear. It is truly like christ said "father please take this cup from me !" it has come to such an extent. painful to bear. Even as i type this i kinda pity him, cos he somehow clings to me and then i dont know how to tell that friend that i... i just ... i'm sorry... i'm sorry that what you believed to be true of me was just me tolerating you, and... sorry, i was a fake. As Edgar said "speak what we feel not what we ought to say" I guess if we conform and say the false things... we will suffer and suffer badly. the longer we drag it out the more it will hurt, the more the pain will keep and the more we have to make up :( . Anyway back to poetry :D... I have been having experiences that can be written about and i have actually have come up with the poem verbally but penning it down well... it is harder and my brain just would not allow me to. this hindrance is making me build up and just build up, like a volcano... to let out all the frustration, all the hurt and all the pain and joy at the same time in a blood red mess on the paper (no i did not cut myself). It will just be as it is. messy. I just want to shut out the world, shut out the noise in my head and just play the music over and over and over like a refreshing wave, like a breeze in the morning that wakes me, that brushes over me... blow through the blinds according to my breath, silently sitting there curled up, breathing breathing breathing. 

My econs teacher does not want to see me any more... well apparently so... FINE LAH DON'T SEE ME LAH! last week say... that a B is achievable but now she does not want to see me. humph ! i can understand that she is busy, i mean her schedule was utterly dreadful when i saw it. I can understand... but i guess sometimes i take what people say too seriously. I guess that is my achilles heel, it is the thing that will definitely kill me. Along with that i had a consultation with a teacher, and of course pulled my little trick of handing her essays that had been marked by my other lit teachers and it was really really just to see how she marks and the quality of her marking. trust me it was way off ! it kinda put me off... that she taught literature the way she did. I have never seen literature in black and white, well this is probably the first time. One of my lit teachers says she is from a different time where it was somewhat marked differently. erm... different time indeed! to think that insight on literature matures with age... i was severely wrong. Well after my other literature teacher passed away, i guess i had a fixed image of what a more mature lit teacher taught like, apparently i had been deceived. hah! teachers... they are the ones that mark our work, take the crap of the principal, take the paper work, take crap from us... and stay back to see us, forgoing dinner and lunch and their families... these are the unsung heroes... and here i am groaning about them... sigh... sometimes i just take them for granted. I know they have 24 hours and about 25 of it is spent in school... so i can understand if a teacher does not want to see me... i just have too remain calm and just keep breathing breathing breathing. 

Along with that... there is the NS check up that i did recently... well... i went for the check up.. it was tiring. They made me run on a trek mill and run and run and run till something happened to you :D ... good or bad... either way i had no idea what was happening ... nearly fainted after that ... the spots were coming through my vision and... it was difficult to breathe. If that had killed me... it would have been hilarious!... i mean i have already studied so much and then to die before the A levels is just a waste. really really a waste... ARGH ! i am annoyed ... really really annoyed and ticked off for no apparent reason ... stop... and just keep

breathing breathing breathing.......