Right on.... So i finally realized what has been so wrong with my life and all the amounting mistakes that have finally plagued my life ... BUT before that i must explain the trigger for this recollection and sudden epiphany that struck me yesternight. Surprise surprise it was a movie ... coco avant chanel... mais in proper anglaise it is coco before chanel. So briefly the movie was talking about the life of coco chanel before she became popular and started to franchise greater into fashion for French women. Obviously she was stared at at parties, stared and nearly jaw dropping at occasions where she was in front of people. Of course she did not dress as convention told her to. Which is quite similar thinking about it, wearing really odd clothing out to school events and for different occasions. Anyway, that was not the crux of the matter. The crux was that she was brought up in a nunnery and later became really wild... so that got me thinking... nunnery really controlled lead to a wild child in a tavern .... hmmmmm.......
I personally have been brought up in a mildly controlled household, there is freedom yes i agree and perhaps some room for reasoning... However what was greatly repressed was perhaps..well you guessed it sex.... and you must be thinking ...oh sex again sigh ... no no i will not delve into the long story again and again about the sex thing... it is slightly overstated. Yea I have been sexually repressed for what... 14 years i think. Yea like from young kissing scenes were blocked from my curious eyes. Even small acts of hugging between men and women I was forbidden to see. Needless to say obviously scenes of intimacy were completely censored from my knowledge. Even the mention of sex or even the mention of boy girl relations were considered unfit for my hearing and i would be locked away and told to go play or something else... And the final blow to it all, put into a all boys school, where there would be absolutely no possible way that i could EVER know about what ever they were trying to block my mind to... Sigh
Apparently that caused your truly to grow up sexually repressed and perhaps wanting to know ? i really dont know, but there was much confusion and at the same time there was this need to break away from family and take up my own stride. To be nothing like them even though we may look similar but there was no way i was going to be like them. So i changed the manner of my speech, changed my fashion sense, changed anything and nearly everything that could possibly tie me down to my family. I guess when you tie down a child for too long he is bound to strike back in his own way. So you may wonder what the hell does this have to do with the sexual repression part... well i guess me being me I have taken up my own views on it, if you want to know read my sex post... it is somewhere below... Also anything that my mother calls fashion NOW i realize is conventional fashion, Ed Hardy, Von Dutch and all the others... After being deprived for soooo long of self choice, EVEN TODAY my mother will still interfere with what i wear CAN YOU BELIEVE IT ?! IT IS ABSURD... so the only way is to break away, create what i call my own and establish self independence... you may think i am crasi. You may even say that what i wear is totally ridiculous, I guess beauty is seen by the beholder. I have decided no more will you decide for me what is right and what is wrong... I will decide and be firm about it. Even if it means getting myself into deep waters and even if it means to experiment and undergo great torture and pain, I will still do it because I am my own. Independent nation.
Right now all I can do is just prepare and get ready for flight, get ready, I am sick of sitting around and not doing much, Got to be something someone someday ... :D MERDEKA!
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