heehee *smirks to self* this is my 90th post :D Yea i know... what is to be so pleased about? well really nothing :P it is just a sense of great accomplishment. So I am getting a certificate of appreciation from my school. (when i say my school, i mean only ONE school... Up and On... my heart belongs there). Recently I have been thinking alot (not as though i don't think everyday) and have been thinking of the people that go through and fro from my life. The different things passing and changing according to my life. 18 years on this planet and I still have not really learnt much. As compared to the previous years, I think i have really changed alot this year, too much has happened and too much has passed away. I guess people say that 18 is the turning point. Yea it is... 3 months exact into my 18th year and so much has changed since then. Oh well no good saying all this... I will just tell you all, as it comes to me.
Well It has never felt like this before, there is just something missing from my life. Perhaps it is a sense of satisfaction in the things that i can do. Yea i know that there are people in Africa who would kill for anything that i have. But there is just something that is missing, My guess is that it is a person, a person missing. Sometimes it feels like i am bearing the entire weight of the world. The different problems that my friends have, and the world that they have it is sometimes something that i envy. Like the ease that they manage to gain friends. Personally I only gain a friend if I feel like i will be able to know this person for life and really really long, not just during the time that i am in a place. I was looking through the address book that i have and looked through the different names like Xavier, Joel, Shawn, Keith. All these friends I don't know if they remember me but I can still remember that I really thought we all would remain great friends till the end of time, I guess not. We all fear to fall, falling is perhaps our greatest fear, that the desire to be found again. But when we meet, it won't feel like home, It will just be another face, another place, another hi, goodbye, and the mild muttering of pleasantries. The phrase "forever friends" hah! really?
Oh how did i get to that? right... pressing on. I have known my best brother for about 8 years and yea I would still like to admit that there is still a bit of distance from me and him. (hey don't get mad ok...). Friends tell the truth and they don't want you to fall. Perhaps it is also difficult for me to admit such things. It seriously pains me. Even this year when I got to know a retainee from my school. Tell you what we hit it off right away, and it was really smooth sailing, really pleasant, and then i thought hmmmm maybe she could be a really good friend to last the life. But within months, I would have to say that it shattered. Yea we are still friends but there is a mile between the two of us, there is just the occasional talk and the occasional hey and pleasantries. I guess we all have really different lives. Well i always say that relationships are difficult. I don't desire much of a friend, just need to have a heart, a soul. Not to be overly cheery not overly moody (though it helps sometimes). I just need a friend that can pick me up in tough times, to be there when i need them, Of course i will be there when they need me :D to tell me the truth even if it hurts ( I will always patch up with you ). This I definitely have to thank Miss crasi beautiful, for being honest with me, for telling me what i don't see, yea it was wrong for me to get mad but you were right thanks.
Yea maybe I have a really overly idealistic view on the people around me... But are people really that superficial? I have tried to never make a friend if I know that it will end after a few conversations. No really I really try not to give any mixed signals that I am accepting the outstretched hand. I will be polite and act as though i am partially interested in your conversation, I will laugh at cue, and I will act according to the mood portrayed. (yea I act good)... But i really hate it !!! It makes me superficial and i have real dislike for it!
Another thing, is that i only feel at ease with certain people, not everyone. Some make me tense, some they say so much to me and all i can think of is,,, oh is it ? really ? and the other fillers. But being around people that i like, my brain suddenly has the words to reply every time. Even after 8 years my friend and I, we have nearly the ability to read what the other is about to say, and still we talk loads (we would probably go on and on till the next morning). This is the type of friend that i desire, A person that will just stay up till the other has to go or is completely dead...I guess we all would love that eh? hah! talking about friendship, I have great emotional attachment to everyone of my friends, their struggle is my struggle... Yea i know it is not right and it is some people call it being nosey, But I believe that is what friends do... they will stretch it out with you, they will be with you through it all. LIke when my friends are struggling or perhaps they are going through a bad patch, the only thing that i can think of is them, how they are doing, and whisper a short prayer for them and stuff like that... I guess i am too emotionally attached to people, but I love it, because i love my people.
The oddest thing is that when I myself am going through a rough patch, I will send out large amounts of messages to encourage, to show concern to other people rather than myself. And during that period, every thank you is like a beautiful message to me. Yea, self centered i guess... But i have decided to press on, to forgo the things that people once said, change and press on....
I guess that is what I could come up with :D so take care you all... :P it is easier to say, but harder to feel...
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