MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Imagine if everyday was Christmas... everyday is ... snowing, chestnuts roasting, yule tree, santa, and all the beautiful lights... i would be boring haha! that is if it was everyday...

Well Christmas only comes by once a year, at the end of the year, and it is a beautiful time, a season of giving, love and joy. However it is a time also to look back in retrospect and count our blessings and looking at our achievements and challenges that we faced in the year.

So here is a poem to celebrate, the year that has passed.

I knitted a sweater, it was colourful,
made of many patches.
It was difficult to knit, it got my fingers crossed and
my mother yelled over my shoulder,
No! its not supposed to be done that way!
It was painful, days where i would knit all day
and get blisters on my hand.
But now it is done, it is perfect.

"Just for you"

A gift, to keep you warm in the nights of winter.
And though we be apart this sweater,
thread by thread is knitted with love,
my love given to you.
__________________________________________

Merry Christmas Eve

yea yea i know i have been writing quite a tad bit of highly destructive poetry, so to compensate, I will have this poem grant a bit of hope for this Christmas season. So what is really so fun about Chirstmas, I mean the day still looks like every other day, the sun still rises, the moon still comes up at night. There are no fancy things falling from the sky, nor does Santa Clause climb down the drainage piping of our HDB flats to deliver us presents, even though he would have a really hard time squeezing through window grilles. Yea it is just your ordinary day. Really, that is if you want to be a scrooge! I know Christmas has just been another merchandising project to sell more and keep sales up, but then we would just be missing the whole point of Christmas.

The season to love, not that we don't love everyday, but rather I feel Christmas is a season where we all just take extra effort to be nice, take extra effort to prepare gifts and really to love those people that are close to us. Yea i know its cliche, but I would like to propose this, that we love those that we have not loved in a long while. Where perhaps our father's or even mother's anyone really have done things to make us really ticked off with them or perhaps it is someone that you just cant forgive for doing something against you. I propose we release them this Christmas, and love them. For all of us are definitely bound to love the ones that love us back but how about those who don't, or did not love you, where is the reward in loving those that love you? So i ask that you love those who perhaps you have not really loved in quite a bit or did wrong to you. Yea, do something special this Christmas cos nothing much is gonna happen naturally apart from snow (WHICH WILL BE AMAZING BTW) So if Christmas is not special make it special for yourself!

So here is the poem:

The gnomes work throughout the winter.
They plough, and do my gardening in the winter.
I hope Santa bring them presents.
All seven of them in my keep,
this fortress of solitude where it is quiet.

Only for the crackling of wood on the fire
he whistling of the wind outside.
The sound of trees, with their fur coats on brushing off
the snow.

There the endless days alone,
the minutes sitting in this suede armchair.
Outside the gnomes are tending to my little loves,
herbs, and small trees

they are overgrown with weeds.
The house is in shambles, the fire place is cold as snow,
the trees are burnt and charred black
they stand like ancient African tribal art on display.

Suede is torn, frayed, knitted wool.
All is wrecked, nothing is left.
Only the clock ticking in the left corner.
There, the hands still moving
the sound of hope, sounding, sounding.
Like a metronome, like the beating of my heart.

Looking through the frosted window,
the gnomes are out there
their faces frozen.
I should bring them in, they look cold.
______________________________________

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVE!!!

I have been listening to poetry and recently I came across a reading by Anne Waldman and Allen Ginsberg, both GENIUS American poets. Ginberg is of course famous for Howl and is my current DP, cos I feel his poems carry the sick desires and the truly displays the obscene as art. Truly inspiring, showing what man really is in the time of the beatniks. Anyway here is a poem entitled:

Bathroom Reflections

Who are you?
With my face, my nose,
my lips and globe eyes that roll back into my head,
with my feet and calves,
toes and thighs that
are stuck with black needles poking from underneath the skin.
With my neck, and bent shoulders like hinges on the door,
with my arms and badly bitten finger nailed hands,
resembling a discoloured manicure.
who are you that is I?

The bathroom steam fogs up the image,
now you are only a ghost from my past, another Scrooge.
The vague outline with the orange toilet light
glossing over your (my) body.

Then you are gone.

The cloud of white mist
taking you away like they did to Jesus up into heaven.
Only a whisper,a small light bulb
that flickers and the filament
burns up in a second.

Followed by darkness,
darkness and the Great darkness.
Opening my eyes I see darkness, hands grope the darkness
feet trod on the empty dark tiles reflecting the darkness
that can be smelt and a dark taste in my mouth.
Darkness and shadows, all I see is the the dark of light,
the shadow, covered in darkness.
My own shadow darkened by the other shadows
that are also darkening in dark room where there is nothing
but darkness left in the dark bathroom.
__________________________________________________________________

I think I picked up something from Anne Waldman, she is quite a clever poet. Most of the modernists are geniuses...but Anne Sexton is still AWESOME ... hmm come to think of it poet that i like have Anne in their names...


___________Words_____________

I used words to make a house.
Using adverbs, verbs, adjectives
grammatical jargon and vocabulary
all verbose and stately.

I used sentences to create a city.
Filled with lines, and dots
stopping, starting, shouting, questioning,
the incomprehensible dialogue along the street.

I made the nation out of paragraphs.
Constitution after constitution,
law after law. Each separated by spaces.
Those arias in the court house and in the Capitol.

I used a book to create a world.
A world where things are imagined,
with thousands of sub plots and millions of errors..
It eventually came to an end.

I created I.

6 billion images of God,
trailing the streets.

6 billion images of God,
eating, starving,
living, dying,
dancing, sleeping.

6 billion images of God,
talking, muted,
murdering, murdered
walking, limping with one leg
blown away by the bombs.
(apparently God was not as immortal as he believed.)

6 billion images of God,
5 million images of God,
4 thousand images of God,
3 hundred images of God,
20 images of God,
1 God, 1 image.

Nothing.
I used words to re-create the world.
_______________________________________________________________________

Love

I got inspired to write about this after being down and out for quite a few days and now i really need an output and I guess writing is my output. Ok here goes, i have no idea what is within my own sub conscious but anything that comes to mind I will just put down, kinda like automatic writing, freaky eh? But i think it is also psychological kinda like free association when interpreting dreams, I guess feelings are also from the same neurosis so free association still works... somehow hah!!!

I watched two movies yesterday, Gomorrah and Ne te retourne pas. Both are not too bad considering what is out in the market... newmoon ... haiz and I think it was in Turkey that it kinda struck me that why do people always search for the next fantasy, the next adventure? I felt that it was because sometimes our lives are so empty that we need to fill it with something imaginary and something that we can follow, like a cult of sorts. We have become deluded with something that no longer exists in our psyche and we just need to fill it up with imagination.

Then it came to mind, wait we are going crazy over vampires and mythological characters. It was then I realized that perhaps it is all part of our collective psyche. We all love to watch movies cos it is like our modern amphitheatre, where things were being acted out and it managed to feed the interest of the people. The plays mainly explained why the world worked and how the various parts of the world function, due to gods or demigods etc. It was all to just entertain and yet understand morals and values.
Perhaps our psyche always desired to know why things happened and I guess werewolves and vampires are not people we commonly meet unless you are a unique individual. Nonetheless these movies give us a sense that control is not ours at times and that we can believe in a world greater and more "magical" than ours. Which got me thinking again, wait ... why are we deluding ourselves all the time, believing in a world that does not exist. Dreaming and Aspiring for better things ahead, it just proves that human nature is not suicidal in nature though we are headed for death since birth, it is just like the greeks that believed in the Elysian fields where people prospered, perhaps we are just trying to get a semblance of heaven on earth. (sorry my thoughts are just flowing and there is not much time to worry bout grammar or punctuation)

Heaven on Earth, what we want? I really don't know... Then I came to thinking about love and relationships. I was sitting on the MRT, in a rather stalkerish like fashion I was observing various couples, lucky me there were a few couples. Almost all of different age, which got me thinking... what are the relationships that we all have, i mean boy girl relations. Like at different age we want different things of our "soul mate". For example, when we are around late primary 6 to early part of secondary school we just want a girlfriend cos we just want one, we usually don't understand what having a girlfriend entails but it is just cool to us. Then when there is heartbreak, we usually don't understand or we just think the other is an idiot to us. Well we like to believe that it is the other's fault, but it helps us grow.

Then we reach the age, upper secondary school, usually we still have no bloody clue why we want to get into a relationship but we just do it cos other people have girlfriends. At the same time girls may want someone to humour them, to see the beauty in them and it mainly focuses on the girl. (this is all hypothetical) but yea it kinda does. The boy just tries his best and have a good time with her, she is at most a friend that you hang out with most of the time someone that you are good friends with, you often tell her some secrets and when there is heart break then it is sometimes a bit harder to let go. But we do anyway and believe that perhaps she was not the one for me. Still we sometimes cling on to that semblance especially if it was a good relationship.

Surprise, Junior College, it is as though i have not observed this enough haha!!! ... This is a period where we try to make relationships work. This is a period of time where we try to be mature, kinda like kids acting like their dad and mum, i mean play-acting if you come to think of it. It is where we dress up nicely, or we try, and go out for fancy dinner and just talk. Often the relationship is deeper and there are periodic fights. It is all a process... Needless to say we are just trying our first child steps with a relationships. It can develop further if the two survive together without ripping each others faces off...

And then After JC... Well i have not reached that point of life but through observation, we are trying to love this person, and we realize love is not like on the telly. It is not what we hear on our ipods it is just a feeling of a match to someone you can trust with all you heart. Yet, sometimes we trip up, if we trip up badly then it does not work out but most of the time if it gets to this point usually we know each other's quirks and can accept them. Well I guess that's how relationships change over time...

I am no expert but sometimes in a relationship, we just have to put on our rose tinted glasses, and love the person for who he/she is and look past the mistakes, and look past the wrong, then it can work out.

sigh... haha!!!

Yes i know I have not been blogging here recently and I do apologise for a long wait. So here is the posts that i have posted elsewhere and finally decided to move it here to my main blog site.

When we are sad, we smile
to tell people that we are fine.
When we are happy inside, we act sober
to pretend to the rest of the world that we are going through storms.
What is man, who is this one i see,
that pretends to be, something he is not.
____________________________________

The sky is draped in mourning garments.
No more the coloured castles in the sky.
They are only lies that my mother told me:
the Earth will always be dry and I could
go out and play.

But today is no such day,
the puddles and raindrops are large.
Reflecting in them are the many coloured lights of
people's windows. They fall, purple, orange, blue
white. A kaleidoscope of colours painted on the pavement.

I sit there by the window
watching the rain patter and turn to snow.
_______________________________________________________

Mother, i wish I could keep you forever.
So i will cut you up and take out your innards,
stuffing you with cotton and keep you as a soft toy in my house of toys.

I have seen her die,
on that iron bed, plugged into the sockets
bags of water, electronic systems, wires wires wires.

Visiting hours are over,
I exited the room, I am as I am
unchanged,

the patient still remains on the iron bed.
I am free.
_________________________________________________

you knew it was coming :P

... Ok this is an erotica... really, it just came to mind to write it all down so i did as i wanted to. So please if you are not mature enough (that means so many things) don't read it, but i know you will anyway... I support the idea that sex is not evil and that we all just have to be mature about it simple as that. I was in the shower that evening, just returning from work. It had been a dreadful day, the new manuscript that i had just vetted had been rejected by the senior management, and i had that lecherous worm, Ignus stalk me round the office. It was hellish, but the water that cascaded from from the spout seemed to wash all that trouble away. It was then that you walked in, you had also just finished work. You opened the door of the bathroom, leaving it slightly ajar, I fumbled and opened the shower curtain. curiously looking, before going back to my shower. The bathtub beneath me had begun to fill up with water and the sound of water drowned out the sound of clothing outside the bathroom. The door opened again this time i had little chance to pull back the shower curtain, before you too got into the tub standing before me, naked. I drew back, my back facing the shower head as the water now began to cascade down my back, little drops dotted over my skin which was beginning to blush. You just stood there, staring to my eyes, gave me a kiss. I staggered back, there was little space in the bath, and my back soon was pressed against the cold wall. My hand reached down only to reach a bar of soap left by the side of the bathtub. It was smooth but firm in my hand. You still standing there, reaching for me, I pushed you back. "how was your day at work?" I asked coyly as I began to take the soap and run it down your front. "It was ..." i slightly grazed his nipples and he flinched slightly. "yes ?" I continued, now scrubbing his torso, his abs that showed he had been working out quite a bit. Bending down, i began to massage his calves and rub his thighs clean just avoiding the thing you desired most. "Tiring" He managed to say as he guided my hand near but I pulled away. My face was now in line with the hungry erection leaping before me. My pulse quickened, and it pained me to not satisfy my own womanly lust. But I wanted you, full of lust for me, wanting nothing but to obey your carnal instinct to fuck me. I looked up, you still stood over me, like a master over his slave, but it was not to be so. I lightly grazed the back of my hand along the line of your cock and you moaned softly. The water was now a shower down on you and i began to use my tongue to lick up the inside of your thigh, licking up the water that fell from your body. Standing up, I pushed you against the wall. You looked in my eyes, A mixed sense of passion and fear crossed your eyes. Giving a slightly teasing looks, I ran my finger up his spine and reaching his neck, I stood on his feet, breast to breast, and finally giving him a long embrace. We exchanged a long kiss, tongues darting back and forth. Then I bit his lip, drawing blood to the area. The air suddenly turning animalistic and wild. Drawing back, he groaned as his wet cock slipped from my thighs wet with my juices.

just a rant. and a SHOUT OUT

Yea i know i have not blogged in quite a while... well wait lemme put on some music first ... ok good. Yea here begins my rant, about things in no particular order.

Currently I am feeling the weight of A levels, well it is coming in the next 2 weeks and of course it is kinda important, even though I want to be a florist :P which really kinda intrigued me, why do people need degrees ? yea i know it is for the sake of money and material and yada yada... but how about a PhD florist ? bet you never heard of that ! well i hope i become the first to do that , you may think it is really really stupid, but to me it makes perfect sense, i can write poems when I want to surrounded by greenery and at the same time beautify the rest of the world with flowers. It is kinda like a dual income thing, where money from poems and money from flowers. Yes of course i will charge people that i know at a lower price, not free but enough to make some profit at least. I don't think I will get a really expensive space, but big enough to walk about. Before being a florist I will try my hand at teaching :P I don't really know what i was thinking but i applied myself up for the teaching internship with MOE to teach primary school students for about a month. I guess, teaching them will definitely be more challenging as compared to JC students, i may be wrong, we shall see.

To be fair to the principal of the school that i am currently in I shall be more, objective, though i greatly desire to use certain words ... i shall prevent myself from doing so... I shall approach this tactfully. I believe that this matter has to be voiced not because i have a disdain for him but rather, i do wish that he had a tad bit more tact and skill in his speech and not constantly remind us that we are at the bottom end of the JC spectrum. Yes i know that we are there in the gutter, but to constantly be reminded about it rather than focus on where we can be is being slightly careless. Along with that, I can understand that he did make improvements to the school, and yes it is difficult to build up the school from where it has been but the way that he puts it out to us it is just ... i guess unpleasant toward me. Perhaps what is meat to one, another might find it repulsive. I was not at graduation day, but it has come to my hearing that he made several comments that were rather pushing the edge, and well, if one were to criticize his own staff, it ought to be in private rather than out loud on stage. Correction indoors, commendation make public. It has truly become a dread listening to the principal speak because you know that he is going to put us down, by repeating himself, about the few of us that will actually make it to the uni, so i guess if he is more tactful perhaps he could win the favour of more people, I mean there are those of us who feel that it is not really much about the things that he does, that really counts but more of what he says to us and as a leader, to put your people down... is really one way to count on losing them all eventually. So there i said my part, perhaps to you it may seem childish and immature to write this, especially on such a public platform, but I believe that i have given fair trial and that though he be right on certain things ... well, he just has to watch his mouth.

Anyway, I am currently working on 3 poems at the same time, editing and creating new stanzas crossing out old ones, replacing them with better ones (i hope). Apart from doing that, I have found a new poet to like, Keith Douglas. His poems are, beautiful. They convey meaning in such economy that it makes it all just seem perfect and just nice, not too over the top and not too subdued, just perfect. His poetry is all together stunning, it is a nice break from the confessional stuff I have been reading. Hopefully that will help me, having a great difficulty in composing poems now, it seems that my muse is feeling kinda moody with me, not giving her the stuff she needs i.e. sleep, good food, drink, and something else... :P

Ok my ranting must stop here ... oh and shout out to Mrs Kate, Miss Chew, Miss Woo, Miss Ong, Miss Toh, Mr Lim Teng, Mr Fong, Mrs Faye, and Mdm Jiang for teaching me and you all have been UNBELIEVABLY AWESOME... thanks for teaching us all though it sometimes be a ridiculously difficult task :D SHOUT OUT TO YOU ALL !!! :))))

I am annoyed ! Really really really annoyed ! ... it seems like problems have a certain way of finding me and it is nearly impossible to find a way out. Yea there are times where i have small breaks, like one day rest, and then the following day... God save me ! It seems like i am running from one problem to another for help and then realizing oh ... yea i did not think this through it gets rather frustrating that everyday i am facing different problems. It may sound really exciting to run from one situation (at least life is busy) but seriously ... it really sucks. But i will control myself and not let myself rant on and on about my problems because it really wont help anyone.

My friend well he is suffering. Really really suffering, he lost a good chance with someone that he believed was the "one" for him. Tell you what... we will never know the one for us... not now that is. I have wondered to myself ... hmmm wait why do we go all out looking for our other half ? is it a human need ? or is it just ... human connection that we all need ? Well ? Is that all which runs our system before we finally settle down... it makes life seem quite pathetic, chasing after skirts. Yea i mean we do take fancy to a person from time to time but it is transient. Love is great ... but it has become so commercialized that love seems like something bought, put on, like a fraud... it makes it like a con man and a victim sort of relationship. I have at times felt love is not worth it... it causes problems and causes you to suffer, i guess it brings happiness as well... well love is bitter sweet. nuff said!

Time to recuperate

We all need time to recuperate. For example you may laugh that today... i was well relaxing at home. We all need time to rest and recover from ourselves.

and so how ? we are back to the topic on sex :D

whoopie ... and so the whole world knows that i have been raving on about the sex thing ... wait ... maybe it is other people raving at me about me posting up the sex thing, yea that sounds about right. To imagine my name being called out in Lecture and being asked " yea why is literature all about sex? " really really exhilarating. 

Just to clarify... even though i know that somehow it will be twisted again. I realized the broken telephone game really functions in real life. What we read and what we say often can be mismatched... So i need firstly... to clarify, the blog post on well sex before i go raving on about something else. 

Right, the post was not about me being a prud and saying NO SEX ... please my fellow people, i write about sex, and though in a slightly darker light... So i am not against sex, purleese it is something awesome and something that is unbelievably pleasurable... or so i am told. So sex is not off the menu, it will stay on. But this is what i am against finding EVERY MINUTE THING and NIT PICKING to find sexual imagery when sometimes ... it is just a sub plot... i mean if it is like the main thing and the title of the poem/book is (to sound really uninspired) "sex" then i guess what you see is what you get. However if the poem is something about "nature", yea i know certain things in nature relate to sex (cos it is mother nature or something like that) but sometimes there are other things which are more poignant and more obvious to write about... especially if sexual imagery is not obvious. Another thing... sex is easy to write about, i mean how can it go ? in-out, out-in, erm role play... whatever you can think of... yea but there is not much to write about so it really cant go wrong :D... But who am i to say anything... Lit is subject to our own interpretations and sex is an interpretation so i am not one to say anything. All i can say is the eye chooses to see what the mind chooses to see. oh and GET A LIFE H. 

so i shall end with a poem :D

titled :Autumn mornings 

I wish that everyday was morning. 

That hourly the oriole will chant her

sorrowful tune, sombre and mourning. 

I wish that every morning was a brief moment. 

A wrist watch on my arm 

the leather strap, tight as a straight jacket. 

Ticking, reminding me of the lack that i have. 

I wish that every brief moment was like a lifetime.

Where we could sit on the beach, days passing with you,

as the waves thrash. The yellow umbrella over 

our heads, as we watch the sun sink into the ocean, 

the flower in your hair, with the sun dress against your fair skin.

I wish that every lifetime was this time. 

Where i am with you, lying there beside you 

and the grass between our toes.

I found you where i wanted, resting on my shoulder. A single candle. 

I steady you in the palm of my hand and you begin a free fall in my outstretched arms.

As you sing, tick, dance, and now you leave this ribbon in my hand. It is autumn.  

  

when Cupid is blind ...

Well I had a chat with my bro... well some part of him kinda died. Well i guess it happens when Cupid turns a blind eye to us and causes love to backfire at us. Love ... theorized and hypothesized... to DEATH! it is boring to hear some new finding ... love is scientific and stuff that we hear, oh do this to increase love in you life ... My god people WAKE UP! like i have said earlier... love is easy, relationships well they are a separate matter. 

Well it just so happens that sometimes what we desire does not happen and especially when it comes to love, when unrrecipocrated when we go unloved we just descend into depression. Well that is what we all fear is'nt it to love and to be unloved in the end. My bro well... he kinda fell for a beauty but he did not say anything and in the end she kinda said she was attached to someone... that is to put it briefly. I understand how he feels, it is painful and really we would rather run through HELL FIRE ... than that happen to us. I mean after i got "rejected" by a teacher for consultation i was already whining. Can you imagine someone that you love deeply and have already have kinda indirectly said "i love you" and just be told that "i'm sorry... i am already attached" it hurts. And they say this is when love hurts. I guess it does, love when it goes alone is painful... I guess like what i told him, It is hardest to let go when we have loved. It really sucks and that is the BEST descriptor that i can place in there. 

I as a friend of course will try to be there for a friend especially a bro, but this is those times when you just feel helpless to those that you hold close. When you just feel useless and like ah shucks ... i guess i cant do much about it now... i want to help but it is out of my control. Well his problem kinda is brought on upon me, i chose to just think in his situation and well i guess being moody comes along in the package, but i am ok with it... We do what we can to sustain love, and we do what we can to shelter, to care and to nurture the one we love and love so much that we would be willing to die for that person. It is not an easy time for him, I 'm sorry that i cant help... the only thing i can do is pray and hope and perhaps get you happy food but i guess humans are limited... i learnt that today. 

Well humans are indeed limited, consultation with teachers well are usually a delight to me. but today i was kinda feeling rather moody and annoyed (no prizes for guessing at what) so the consultations that i had were definitely not at their best. I felt of course that i was at fault, i mean that yea if it was a crappy consultation i guess i am the one that was rather introverted. I know i am introverted, severely introverted, in the sense that if there are 3 people i will already begin to keep mum. I feel more comfortable with one to one speaking... i will definitely say more... that is if i am comfortable with you in the first place. Apparently i often fake and pretend that i am interested in what some people are saying but at times they are COMPLETELY OBLIVIOUS to it ... and i come to wonder ... hmmm why are you so DENSE ! 

There are people in this world, well currently i only know one, who believe that they should be listened to all the time. Yea i can understand you have a point to make and yea you have something to say but please .... at times people need their space and you are not king of their space... it is frustrating to have an incessant whinging noise in my ear, especially when reading, or writing poetry. Everything must be either silent or with background noise... but with some dimwit calling "eh eh ... " it distracts me and i will get highly annoyed. I am not blaming the pitiful state of my poetry on other people but sometimes it really is because of it... that my brain just works in short spurts. It is seriously SICKENING ! At the same time... because the topics you put up are so BLODDY SHALLOW ... i mean even butter is thicker... i cannot be bothered with you. Yea you may SEEM philosophical at times but really really ... you are just another sex crazed freak (awesome bimbo language)... Yea we all are repressed sexually, whatever, but speaking in euphemisms throughout the day is tiring and .... please to quote peter chow "get a rife !" I am not against sex... but i am against constant sexual thought and relating everything to sex... I am not calling myself deep but I have realized many things in the past weeks that i have not really cared to notice recently, and when i am in that "zone" and something shallow enters my mind ... well needless to say... these are the words i can only offer "JUST SOD OFF YOU WHINGING PRICK" ... there is more to the world than the funny video or the interesting movie, or the book you picked up at the library. i am really really really beginning to regret knowing you. It has been unpleasant and really everyday is like a torture talking to you... i feel fake and also pity you because you will remain like that at the end of your life. Obama believed in change and of course so do i ... but with you... i begin to doubt myself and if change can really happen to you or am i just disillusioned. But that is not the problem really ... the main thing is that YOU CANT GET IT ! GOD KNOWS HOW THICK YOUR SKULL IS ! i mean i have tried to be subtle about it... but i guess the subtle does not work... so if you still have no idea after reading this ... if you get to obviously... you really should go shoot yourself. No really i will be willing to smuggle in a pistol for you to shoot yourself with. So to sum it all up if you really still cant get it ... here it is briefly ... SCREW OFF... AND SHUT THAT TRAP OR I WILL SHUT IT FOR YOU AND TRUST ME IT WILL NOT BE PRETTY ! 

i guess i got carried away... anyway there is rationale for me not getting too attached to people in JC... firstly it is 2 years of my life and the friendships are kinda superficial, the person that said that suffering will bring out the best of friends well i guess he is dead for a reason. I cannot stand to make friendships that will not last a lifetime. I can only be bothered with people whom i believe will be friends for a really unbelievably long period of time apart from that ... erm i don't care if you exist. I mean what is the point of having a friend for 1 year and then in the future become hi-bye... it seems so futile and pointless. I guess some people are like that, that isnt me. I rather hang out with my bro and just kick back... and slack really... than get to know someone new... I should go see him soon, with him down and all... it is difficult on him... so SHOUT OUT TO MY BRO ... :D we all just have to move ON and some have to move OUT... and we just have to remember to keep breathing even though each breath is more difficult and strenuous.... 

CUPID ...OPEN YOUR GODFORSAKEN EYES !    

just keep breathing

it has been about 10 days since i have posted anything. Rather busy, and today because of sickness i was stuck at home, kinda suffering because of the amount of stuff that i need to study. It just hit me, why on earth am i bothered with how the market system runs, why on earth would i care about the cold war, it is already long passed, and why... why would i bother about Mr Darcy and Bingley. Studying is becoming heavier and there is the feeling of giving up, not because it is too difficult but i have begun to be clouded over what i want to do after JC. After that day when my teacher asked me ... so after JC where do you want to go ? i was stumped. i thought in my head, english language and literature, and a minor in theater studies ( that was my standard answer ) then it struck me... do i really want to do that ? I guess it is just the stress and the pressure of scoring well for the A levels... but come to think of it, i really have no clue what i truly and desperately want. University is like this nirvana, like olympus, where the teachers all claim is the "best" place in education. Well i doubt, tell you what ... i bet it is study study and study... AGAIN ! well looking it in a brighter light ... it will at least be something that i like to do :D... 

Some of my friend already have ideas of where they want to go, like to do art history or perhaps go overseas and attend culinary school, and I ... well stuck no where ! I wanted to be a poet, i mean full time poet... it is hard work i swear! every poem drains me physically and mentally. It is beginning to be frustrating to feel as though i am fighting for an invisible goal. Being a poet will definitely mean i will starve and suffer... so i thought hmmm perhaps a part time teacher as well... i really really really don't know. giving up seems too easy ... i guess that is the only thing keeping me on... it is that giving up is just too easy, just too easy that i need to show myself that i am able to just get through it alive, with me ... breathing breathing breathing. 

Well the past ten days have been rather interesting, i have desperately tried to survive on as few hours of sleep, and to continue working and working and working, well today my body decided, NO MORE! and just cut blood supply to the brain... resulting in a dizzy spell that let me see what it feels like to die. And after that an amazing headache as bad as the sumatran earthquake... definitely impossible to survive. fell back on to my bed, slowly, slowly.... breathing ... am i ok? should be fine... i am still breathing breathing breathing.

School is not that interesting to rant about especially the study part because ... all i can think of is ... study - good for future... not good for current self (drains the mind body and soul... even brands essence of chicken is not enough). It is that simple...OH OH !wait i must talk about the chinese B oral... which was amazingly easy... to imagine the oral was about cutting apples. Needless to say, it was dreadfully dreadfully easy, i wanted a challenge not so much of a walkover nonetheless it was quite a splendid thing. My friend was trembling and rather anxious so the only thing that i could tell her was to keep calm and continue breathing breathing breathing...     

I also realized over the past week i have purchased quite a number of books within the span of 2 weeks, now i have about 5 or 6 new books... and am still plowing through the books... desperately... my table is getting messy, really really messy, there are about 5 stacks of paper and books all piled up on the table. dirt, dust, eraser stuff, ink, headphones, ipod, fountain pens, normal pens, pencil, sketches... all on my table. I think it builds up the stress level, and just makes the body incapable to function properly. faltering and just failing to write anymore, failing to keep awake, only breathing breathing breathing...

Poetry has been depressing me. The incapability to write and compose new poems all really really drains me. Even when i have the feeling to write, i realize that i have no ability to pen the exact thing that i feel. There is a friend that is becoming really really a pain and a true thorn in the flesh to bear. It is truly like christ said "father please take this cup from me !" it has come to such an extent. painful to bear. Even as i type this i kinda pity him, cos he somehow clings to me and then i dont know how to tell that friend that i... i just ... i'm sorry... i'm sorry that what you believed to be true of me was just me tolerating you, and... sorry, i was a fake. As Edgar said "speak what we feel not what we ought to say" I guess if we conform and say the false things... we will suffer and suffer badly. the longer we drag it out the more it will hurt, the more the pain will keep and the more we have to make up :( . Anyway back to poetry :D... I have been having experiences that can be written about and i have actually have come up with the poem verbally but penning it down well... it is harder and my brain just would not allow me to. this hindrance is making me build up and just build up, like a volcano... to let out all the frustration, all the hurt and all the pain and joy at the same time in a blood red mess on the paper (no i did not cut myself). It will just be as it is. messy. I just want to shut out the world, shut out the noise in my head and just play the music over and over and over like a refreshing wave, like a breeze in the morning that wakes me, that brushes over me... blow through the blinds according to my breath, silently sitting there curled up, breathing breathing breathing. 

My econs teacher does not want to see me any more... well apparently so... FINE LAH DON'T SEE ME LAH! last week say... that a B is achievable but now she does not want to see me. humph ! i can understand that she is busy, i mean her schedule was utterly dreadful when i saw it. I can understand... but i guess sometimes i take what people say too seriously. I guess that is my achilles heel, it is the thing that will definitely kill me. Along with that i had a consultation with a teacher, and of course pulled my little trick of handing her essays that had been marked by my other lit teachers and it was really really just to see how she marks and the quality of her marking. trust me it was way off ! it kinda put me off... that she taught literature the way she did. I have never seen literature in black and white, well this is probably the first time. One of my lit teachers says she is from a different time where it was somewhat marked differently. erm... different time indeed! to think that insight on literature matures with age... i was severely wrong. Well after my other literature teacher passed away, i guess i had a fixed image of what a more mature lit teacher taught like, apparently i had been deceived. hah! teachers... they are the ones that mark our work, take the crap of the principal, take the paper work, take crap from us... and stay back to see us, forgoing dinner and lunch and their families... these are the unsung heroes... and here i am groaning about them... sigh... sometimes i just take them for granted. I know they have 24 hours and about 25 of it is spent in school... so i can understand if a teacher does not want to see me... i just have too remain calm and just keep breathing breathing breathing. 

Along with that... there is the NS check up that i did recently... well... i went for the check up.. it was tiring. They made me run on a trek mill and run and run and run till something happened to you :D ... good or bad... either way i had no idea what was happening ... nearly fainted after that ... the spots were coming through my vision and... it was difficult to breathe. If that had killed me... it would have been hilarious!... i mean i have already studied so much and then to die before the A levels is just a waste. really really a waste... ARGH ! i am annoyed ... really really annoyed and ticked off for no apparent reason ... stop... and just keep

breathing breathing breathing....... 

    

爱

well what more can I say... it is love... hah ... you may think at this moment that i am crazily in love with someone. Well to break that image, I am not attached with anyone. That does not necessarily mean that i cannot feel love, that warm feeling, filling up heart, mind and just bubbles to the surface. Recently I did some MBTI thing, so i got INFP, it apparently claims that i am introverted, intuitive, having feeling and perception. Whatever rocks your boat... Anyway... the reason for blogging this post on love is mainly because I am currently observing other people fall in love, and it is really quite amusing :D. Needless to say, love is something that i have been intending to write about. The problem is that I am not in love, and there is not much emotion to write and there is not enough feeling to it as compared to the other things that i write on such as dying and about failures in life (how optimistic)... considering the fact that most of the poets I read have suicidal tendencies... hmmmmmm. I doubt but, who knows.

Anyway back to the main topic on love, let me try to write about it. Well recently I have given up a friendship with a friend. Perhaps you may think it is stupid and really dumb of me to do such a thing. As the proverb says: better a friend than an enemy. Well most proverbs are just short things that really don't hold much truth... proverbs are just people trying to act clever. It really is nonsense... well most of it... Ah what is there to hide, I shall keep up to my own word and express what I truly feel inside, there is no point in hiding it is there ?

Outside i can act I can play with the facial expressions making them act as though i am concerned, interested or perhaps even pretend that i don't give a crap. Well the fact is that it is highly Impossible for me not to express myself. Well usually I try to do it privately, like screaming into a pillow, or perhaps just letting tears flow down as I sit there by the computer screen and think and think and overthink so much that it is impossible to fall asleep. There is too much I hide, and for good reason: for the sake of the other. You may comment and say that i am bloody narcissistic, hell i am not afraid to admit, arent we all ? we all believe deeply in ourselves all the time. We love ourselves, and that is why we engage in consumerism isnt it ? buying to pamper ourselves. Everything that we do is mostly self motivated, don't believe me ? try doing something completely selfless ... when you are done tell me. Usually there is need to act on the outside and not truly reflect what we all internally feel because of the unspoken rules of society. It Abhors and Disgusts me... that we all act and act and act. YEA Shakespeare said that all the world's a stage and all the men and women merely actors... tsk tsk... shakespeare could go shove that up his ass ! (not meaning to be disrespectful) ... Life is not an act. If we go through life as an act then perhaps we might end up like Lear... disillusioned, never really knowing what we truly are. We are made up of the truth and the lies that people say about us. And only when the lies are eliminated then, when truth prevails, or hell IF truth manages to prevail then we will find who we are. And believe me, We all can never take it we are all that we speak against, all that we hate, all that we loudly proclaim that we are against.

I am deviating... back to the main point. Internally there is nothing of myself left, really. I am literally at rock bottom. I have never NEVER let go of any relationship, unless the other party lets go first then i guess i have to let go as well. Even though I take ages to let go eventually it will still happen, it will cost me... I know it will, my heart, my mind. Every harsh word will shake my composure. Really! that is the extent that i treat words. Words are often treated as something truly minor and unimportant... but every word that people have said to me and i have replied back, after that conversation I will rethink of the exact words said and see if i could have expressed better or even wonder what the other person means in all senses of the words that he/she speaks. Yea stupid, i know that I think of things that cannot change... But that is who i am. Every word any one says will definitely shake my composure, and either plummet me into deep sadness or a strong joy. Perhaps that is why it is extremely painful for me to take criticism. It truly sucks...

Weird isnt it that this is titled, love? when I have given it all and tried the best I could to save the relationship, i guess i was wrong all along... I never believed it till today... I am nothing, just a foolish foolish person! I need to tide through this... don't let it bog me down. I bet i will be dreadful tomorrow...

:D

100 :(

Well this is the hundredth post :D... it has been an awesome journey ... from the beginning to this post. I have blogged about a range of topics, mostly concerning my own life and how i have spent it, of course this blog has been read for information before about the Lolita saga. Needless to say, the saga is long over and this blog can be said to have changed focus. Though it is difficult to truly determine what it is. Events have occurred over the span of keeping this blog up and running. And yes it has been difficult at times, require to be tactful and absolutely careful about the people i write about, the things that i say sometimes insinuate trouble.... Anyway... this post will probably set out the direction and focus of the next 100 posts :D... Well since i have kinda have decided to disregard all values and just shoot as it is. Well i guess that being a confessional sometimes is tiring. I say as I feel or at least try, not in real life though. However in poetry it is so much easier, there is a certain air of freedom and a certain degree of consciousness to say everything that i feel inside. Of course i will finish this post on my traditional note :D with a poem... trust me this will be quite straight because i no longer see the need to hold back my writing from achieving what it can.

Well here goes for the next about a hundred posts of course it will be mostly poetry driven. Even though i will still give updates about the personal life I will cut down a lot more in delving into my own life. More on the poetry less of me. Yes perhaps it is depressing for you but that is the way life will be.

I wanted this post to be mostly a celebration and not one that is just filled with words, but with the mood i am feeling currently there is need to blog and the only thing that i can express is that i am feeling really really down, not as though i am being helped by the rest of the people. Well if showing concern is not even regarded then i guess, there is no need for me to exist and probably you may agree, I am fine with it... we all will die one day and i guess i should die towards you. Goodbye, I have let go, i guess you should too perhaps you have let go for long already.

I cannot write this anymore... the more i write the more i have the desire to just break down. sigh ... what is wrong with me... foolish... just foolish.

This is the only way to end it all ... to imagine this 100th post... the epitome of depression I guess i just think too much.

Clinging on, desperate hope

the feeling, leaving nothing but my own heart

difficult to feel anything, my hands become numb to the pressing of the keys

my fingers all are made of ivory.

My heart dies, the beating pulse of injections and the valves all collapse.

My world, the walls around me no longer exist.

only spinning in the dizzy pleasure of the teary cheek.

I know it is time to let go, time for the end of the ride.

Come child it is time to go.

______________________________

breaks down...

　

To be perfect

My world can never be perfect can it ? it is always disaster after disaster... I guess that is how we all scramble through life, awaiting the moments that are just seem so perfect. Ironically I am listening to a song called perfect. So why disaster after disaster. I have been living on this earth for about 18 years and a little more. The only thing that i can find perfection in is, well nothing. Not even in myself. For we all are totally imperfect... ERRARE HUMANUM EST! to err is human. Well To make it no longer an error, you just have to try your best. Try everything that you can to rescue the relationship rescue the poem and to rescue the other, and in the process you find a new you.

I have tried to never be false to people, but i am never appreciated for it. Rather the relationship is completely destroyed. Fine perhaps we are Asian and telling you your faults is perhaps making you lose face. But i have faults also, and i need you people to show me them. Not just keep it to yourself, What are friends for if their mouths are shut, if their eyes are closed and their ears no longer open. Then i might as well speak to my own reflection in the mirror, at least i am able to see myself, hear myself, and speak to myself. I have never agreed with many of the Asian principles that we all cling so tightly to. What are the Asian values ? conservative, to flatter and just what i think of it is that it is all superficial. Maybe that is why we are unable to cultivate the ideals of bohemia... perhaps this is what the government wants ... I really cannot tell. It is stupid that we are unwilling to say what we feel and keep it all inside. What is life worth living then?! If we keep it all in we are not able to change our land your life is WASTED! I never want to waste my own life away, the idea is just to keep moving, keep moving. Leave what you have behind, just keep walking forward, deeper and deeper no matter what happens to press on. Asian values are beginning to show the flaws. Like the beautiful vase with all the flowers but place in the water to keep the flowers alive it begins to seep out. It cannot keep the flowers alive and so they die. the more we keep our feelings inside and do not correct the wrong then we and the person will die, a meaningless existence. We often question what is our existence? STOP QUESTIONING AND DO SOMETHING then your existence is worth it all.

The bible says that we should take out the plank from our own eye before taking the speck out of your brother's eye. Well if you know there is a plank in your eye then take it out first. However if you don't even know you have a plank in your own eye how can you take it out? you need a friend to take it out for you. And where are those friends ? well they are the people that are willing to tell you your flaws, willing to tell you when you fall, willing to speak up when you have done wrong. Because Iron sharpens iron. With no conflict there can be no sharpening. The bible also says that if a man wins the whole world but loses his soul then what is it worth? I agree, even if you gain all the friends of the world, even if you have all the security you want, even if you have everything that you want... but you lose yourself in the process... then your life has been wasted. Life is to find about yourself, to find and perfect the imperfections and try try again all the time. We must always move move and move never keep still for then you will begin to fall back.

Life is about imperfections, life is not about the boring routine, again and again, the 9-5 job and repeat it the next day after day. What is life then ? to have no impact on the world to leave no mark behind ? There is No prize for being the most routine ... there is a prize however for being the extraordinary, being revolutionary, for being different when all are similar. That prize is what man craves for, immortality and thus you achieve perfection. Perfection is achieved by being honest to those you love even when it hurts, it is about climbing up and up pressing on and never giving up, it is about gritting your teeth when there is Pain and moving on stronger, never weaker. It is never about seeing past the bad and only looking at the good, it is about using the bad and the forlorn and turning it upside down to something unbelievably beautiful.

We all complain about our problems, but if we only say, there is no use if nothing is going to develop out of it. Life is all about risk, words are DEVILISHLY CHEAP. jump in whenever you can and let the wind direct you. Do your best, and then move on... move on move on. there is truth in not looking back. We all must take the little baby steps everyday and finally at the end we can look back at the journey that we have took, and then we will be judged according to the journey we all took, and whether we wasted our lives away or we just kept on keeping on in faith in love and truth. to believe, to love with all mind strength body and soul, and to tell the truth when needed and never just keep it to ourselves when we see another do wrong that needs correcting. As the bible says, show me your faith by your words and i will show you my faith by my works. So even the word says words=cheap. And faith is an action, an action of moving forward and to not give up when the world begins to crumble around you.

Back to the main point, when we make errors, we need a friend to correct us, we need that forceful action and that willingness to speak and to correct with gentleness and patience and love... correct me when i make wrong, I am not perfect, neither are you. The closer the friend the more painful the truth will be... be brave to move on. Be strong because we all can take it... really.

counting down the sunsets.

Today was My cousin's wedding... just a brief update, tomorrow I will be singing on stage, some song ... ain't gonna tell you ! haha yea hopefully i will be able to reach the key that i need to sing at because currently i am suffering STILL from some phlegm and a slight running nose. It is gonna stop i can feel it, But as you know every sickness that plagues me it will be very absolutely ridiculously severe, as in you will be sick for, several weeks running. Not really cool. Anyway apart from that I have 2 more posts before i reach UN CENT!!! it feels awesome that i have kept this blog up for 100 posts ! Life has not really been awesome, my prelims has not been awesome and there are only about 60+ days to A levels. YES YES i have whined about this before and well next week i am meeting a good friends to get it all out of my brain and just to help me push forward. Although I say that this is the last time I will see him but i bet i will ask him to meet me again. heehee... yea we all need friends that will be able to stand by us in difficulty and not make us panic even further.

Anyway not I am listening to christmas music, you may wonder .... huh ? christmas ? isnt that in December ???? yea it is and It is beautiful to listen to :D and then you wonder why we don't listen to it all the time. I know that it is not the season but it is just tooooo swell to not listen to it. Especially the slower ones that are just BEAUTIFUL ! you just sink into the melodious beauty and embrace the perfection for a moment. My favorite is still have your self a merry christmas, any singer can sing it and it is just perfect ! perhaps that is perfection ? Christmas :D which I would not mind ONE BIT ! everyday christmas woot woot. maybe you may think it is so stupid and naive. But i need it all to be happy and keep my bi polar symptoms from showing up. I cant wait, it is not the presents, but it is the happy faces and the lights and oh the atmosphere of cold outside but warm hearts inside just makes me smile :)

anyway in this period of slightly heightened self awareness, I will write a short poem.
I seldom give poems titles but this shall be called... missing you

The crush of my heart
the hawthorn and the snow falls
the beads blanketing us, warm and snug
the lamp is cold outside.
Candles are lit, as the people along the street walk
their umbrellas up, all black and in suits.
Colour my world, with the presents and all the lights
sonnets and the carols, pleasant. floating in the gothic world.

As the warmth comes
the dove flies from its master along with the raven.
roses, I brush them, the old moss covering them.
the sprigs of parsley and mint, they return to the ground
bud and bloom my plant, my sweet
love love love my season.

3 more to hit a hundred...

yea 3 more posts to reach a hundred ... and you must be wondering why i blog nearly 3 times a day... well it is somewhat like medication to me, take three times a day, may cause drowsiness and also in the event that it causes rashes please consult your doctor immediately. :D heehee ...

Just a brief update, on the amazing saga... I have been suffering from worrisome syndrome, where there is really nothing for me to do except worry and do nothing about it. Well it is said that worry not but in everything by prayer and supplication... well i just cant. yea maybe i say a prayer but it does not really stop me from me from worrying. Anyway, this is how it continues, the lady tells me that i have to fax over some stuff which i need to give to them because they need to verify or something that I went for the checkup... Well the BEST thing ... is that i was seen by the nurse that day and so the nurse did not sign the form that required signing cos she said that it is supposed to only be signed by the doc in charge... however that day i could not see the doc cos he is only seen via appointments ... which ...really really does not help me in anyway possible... ARGH ... along with that it is only about 60+ days LEFT TO A LEVELS! And not as though my prelims were really great. So i am worried and really really really crushed and pressured to one side already... It is like being run over by a steam roller. Not fun. 

Anyway... there are other things to be quite pleased about. :D such as having a good friend to help me get polaroid film and be willing to go all out to search for all these stuff that i don't really have time to search for so THANK YOU :D for helping me find cheap polaroid film, well it ain't that cheap, it is about 24 bucks which is about 2.40 per piece. which makes it 60 c cheaper than the usual that i pay. AWESOME ! Along with that ... there is my ukulele which i have bought quite a few weeks ago and it is ROCKING !! beginning to love it more than my guitar even though it costs about 10 times less... 800 buck guit compared to a 80 plus ukulele... you may think it is a waste. yea it kinda is ... that i did not find the ukulele earlier. ah nothing is ever fair, except in love and war... where all is fair. whether you live or die, whether you get her or you don't it is all fair. or so we would like to believe. 

Right I have not been writing much poetry these few days or weeks even,.... this is because i am kinda taking a break from writing for awhile to edit up some of my poems. Currently I am trying to revert back into the older style of poetry whilst keeping the modernist pastiche from Plath and putting it into the sonnet form. Boxing up plath is like trying to maintain somewhat a sense of control over the poem and so i attempt to do that :P 

So i present to you another sonnet. 

Forgetfulness, the planks of wood hammered into the door,

Blotting out the words, bottling the air

Chemical chaos, chemical, chemical, split the word. 

Flat and the world is the empty line with no fill.

everyday simple, dreaming of daisies and straw hats

A single lightbulb lighting up. the clouds begin their stroll. 

Eyes they open

the flowers, all pink, yellow and green as their canvas.

paint up my mask, paint and tattoo deep into my skin 

the light strumming and the ring. 

darken my skin, a black hole that 

leaves no mercy. 

no hope. A hurricane hurling, whirling all blended. 

Drops of water begin to fall, come cool rain. 

Confused ? heehee work this one out yourself.   

Dependence on people

People fail, people will disappoint at times, people are never perfect and can never be perfect. We are a mess of imperfections that try to live our lives, each day at a time. Trying not to be pretentious or perhaps we put up an act everyday and our real selves are not developed, perhaps some of us are still immature, still naive and still completely incompetent at many things. Unable to reciprocate unable to return the favor paid to us. I being me have relied on people tooo much that it becomes nearly a fear that i have to trust people, that it becomes that if a person becomes too friendly toward me I think that the person has an ulterior motive or something like that. And it has become a sort of phobia that i begin to have about people. It may be quite a paranoid thing and maybe even possibly be hyper hyper sensitive towards people and their emotions. And i tend to look at everything, because your lips can say one and your hands can say another. I have lied before and I do know when a person tries to conceal it. Can't you just tell people in the face? I know sometimes it may be just blunt to do so. But at times it is appropriate. Sometimes it is supposed to be good and cause a certain amount of change. Because ALL of us are not perfect and require the words of another to correct our wrongs. If it is a good friend, ALL THE MORE you should correct, yea perhaps you put the friendship at risk but it is a good risk... A risk to tell the truth even when it is extremely painful. You may say that by doing that we are reliant on people and that we need people around us all the time. Well we are around people about 3/4 of the day at least and without that human connection we feel empty. That is why i say that good friends are important, no matter gender, no matter race, religion... it does not really matter. Friends are willing to tell the other the truth when it hurts, when it might sacrifice the relationship but choose to be honest. They stand by you even when you are about to take the plunge. They know your weakness and don't showcase it, they showcase your strengths and protect. Protect especially what is precious to them. They will put aside everything, just to hear you out. Maybe I am just being naive and overly idealistic. But I try to do these things for my friends. I try, even if it will sabotage a relationship, If I don't treat you as a friend I will pretend in front of you and act interested in what you say, giving you pity laughs and smiles that are unreal. So how do you know when i am a friend of yours ? if i keep watching out for you (it may sound creepy) But really If I keep looking out for you no matter what... Like I said earlier, love is easy and relationships well they are a different story. Well words that are cheap as well, concern is a full time investment. Though we know that words are the easy things to say to please and to flatter we still comply and give in to the other person's guilty pleasures. It disgusts me, because the other is not true to the other and between good friends it is just... no, no, no ! To love as a friend is to love as a brother or love as a sister. where they are as close as blood ties. Sometimes blood is not thicker than water. Sometimes blood is bad ... and the water is purer than the blood... It happens... 

Errare est Humanum

Errare est Humanum, To err is human... Well kinda. We all make mistakes, some big some small, but we do not look at size here. All have made mistakes, no matter how swell you are you are bound to trip and fall one day. Yea pessimistic I know. Well I was thinking about it, c'est difficulte to express... how i feel at this current moment. I think i better start from the beginning and perhaps i will be able to come up with something. Aujourd'hui, I was free, today was teacher's day ... the day where all students would show some sort of appreciation to their tutors or teachers. Well it was the day where I saw some people write stuff to teachers that they personally did not like or have any thanks to. I agree that there are some teachers that we all dislike. Well I guess that if you hate a teacher, by writing to him/her and saying all that bull on paper it is worth nothing, cos you are just pretending, AND IT ANNOYS ME !... yea there is a need to thank them and need to appreciate the effort put in, but exaggerating c'est not right ! Anyway, I am still sick and suffering from flu, yea... running nose, cough with phlegm. Disgusting is'nt it. Along with that the army blocked me off from accessing my Letter of Identity, and somehow I am still stuck in the middle and I have really no idea how to do or what to do. So now i have to wait and trust the system... which is not helping because of the different authorities that it has to go through... it will take AGES to finally process it. Quite afraid cos if anything goes wrong there is the Article 33 or something like that where they can fine you or something up to 10 000 and i would not say that i am from a very rich familie... so 10 000 is a really, really unbelievable sum of money. 

Demain I have lecon and the best thing is that it is not classroom, it is in a large lecture hall... where they will rant to us about our papiers which we may not even be getting back demain! Again c'est absurd to tell us the answers but not return us le papier d'examen. Sorry for all le francais (the french) ... because i am learning french and need to practice... as they say practice makes perfect... or in french c'est en forgeant, qu'on devaint forgeant. Right, pressing on... 

I just thought of some ideas whilst doing my walk around ma ville. It is about chaos, where everything that man does causes chaos because we innately are not perfect. the meaning of chaos is where something that relies on the other and it is not given back to, for example like when a light is connected to a battery, the lightbulb lights up and the battery is drained, therefore there is chaos because the battery is not fed by the bulb again. However nature is perhaps the only perfect example of perfect harmony, like a tree, the ground feeds the tree and in return the tree feeds the ground by its leaves falling and decomposing. therefore creating more ground. Thus because both feed each other there is a cycle that goes on. Man, because he is natural, is therefore in perfect harmony, HOWEVER... we are unable to create a totally perfect and harmonious object... Perhaps i am wrong and we have created things that have a harmony. I am ignorant at times.

haha! anyway, i should move on and really go back to what i really wanted to do and stop deviating...I guess the only medium of expression that i am bound to is poetry, So i shall do this as a stream of consciousness... Oh i just remembered... SYLVIA PLATH copies ANNE SEXTON ! really plath has the similar desire of Sexton of being a jew and the electra complex and all that nonsense, coincidentally both committed suicide, both are deranged poets... hah! you make the link. Though i prefere sexton over plath.... Right enough sidetracking... this poem is untitled 2 (I have a previous untitled poem) and it is written as a stream of consciousness, with music in one ear... 

The trees stand at attention 

Backyard empty with the magpie sitting by the old broom.

Cloud the room with the cigarette 

I pace the room, my echo.

Dreaming of sheep, black and white. 

The couch is empty, the red and the plush. 

The bed is empty, the stairs and the cupboard. 

Flowers left out in the rain, the vase is brand new. 

Old, pools of ravens color my lenses. 

Feeding on the restless, feeding on the bread crumbs left outside. 

Old oak, broods over me, the roots deep, the branches shade. 

The red lipstick, kisses from a lover. 

The red and the stab, the black, flat, end. 

Machines turn silent and the final word, signed along the line. 

You may be extremely confused about what the poem means. Well it is about loss... obviously. It is a funeral that is taking place. The oak, a symbol in celtic myth, a doorway to the netherworld. ravens, magpies- both birds that represent death. red is of course - representative of life- blood and black, well needless to explain. Well I hope this poem finds favor in your eyes. Briefly the poem is about loss. See what you may... it is all up to the reader's interpretation. But there is a limit, or as Derrida called it aporia to the interpretation. 

So i bid thee adieu ! and i will be back demain to continue blogging :D happy reading ... 

Philosophy ?

I have several thoughts that i have gained over the years that I have been a human being. 

God, perhaps the most pertinent of issues that man has struggled with, Nitzche had called Gott ist tot ! and of course the most recent... essence before existence. Well... I would like to propose a more religious view. As many have claimed that God is non existent and that we all should believe in the empirical evidence of the new found sciences. I absolutely Abhor such a thing. Personally being a religious person for most of my life, even I have questioned the existence of God. I hav always wondered if God was a feeling or perhaps just a state of mind that we all can get into and out of as we please. That perhaps it is something that we all can just attain and it is a state of heightened awareness. Well I have begun to doubt that idea.. God exists, However it is up to the person that how "big" is his God ... we can close up God completely and of course he would not exist to us, some of us may open up to God so much that it is so real to our everyday. How God is to you is how you see your God. What he is to you is what you see him as ... like if you see him as an evil, if you see him as a provider, if you see him as a dictator. Whatever you see your God as that is what he will be to you.  

Now onto the social strata. They say happy are the poor... sigh another invention of the rich, Well i stole that. And i realized it is true ! that the rich invent stuff to make them remain rich and keep the poor poor... And all talk with no action all the time. This is especially typical of modern society. it is ABSURD! ... I think i will finish this another day ... :D 

Another day another moon another sun...

I am sitting by candle light and computer light if you are interested to know... Reason : to save electricity in the house so that I am able to use the computer excessively... Right on, today was founders day, needless to say which school I am referring to, it is the 147th Founder's day and the best of all we have no bloody clue who are our founders... tsk... to imagine 147 years of celebrating, erm someone that founded the school without event knowing the bloody person. Sigh... so much for value added education ... I received a prize nonetheless for some drama thing that i was never initially involved, firstly because it was not my cca and secondly i just got roped in for fun... And so i got some piece of wood with metal stuck to it and yea, something along those lines. Right pacing on ... I still intend to post up pictures of my notebook though it is getting more tattered and torn day by day...lest it be totally destroyed by the time i am finished with it I would like to keep a somewhat memory of the book that i have kept ....

Right, so what dreary subject am i going to rant about today ? well to tell you the truth I have no real idea. So we will just go according to the flow ... OH OH!!! i should post up my poem ... kk wait ....it is slightly dark but... ah what the hell...

Drown their voices

they are nothing now,only

silent groans to the beating of drums.

engraved memory, excaberated

memory

all scars on my feet, callous.

Difficult to trod onward with blisters.

The eyes of horus

diamond eye,cough and the spit is

blood red

features monstrous tyger like.

Plath like, the gaseous state

the state of God.

immortal like Cain.

The floor has its pikes they plunge deep.

Silver days pass

making hell seem like a fleeting dream.

Everyday is my eternity,

break my bones, hook my flesh. inflict

the rod and whip, my skin the canvas.

Tear, blood

sweaty papers that yellow

post its that insignificant stuck on the wooden panel.

Fridge door and the

reminder, reminding, to remind.

There they are, chiseling my poignant memory

etching away at the stone. the pain and poison

drink it down with gin,

to your health and happiness.

Hallucinations

break apart millions and flee from me

the servant of beelzebub

under my cellar.

Unclean Unclean, the leper limps forward.

Right so what is the poem about ??? well it is up to you :D

My mind is a million fragments now, the Bipolar has finally killed off my mind, the inspiration flows from fits of anger and the anguish that i have. The pain pain pain that everyday i am suffering for a cause that is not worth fighting for. My life is still the mystery that i am still searching out. Many of you would call this teenage angst or perhaps even dismiss it as the mad rantings of a mindless man. But i plead the reader to not dismiss the humble beginnings of this insane artist.

I have never believed in the subduing of a human being, That every human being has not just the rights to live but also the rights to speak up and say what they want to say. HOWEVER in this EXTREMELY timid society. We are just toooo passive to say anything. We are just too comfortable in our 4 to 5 room flats, in our condos and driving to work living the 9-5 job and all that stuff ... WHAT IS WITH THAT ?! Is our society too afraid of stepping beyond the bounds of societal norms. For example in Fashion, Hell... What fashion does Singapore have ? We are just imitators of the fashion world out there. Has Singapore ever created anything uniquely singaporean in the arts ? or hell have we even bothered to ? perhaps we have ... I agree there are certain parts that indeed we Singaporeans have done. But let us take a step back and look. for example, there is a current advertisement that annoys the hell out of me. It is the train advert with gurmit singh and stuff on it ... DO WE REALLY NEED THAT ?! are we as Singaporeans that stupid to not be able to understand that we neeed to give people right of way ? Perhaps sometimes we are, But to descend to such lengths to that advert ... we are sad sad sad... I have given up, I will design a new arts culture, I will add my own flair to this art development and carve my name on the walls of the arts house ...

Anyway ... end of rant... I will do something ...in the heat.

Because i could not remember it all in one post...

This by the way is a follow up on the post just below this :D... This was mainly because i have the incapacity to express all my feelings into a single post. Or more accurately, I was unable to remember all that i needed to rant about in a single post, i guess posting at 5 pm is not very good, brain sleepy. I think my Bi-polar is acting up again, as in I have already read sooo much about it that when it does happen i am able to recognize it immediately, the problem.... i have no idea what to do after that. Today, suffering from mania, meaning sudden highly irritable mood, worst thing, the previous day i was depressed.... sigh... i guess it is becoming more rapid, must control must try to keep myself in control. 

Anyway dragging up my nets again... dragging up the roots that have planted me to where i am. So how have I planned my life to be ? Well here goes, i pray that those who have a faint heart do not continue, I have my life kinda planned out, although I have left loads of room for changes.

here goes. I intend to get out of the house by the time i finish Uni, rent hopefully a 1 room flat, preferably near to an MRT, either that or i would stay over at a friend's place. Of course my that friend is quite rich, i am not afraid to say, but if i am lucky i would stay by his place. Of course i would pay him a small sum every month for living there and using their facilities. And I would work, part time as an English Literature teacher and part time as a poet, artist and just dabbling in different things like sewing and other stuff like that. I doubt i will move out of Singapore but i intend to stay at least 5 years in Paris and another 2 just travelling from there, perhaps finding cheap hotels, maybe even staying over at bars and brothels. Worst comes to worst, sleep at the train station. I have no regard for my own body... It is just a body, and what i will it is my decision. By that time probably i would return to see my mother and father. I probably would have by then lost touch with my brother. But this is one thing that i aim to do... to become an established poet by the age of 30... which is not very far away. That is what i want to do. Mainly to break away from convention. Marriage is not that important to me. Perhaps my brother can carry on the line, i dont really care. Even if i get married I would tell my spouse that it will not be an easy life with me, there will be alot of struggle, half the time there will be a lack of money and mood swings will come often. especially when a poet begins to write. That is kinda what i have currently planned out. 

You may say i am mad. And i agree, I am insane...  BUT there is just a part of me that needs to break from the convention.... Like i learn french to annoy my mother, to not be able to be understood is just perfect, like i am understood half the time.......   

Right, now i have to drag up my long history, I have been beaten, I have been thrown out when afraid, I have been shoved religion down my throat, I have been disallowed any choice of what i want to do in life, I have been dictated and ruled over all my life... and guess what was their excuse ? I love you ... WHAT ?! seriously... love ? I cannot feel the affection, what abandonment is the new love ?!  hah! nonsense. Anyway what i have desired as a life is not in anyway conventional, it will break rules and stretch the bounds of society but i guess we all want to live our lives differently don't we ? I seriously hate 9-5, it will kill me.   

Back where i began... the errors of the past ...

Right on.... So i finally realized what has been so wrong with my life and all the amounting mistakes that have finally plagued my life ... BUT before that i must explain the trigger for this recollection and sudden epiphany that struck me yesternight. Surprise surprise it was a movie ... coco avant chanel... mais in proper anglaise it is coco before chanel. So briefly the movie was talking about the life of coco chanel before she became popular and started to franchise greater into fashion for French women. Obviously she was stared at at parties, stared and nearly jaw dropping at occasions where she was in front of people. Of course she did not dress as convention told her to. Which is quite similar thinking about it, wearing really odd clothing out to school events and for different occasions. Anyway, that was not the crux of the matter. The crux was that she was brought up in a nunnery and later became really wild... so that got me thinking... nunnery really controlled lead to a wild child in a tavern .... hmmmmm.......

I personally have been brought up in a mildly controlled household, there is freedom yes i agree and perhaps some room for reasoning... However what was greatly repressed was perhaps..well you guessed it sex.... and you must be thinking ...oh sex again sigh ... no no i will not delve into the long story again and again about the sex thing... it is slightly overstated. Yea I have been sexually repressed for what... 14 years i think. Yea like from young kissing scenes were blocked from my curious eyes. Even small acts of hugging between men and women I was forbidden to see. Needless to say obviously scenes of intimacy were completely censored from my knowledge. Even the mention of sex or even the mention of boy girl relations were considered unfit for my hearing and i would be locked away and told to go play or something else... And the final blow to it all, put into a all boys school, where there would be absolutely no possible way that i could EVER know about what ever they were trying to block my mind to... Sigh

Apparently that caused your truly to grow up sexually repressed and perhaps wanting to know ? i really dont know, but there was much confusion and at the same time there was this need to break away from family and take up my own stride. To be nothing like them even though we may look similar but there was no way i was going to be like them. So i changed the manner of my speech, changed my fashion sense, changed anything and nearly everything that could possibly tie me down to my family. I guess when you tie down a child for too long he is bound to strike back in his own way. So you may wonder what the hell does this have to do with the sexual repression part... well i guess me being me I have taken up my own views on it, if you want to know read my sex post... it is somewhere below... Also anything that my mother calls fashion NOW i realize is conventional fashion, Ed Hardy, Von Dutch and all the others... After being deprived for soooo long of self choice, EVEN TODAY my mother will still interfere with what i wear CAN YOU BELIEVE IT ?! IT IS ABSURD... so the only way is to break away, create what i call my own and establish self independence... you may think i am crasi. You may even say that what i wear is totally ridiculous, I guess beauty is seen by the beholder. I have decided no more will you decide for me what is right and what is wrong... I will decide and be firm about it. Even if it means getting myself into deep waters and even if it means to experiment and undergo great torture and pain, I will still do it because I am my own. Independent nation.

Right now all I can do is just prepare and get ready for flight, get ready, I am sick of sitting around and not doing much, Got to be something someone someday ... :D MERDEKA!

my 90th post... i really cant believe it :D

heehee *smirks to self* this is my 90th post :D Yea i know... what is to be so pleased about? well really nothing :P it is just a sense of great accomplishment. So I am getting a certificate of appreciation from my school. (when i say my school, i mean only ONE school... Up and On... my heart belongs there). Recently I have been thinking alot (not as though i don't think everyday) and have been thinking of the people that go through and fro from my life. The different things passing and changing according to my life. 18 years on this planet and I still have not really learnt much. As compared to the previous years, I think i have really changed alot this year, too much has happened and too much has passed away. I guess people say that 18 is the turning point. Yea it is... 3 months exact into my 18th year and so much has changed since then. Oh well no good saying all this... I will just tell you all, as it comes to me.

Well It has never felt like this before, there is just something missing from my life. Perhaps it is a sense of satisfaction in the things that i can do. Yea i know that there are people in Africa who would kill for anything that i have. But there is just something that is missing, My guess is that it is a person, a person missing. Sometimes it feels like i am bearing the entire weight of the world. The different problems that my friends have, and the world that they have it is sometimes something that i envy. Like the ease that they manage to gain friends. Personally I only gain a friend if I feel like i will be able to know this person for life and really really long, not just during the time that i am in a place. I was looking through the address book that i have and looked through the different names like Xavier, Joel, Shawn, Keith. All these friends I don't know if they remember me but I can still remember that I really thought we all would remain great friends till the end of time, I guess not. We all fear to fall, falling is perhaps our greatest fear, that the desire to be found again. But when we meet, it won't feel like home, It will just be another face, another place, another hi, goodbye, and the mild muttering of pleasantries. The phrase "forever friends" hah! really?

Oh how did i get to that? right... pressing on. I have known my best brother for about 8 years and yea I would still like to admit that there is still a bit of distance from me and him. (hey don't get mad ok...). Friends tell the truth and they don't want you to fall. Perhaps it is also difficult for me to admit such things. It seriously pains me. Even this year when I got to know a retainee from my school. Tell you what we hit it off right away, and it was really smooth sailing, really pleasant, and then i thought hmmmm maybe she could be a really good friend to last the life. But within months, I would have to say that it shattered. Yea we are still friends but there is a mile between the two of us, there is just the occasional talk and the occasional hey and pleasantries. I guess we all have really different lives. Well i always say that relationships are difficult. I don't desire much of a friend, just need to have a heart, a soul. Not to be overly cheery not overly moody (though it helps sometimes). I just need a friend that can pick me up in tough times, to be there when i need them, Of course i will be there when they need me :D to tell me the truth even if it hurts ( I will always patch up with you ). This I definitely have to thank Miss crasi beautiful, for being honest with me, for telling me what i don't see, yea it was wrong for me to get mad but you were right thanks.

Yea maybe I have a really overly idealistic view on the people around me... But are people really that superficial? I have tried to never make a friend if I know that it will end after a few conversations. No really I really try not to give any mixed signals that I am accepting the outstretched hand. I will be polite and act as though i am partially interested in your conversation, I will laugh at cue, and I will act according to the mood portrayed. (yea I act good)... But i really hate it !!! It makes me superficial and i have real dislike for it!

Another thing, is that i only feel at ease with certain people, not everyone. Some make me tense, some they say so much to me and all i can think of is,,, oh is it ? really ? and the other fillers. But being around people that i like, my brain suddenly has the words to reply every time. Even after 8 years my friend and I, we have nearly the ability to read what the other is about to say, and still we talk loads (we would probably go on and on till the next morning). This is the type of friend that i desire, A person that will just stay up till the other has to go or is completely dead...I guess we all would love that eh? hah! talking about friendship, I have great emotional attachment to everyone of my friends, their struggle is my struggle... Yea i know it is not right and it is some people call it being nosey, But I believe that is what friends do... they will stretch it out with you, they will be with you through it all. LIke when my friends are struggling or perhaps they are going through a bad patch, the only thing that i can think of is them, how they are doing, and whisper a short prayer for them and stuff like that... I guess i am too emotionally attached to people, but I love it, because i love my people.

The oddest thing is that when I myself am going through a rough patch, I will send out large amounts of messages to encourage, to show concern to other people rather than myself. And during that period, every thank you is like a beautiful message to me. Yea, self centered i guess... But i have decided to press on, to forgo the things that people once said, change and press on....

I guess that is what I could come up with :D so take care you all... :P it is easier to say, but harder to feel...