counting down the sunsets.

Today was My cousin's wedding... just a brief update, tomorrow I will be singing on stage, some song ... ain't gonna tell you ! haha yea hopefully i will be able to reach the key that i need to sing at because currently i am suffering STILL from some phlegm and a slight running nose. It is gonna stop i can feel it, But as you know every sickness that plagues me it will be very absolutely ridiculously severe, as in you will be sick for, several weeks running. Not really cool. Anyway apart from that I have 2 more posts before i reach UN CENT!!! it feels awesome that i have kept this blog up for 100 posts ! Life has not really been awesome, my prelims has not been awesome and there are only about 60+ days to A levels. YES YES i have whined about this before and well next week i am meeting a good friends to get it all out of my brain and just to help me push forward. Although I say that this is the last time I will see him but i bet i will ask him to meet me again. heehee... yea we all need friends that will be able to stand by us in difficulty and not make us panic even further.

Anyway not I am listening to christmas music, you may wonder .... huh ? christmas ? isnt that in December ???? yea it is and It is beautiful to listen to :D and then you wonder why we don't listen to it all the time. I know that it is not the season but it is just tooooo swell to not listen to it. Especially the slower ones that are just BEAUTIFUL ! you just sink into the melodious beauty and embrace the perfection for a moment. My favorite is still have your self a merry christmas, any singer can sing it and it is just perfect ! perhaps that is perfection ? Christmas :D which I would not mind ONE BIT ! everyday christmas woot woot. maybe you may think it is so stupid and naive. But i need it all to be happy and keep my bi polar symptoms from showing up. I cant wait, it is not the presents, but it is the happy faces and the lights and oh the atmosphere of cold outside but warm hearts inside just makes me smile :)

anyway in this period of slightly heightened self awareness, I will write a short poem.
I seldom give poems titles but this shall be called... missing you

The crush of my heart
the hawthorn and the snow falls
the beads blanketing us, warm and snug
the lamp is cold outside.
Candles are lit, as the people along the street walk
their umbrellas up, all black and in suits.
Colour my world, with the presents and all the lights
sonnets and the carols, pleasant. floating in the gothic world.

As the warmth comes
the dove flies from its master along with the raven.
roses, I brush them, the old moss covering them.
the sprigs of parsley and mint, they return to the ground
bud and bloom my plant, my sweet
love love love my season.

3 more to hit a hundred...

yea 3 more posts to reach a hundred ... and you must be wondering why i blog nearly 3 times a day... well it is somewhat like medication to me, take three times a day, may cause drowsiness and also in the event that it causes rashes please consult your doctor immediately. :D heehee ...

Just a brief update, on the amazing saga... I have been suffering from worrisome syndrome, where there is really nothing for me to do except worry and do nothing about it. Well it is said that worry not but in everything by prayer and supplication... well i just cant. yea maybe i say a prayer but it does not really stop me from me from worrying. Anyway, this is how it continues, the lady tells me that i have to fax over some stuff which i need to give to them because they need to verify or something that I went for the checkup... Well the BEST thing ... is that i was seen by the nurse that day and so the nurse did not sign the form that required signing cos she said that it is supposed to only be signed by the doc in charge... however that day i could not see the doc cos he is only seen via appointments ... which ...really really does not help me in anyway possible... ARGH ... along with that it is only about 60+ days LEFT TO A LEVELS! And not as though my prelims were really great. So i am worried and really really really crushed and pressured to one side already... It is like being run over by a steam roller. Not fun. 

Anyway... there are other things to be quite pleased about. :D such as having a good friend to help me get polaroid film and be willing to go all out to search for all these stuff that i don't really have time to search for so THANK YOU :D for helping me find cheap polaroid film, well it ain't that cheap, it is about 24 bucks which is about 2.40 per piece. which makes it 60 c cheaper than the usual that i pay. AWESOME ! Along with that ... there is my ukulele which i have bought quite a few weeks ago and it is ROCKING !! beginning to love it more than my guitar even though it costs about 10 times less... 800 buck guit compared to a 80 plus ukulele... you may think it is a waste. yea it kinda is ... that i did not find the ukulele earlier. ah nothing is ever fair, except in love and war... where all is fair. whether you live or die, whether you get her or you don't it is all fair. or so we would like to believe. 

Right I have not been writing much poetry these few days or weeks even,.... this is because i am kinda taking a break from writing for awhile to edit up some of my poems. Currently I am trying to revert back into the older style of poetry whilst keeping the modernist pastiche from Plath and putting it into the sonnet form. Boxing up plath is like trying to maintain somewhat a sense of control over the poem and so i attempt to do that :P 

So i present to you another sonnet. 

Forgetfulness, the planks of wood hammered into the door,

Blotting out the words, bottling the air

Chemical chaos, chemical, chemical, split the word. 

Flat and the world is the empty line with no fill.

everyday simple, dreaming of daisies and straw hats

A single lightbulb lighting up. the clouds begin their stroll. 

Eyes they open

the flowers, all pink, yellow and green as their canvas.

paint up my mask, paint and tattoo deep into my skin 

the light strumming and the ring. 

darken my skin, a black hole that 

leaves no mercy. 

no hope. A hurricane hurling, whirling all blended. 

Drops of water begin to fall, come cool rain. 

Confused ? heehee work this one out yourself.   

Dependence on people

People fail, people will disappoint at times, people are never perfect and can never be perfect. We are a mess of imperfections that try to live our lives, each day at a time. Trying not to be pretentious or perhaps we put up an act everyday and our real selves are not developed, perhaps some of us are still immature, still naive and still completely incompetent at many things. Unable to reciprocate unable to return the favor paid to us. I being me have relied on people tooo much that it becomes nearly a fear that i have to trust people, that it becomes that if a person becomes too friendly toward me I think that the person has an ulterior motive or something like that. And it has become a sort of phobia that i begin to have about people. It may be quite a paranoid thing and maybe even possibly be hyper hyper sensitive towards people and their emotions. And i tend to look at everything, because your lips can say one and your hands can say another. I have lied before and I do know when a person tries to conceal it. Can't you just tell people in the face? I know sometimes it may be just blunt to do so. But at times it is appropriate. Sometimes it is supposed to be good and cause a certain amount of change. Because ALL of us are not perfect and require the words of another to correct our wrongs. If it is a good friend, ALL THE MORE you should correct, yea perhaps you put the friendship at risk but it is a good risk... A risk to tell the truth even when it is extremely painful. You may say that by doing that we are reliant on people and that we need people around us all the time. Well we are around people about 3/4 of the day at least and without that human connection we feel empty. That is why i say that good friends are important, no matter gender, no matter race, religion... it does not really matter. Friends are willing to tell the other the truth when it hurts, when it might sacrifice the relationship but choose to be honest. They stand by you even when you are about to take the plunge. They know your weakness and don't showcase it, they showcase your strengths and protect. Protect especially what is precious to them. They will put aside everything, just to hear you out. Maybe I am just being naive and overly idealistic. But I try to do these things for my friends. I try, even if it will sabotage a relationship, If I don't treat you as a friend I will pretend in front of you and act interested in what you say, giving you pity laughs and smiles that are unreal. So how do you know when i am a friend of yours ? if i keep watching out for you (it may sound creepy) But really If I keep looking out for you no matter what... Like I said earlier, love is easy and relationships well they are a different story. Well words that are cheap as well, concern is a full time investment. Though we know that words are the easy things to say to please and to flatter we still comply and give in to the other person's guilty pleasures. It disgusts me, because the other is not true to the other and between good friends it is just... no, no, no ! To love as a friend is to love as a brother or love as a sister. where they are as close as blood ties. Sometimes blood is not thicker than water. Sometimes blood is bad ... and the water is purer than the blood... It happens... 

Errare est Humanum

Errare est Humanum, To err is human... Well kinda. We all make mistakes, some big some small, but we do not look at size here. All have made mistakes, no matter how swell you are you are bound to trip and fall one day. Yea pessimistic I know. Well I was thinking about it, c'est difficulte to express... how i feel at this current moment. I think i better start from the beginning and perhaps i will be able to come up with something. Aujourd'hui, I was free, today was teacher's day ... the day where all students would show some sort of appreciation to their tutors or teachers. Well it was the day where I saw some people write stuff to teachers that they personally did not like or have any thanks to. I agree that there are some teachers that we all dislike. Well I guess that if you hate a teacher, by writing to him/her and saying all that bull on paper it is worth nothing, cos you are just pretending, AND IT ANNOYS ME !... yea there is a need to thank them and need to appreciate the effort put in, but exaggerating c'est not right ! Anyway, I am still sick and suffering from flu, yea... running nose, cough with phlegm. Disgusting is'nt it. Along with that the army blocked me off from accessing my Letter of Identity, and somehow I am still stuck in the middle and I have really no idea how to do or what to do. So now i have to wait and trust the system... which is not helping because of the different authorities that it has to go through... it will take AGES to finally process it. Quite afraid cos if anything goes wrong there is the Article 33 or something like that where they can fine you or something up to 10 000 and i would not say that i am from a very rich familie... so 10 000 is a really, really unbelievable sum of money. 

Demain I have lecon and the best thing is that it is not classroom, it is in a large lecture hall... where they will rant to us about our papiers which we may not even be getting back demain! Again c'est absurd to tell us the answers but not return us le papier d'examen. Sorry for all le francais (the french) ... because i am learning french and need to practice... as they say practice makes perfect... or in french c'est en forgeant, qu'on devaint forgeant. Right, pressing on... 

I just thought of some ideas whilst doing my walk around ma ville. It is about chaos, where everything that man does causes chaos because we innately are not perfect. the meaning of chaos is where something that relies on the other and it is not given back to, for example like when a light is connected to a battery, the lightbulb lights up and the battery is drained, therefore there is chaos because the battery is not fed by the bulb again. However nature is perhaps the only perfect example of perfect harmony, like a tree, the ground feeds the tree and in return the tree feeds the ground by its leaves falling and decomposing. therefore creating more ground. Thus because both feed each other there is a cycle that goes on. Man, because he is natural, is therefore in perfect harmony, HOWEVER... we are unable to create a totally perfect and harmonious object... Perhaps i am wrong and we have created things that have a harmony. I am ignorant at times.

haha! anyway, i should move on and really go back to what i really wanted to do and stop deviating...I guess the only medium of expression that i am bound to is poetry, So i shall do this as a stream of consciousness... Oh i just remembered... SYLVIA PLATH copies ANNE SEXTON ! really plath has the similar desire of Sexton of being a jew and the electra complex and all that nonsense, coincidentally both committed suicide, both are deranged poets... hah! you make the link. Though i prefere sexton over plath.... Right enough sidetracking... this poem is untitled 2 (I have a previous untitled poem) and it is written as a stream of consciousness, with music in one ear... 

The trees stand at attention 

Backyard empty with the magpie sitting by the old broom.

Cloud the room with the cigarette 

I pace the room, my echo.

Dreaming of sheep, black and white. 

The couch is empty, the red and the plush. 

The bed is empty, the stairs and the cupboard. 

Flowers left out in the rain, the vase is brand new. 

Old, pools of ravens color my lenses. 

Feeding on the restless, feeding on the bread crumbs left outside. 

Old oak, broods over me, the roots deep, the branches shade. 

The red lipstick, kisses from a lover. 

The red and the stab, the black, flat, end. 

Machines turn silent and the final word, signed along the line. 

You may be extremely confused about what the poem means. Well it is about loss... obviously. It is a funeral that is taking place. The oak, a symbol in celtic myth, a doorway to the netherworld. ravens, magpies- both birds that represent death. red is of course - representative of life- blood and black, well needless to explain. Well I hope this poem finds favor in your eyes. Briefly the poem is about loss. See what you may... it is all up to the reader's interpretation. But there is a limit, or as Derrida called it aporia to the interpretation. 

So i bid thee adieu ! and i will be back demain to continue blogging :D happy reading ... 

Philosophy ?

I have several thoughts that i have gained over the years that I have been a human being. 

God, perhaps the most pertinent of issues that man has struggled with, Nitzche had called Gott ist tot ! and of course the most recent... essence before existence. Well... I would like to propose a more religious view. As many have claimed that God is non existent and that we all should believe in the empirical evidence of the new found sciences. I absolutely Abhor such a thing. Personally being a religious person for most of my life, even I have questioned the existence of God. I hav always wondered if God was a feeling or perhaps just a state of mind that we all can get into and out of as we please. That perhaps it is something that we all can just attain and it is a state of heightened awareness. Well I have begun to doubt that idea.. God exists, However it is up to the person that how "big" is his God ... we can close up God completely and of course he would not exist to us, some of us may open up to God so much that it is so real to our everyday. How God is to you is how you see your God. What he is to you is what you see him as ... like if you see him as an evil, if you see him as a provider, if you see him as a dictator. Whatever you see your God as that is what he will be to you.  

Now onto the social strata. They say happy are the poor... sigh another invention of the rich, Well i stole that. And i realized it is true ! that the rich invent stuff to make them remain rich and keep the poor poor... And all talk with no action all the time. This is especially typical of modern society. it is ABSURD! ... I think i will finish this another day ... :D 

Another day another moon another sun...

I am sitting by candle light and computer light if you are interested to know... Reason : to save electricity in the house so that I am able to use the computer excessively... Right on, today was founders day, needless to say which school I am referring to, it is the 147th Founder's day and the best of all we have no bloody clue who are our founders... tsk... to imagine 147 years of celebrating, erm someone that founded the school without event knowing the bloody person. Sigh... so much for value added education ... I received a prize nonetheless for some drama thing that i was never initially involved, firstly because it was not my cca and secondly i just got roped in for fun... And so i got some piece of wood with metal stuck to it and yea, something along those lines. Right pacing on ... I still intend to post up pictures of my notebook though it is getting more tattered and torn day by day...lest it be totally destroyed by the time i am finished with it I would like to keep a somewhat memory of the book that i have kept ....

Right, so what dreary subject am i going to rant about today ? well to tell you the truth I have no real idea. So we will just go according to the flow ... OH OH!!! i should post up my poem ... kk wait ....it is slightly dark but... ah what the hell...

Drown their voices

they are nothing now,only

silent groans to the beating of drums.

engraved memory, excaberated

memory

all scars on my feet, callous.

Difficult to trod onward with blisters.

The eyes of horus

diamond eye,cough and the spit is

blood red

features monstrous tyger like.

Plath like, the gaseous state

the state of God.

immortal like Cain.

The floor has its pikes they plunge deep.

Silver days pass

making hell seem like a fleeting dream.

Everyday is my eternity,

break my bones, hook my flesh. inflict

the rod and whip, my skin the canvas.

Tear, blood

sweaty papers that yellow

post its that insignificant stuck on the wooden panel.

Fridge door and the

reminder, reminding, to remind.

There they are, chiseling my poignant memory

etching away at the stone. the pain and poison

drink it down with gin,

to your health and happiness.

Hallucinations

break apart millions and flee from me

the servant of beelzebub

under my cellar.

Unclean Unclean, the leper limps forward.

Right so what is the poem about ??? well it is up to you :D

My mind is a million fragments now, the Bipolar has finally killed off my mind, the inspiration flows from fits of anger and the anguish that i have. The pain pain pain that everyday i am suffering for a cause that is not worth fighting for. My life is still the mystery that i am still searching out. Many of you would call this teenage angst or perhaps even dismiss it as the mad rantings of a mindless man. But i plead the reader to not dismiss the humble beginnings of this insane artist.

I have never believed in the subduing of a human being, That every human being has not just the rights to live but also the rights to speak up and say what they want to say. HOWEVER in this EXTREMELY timid society. We are just toooo passive to say anything. We are just too comfortable in our 4 to 5 room flats, in our condos and driving to work living the 9-5 job and all that stuff ... WHAT IS WITH THAT ?! Is our society too afraid of stepping beyond the bounds of societal norms. For example in Fashion, Hell... What fashion does Singapore have ? We are just imitators of the fashion world out there. Has Singapore ever created anything uniquely singaporean in the arts ? or hell have we even bothered to ? perhaps we have ... I agree there are certain parts that indeed we Singaporeans have done. But let us take a step back and look. for example, there is a current advertisement that annoys the hell out of me. It is the train advert with gurmit singh and stuff on it ... DO WE REALLY NEED THAT ?! are we as Singaporeans that stupid to not be able to understand that we neeed to give people right of way ? Perhaps sometimes we are, But to descend to such lengths to that advert ... we are sad sad sad... I have given up, I will design a new arts culture, I will add my own flair to this art development and carve my name on the walls of the arts house ...

Anyway ... end of rant... I will do something ...in the heat.