Because i could not remember it all in one post...

This by the way is a follow up on the post just below this :D... This was mainly because i have the incapacity to express all my feelings into a single post. Or more accurately, I was unable to remember all that i needed to rant about in a single post, i guess posting at 5 pm is not very good, brain sleepy. I think my Bi-polar is acting up again, as in I have already read sooo much about it that when it does happen i am able to recognize it immediately, the problem.... i have no idea what to do after that. Today, suffering from mania, meaning sudden highly irritable mood, worst thing, the previous day i was depressed.... sigh... i guess it is becoming more rapid, must control must try to keep myself in control. 

Anyway dragging up my nets again... dragging up the roots that have planted me to where i am. So how have I planned my life to be ? Well here goes, i pray that those who have a faint heart do not continue, I have my life kinda planned out, although I have left loads of room for changes.

here goes. I intend to get out of the house by the time i finish Uni, rent hopefully a 1 room flat, preferably near to an MRT, either that or i would stay over at a friend's place. Of course my that friend is quite rich, i am not afraid to say, but if i am lucky i would stay by his place. Of course i would pay him a small sum every month for living there and using their facilities. And I would work, part time as an English Literature teacher and part time as a poet, artist and just dabbling in different things like sewing and other stuff like that. I doubt i will move out of Singapore but i intend to stay at least 5 years in Paris and another 2 just travelling from there, perhaps finding cheap hotels, maybe even staying over at bars and brothels. Worst comes to worst, sleep at the train station. I have no regard for my own body... It is just a body, and what i will it is my decision. By that time probably i would return to see my mother and father. I probably would have by then lost touch with my brother. But this is one thing that i aim to do... to become an established poet by the age of 30... which is not very far away. That is what i want to do. Mainly to break away from convention. Marriage is not that important to me. Perhaps my brother can carry on the line, i dont really care. Even if i get married I would tell my spouse that it will not be an easy life with me, there will be alot of struggle, half the time there will be a lack of money and mood swings will come often. especially when a poet begins to write. That is kinda what i have currently planned out. 

You may say i am mad. And i agree, I am insane...  BUT there is just a part of me that needs to break from the convention.... Like i learn french to annoy my mother, to not be able to be understood is just perfect, like i am understood half the time.......   

Right, now i have to drag up my long history, I have been beaten, I have been thrown out when afraid, I have been shoved religion down my throat, I have been disallowed any choice of what i want to do in life, I have been dictated and ruled over all my life... and guess what was their excuse ? I love you ... WHAT ?! seriously... love ? I cannot feel the affection, what abandonment is the new love ?!  hah! nonsense. Anyway what i have desired as a life is not in anyway conventional, it will break rules and stretch the bounds of society but i guess we all want to live our lives differently don't we ? I seriously hate 9-5, it will kill me.   

Back where i began... the errors of the past ...

Right on.... So i finally realized what has been so wrong with my life and all the amounting mistakes that have finally plagued my life ... BUT before that i must explain the trigger for this recollection and sudden epiphany that struck me yesternight. Surprise surprise it was a movie ... coco avant chanel... mais in proper anglaise it is coco before chanel. So briefly the movie was talking about the life of coco chanel before she became popular and started to franchise greater into fashion for French women. Obviously she was stared at at parties, stared and nearly jaw dropping at occasions where she was in front of people. Of course she did not dress as convention told her to. Which is quite similar thinking about it, wearing really odd clothing out to school events and for different occasions. Anyway, that was not the crux of the matter. The crux was that she was brought up in a nunnery and later became really wild... so that got me thinking... nunnery really controlled lead to a wild child in a tavern .... hmmmmm.......

I personally have been brought up in a mildly controlled household, there is freedom yes i agree and perhaps some room for reasoning... However what was greatly repressed was perhaps..well you guessed it sex.... and you must be thinking ...oh sex again sigh ... no no i will not delve into the long story again and again about the sex thing... it is slightly overstated. Yea I have been sexually repressed for what... 14 years i think. Yea like from young kissing scenes were blocked from my curious eyes. Even small acts of hugging between men and women I was forbidden to see. Needless to say obviously scenes of intimacy were completely censored from my knowledge. Even the mention of sex or even the mention of boy girl relations were considered unfit for my hearing and i would be locked away and told to go play or something else... And the final blow to it all, put into a all boys school, where there would be absolutely no possible way that i could EVER know about what ever they were trying to block my mind to... Sigh

Apparently that caused your truly to grow up sexually repressed and perhaps wanting to know ? i really dont know, but there was much confusion and at the same time there was this need to break away from family and take up my own stride. To be nothing like them even though we may look similar but there was no way i was going to be like them. So i changed the manner of my speech, changed my fashion sense, changed anything and nearly everything that could possibly tie me down to my family. I guess when you tie down a child for too long he is bound to strike back in his own way. So you may wonder what the hell does this have to do with the sexual repression part... well i guess me being me I have taken up my own views on it, if you want to know read my sex post... it is somewhere below... Also anything that my mother calls fashion NOW i realize is conventional fashion, Ed Hardy, Von Dutch and all the others... After being deprived for soooo long of self choice, EVEN TODAY my mother will still interfere with what i wear CAN YOU BELIEVE IT ?! IT IS ABSURD... so the only way is to break away, create what i call my own and establish self independence... you may think i am crasi. You may even say that what i wear is totally ridiculous, I guess beauty is seen by the beholder. I have decided no more will you decide for me what is right and what is wrong... I will decide and be firm about it. Even if it means getting myself into deep waters and even if it means to experiment and undergo great torture and pain, I will still do it because I am my own. Independent nation.

Right now all I can do is just prepare and get ready for flight, get ready, I am sick of sitting around and not doing much, Got to be something someone someday ... :D MERDEKA!

my 90th post... i really cant believe it :D

heehee *smirks to self* this is my 90th post :D Yea i know... what is to be so pleased about? well really nothing :P it is just a sense of great accomplishment. So I am getting a certificate of appreciation from my school. (when i say my school, i mean only ONE school... Up and On... my heart belongs there). Recently I have been thinking alot (not as though i don't think everyday) and have been thinking of the people that go through and fro from my life. The different things passing and changing according to my life. 18 years on this planet and I still have not really learnt much. As compared to the previous years, I think i have really changed alot this year, too much has happened and too much has passed away. I guess people say that 18 is the turning point. Yea it is... 3 months exact into my 18th year and so much has changed since then. Oh well no good saying all this... I will just tell you all, as it comes to me.

Well It has never felt like this before, there is just something missing from my life. Perhaps it is a sense of satisfaction in the things that i can do. Yea i know that there are people in Africa who would kill for anything that i have. But there is just something that is missing, My guess is that it is a person, a person missing. Sometimes it feels like i am bearing the entire weight of the world. The different problems that my friends have, and the world that they have it is sometimes something that i envy. Like the ease that they manage to gain friends. Personally I only gain a friend if I feel like i will be able to know this person for life and really really long, not just during the time that i am in a place. I was looking through the address book that i have and looked through the different names like Xavier, Joel, Shawn, Keith. All these friends I don't know if they remember me but I can still remember that I really thought we all would remain great friends till the end of time, I guess not. We all fear to fall, falling is perhaps our greatest fear, that the desire to be found again. But when we meet, it won't feel like home, It will just be another face, another place, another hi, goodbye, and the mild muttering of pleasantries. The phrase "forever friends" hah! really?

Oh how did i get to that? right... pressing on. I have known my best brother for about 8 years and yea I would still like to admit that there is still a bit of distance from me and him. (hey don't get mad ok...). Friends tell the truth and they don't want you to fall. Perhaps it is also difficult for me to admit such things. It seriously pains me. Even this year when I got to know a retainee from my school. Tell you what we hit it off right away, and it was really smooth sailing, really pleasant, and then i thought hmmmm maybe she could be a really good friend to last the life. But within months, I would have to say that it shattered. Yea we are still friends but there is a mile between the two of us, there is just the occasional talk and the occasional hey and pleasantries. I guess we all have really different lives. Well i always say that relationships are difficult. I don't desire much of a friend, just need to have a heart, a soul. Not to be overly cheery not overly moody (though it helps sometimes). I just need a friend that can pick me up in tough times, to be there when i need them, Of course i will be there when they need me :D to tell me the truth even if it hurts ( I will always patch up with you ). This I definitely have to thank Miss crasi beautiful, for being honest with me, for telling me what i don't see, yea it was wrong for me to get mad but you were right thanks.

Yea maybe I have a really overly idealistic view on the people around me... But are people really that superficial? I have tried to never make a friend if I know that it will end after a few conversations. No really I really try not to give any mixed signals that I am accepting the outstretched hand. I will be polite and act as though i am partially interested in your conversation, I will laugh at cue, and I will act according to the mood portrayed. (yea I act good)... But i really hate it !!! It makes me superficial and i have real dislike for it!

Another thing, is that i only feel at ease with certain people, not everyone. Some make me tense, some they say so much to me and all i can think of is,,, oh is it ? really ? and the other fillers. But being around people that i like, my brain suddenly has the words to reply every time. Even after 8 years my friend and I, we have nearly the ability to read what the other is about to say, and still we talk loads (we would probably go on and on till the next morning). This is the type of friend that i desire, A person that will just stay up till the other has to go or is completely dead...I guess we all would love that eh? hah! talking about friendship, I have great emotional attachment to everyone of my friends, their struggle is my struggle... Yea i know it is not right and it is some people call it being nosey, But I believe that is what friends do... they will stretch it out with you, they will be with you through it all. LIke when my friends are struggling or perhaps they are going through a bad patch, the only thing that i can think of is them, how they are doing, and whisper a short prayer for them and stuff like that... I guess i am too emotionally attached to people, but I love it, because i love my people.

The oddest thing is that when I myself am going through a rough patch, I will send out large amounts of messages to encourage, to show concern to other people rather than myself. And during that period, every thank you is like a beautiful message to me. Yea, self centered i guess... But i have decided to press on, to forgo the things that people once said, change and press on....

I guess that is what I could come up with :D so take care you all... :P it is easier to say, but harder to feel...

medicine for the heart, it stings... may cause drowsiness. Take everyday...

so here goes, some medication for my heart, because it is feeling heavy and quite bogged down by toooo many things.
Like exams, and just really there is so much on my mind right now that if you were to unfurl it, it might be able to fill all the books on the planet. And so what have i decided to talk about ? sex :D

haha!!! it is considered nearly taboo in the society that i am living in today, hell everyday . Like that day i was talking about it to a friend on the train, just a brief conversation on sex and stuff and people were staring as though it was a weird topic... and perhaps ready to stone us or something. Anyway, sex is overstated. nuff said. Sex is just in out in out, to the regular people. They say in Singapore, people don't enjoy sex. Well why ?! Sex is, well to use the cliche : sex is beautiful... it is not just mindless motion, ok maybe perhaps sometimes it is just the ridiculous motion. But it is the joining of two people, well to the divine people they call it something ...uhm... spirit to spirit or something like that. Well they say that it is not just the joining of the two bodies but also the joining of the two spirit soul and body... well there is little i can say.

Anyway back onto sex. So why is society frowning on the thing that it needs the most ? shy ? i guess so. so to quote the black eyed peas ... " where is the love ? " i really dont see it and when it shows up it is frowned upon. For example to enter into a sex shop in Singapore is a shameful thing to do... WHY ?! some people need to masturbate, to quell their sex drive... or perhaps for pleasure... like buying a dildo or a vibrator is like purchasing heroin. IT IS NOT SHAMEFUL! some couples role play or perhaps they have sex in the open as in not covered under the blankets. WHAT IS TO BE ASHAMED ABOUT THE HUMAN BODY.

no really... ok i cannot stand it :P go to the mirror and strip ! seriously look at your entire body in the mirror. stare at it ! there is nothing shameful. it is your body, you cant change it you just have to accept it. nothing is shameful in sex. people have some fetishes like feet, s&m, stockings, nurses, teachers... the list goes on. personally... i have some fetishes of my own. Please i have nothing to be ashamed about... i would willingly post it up here... fine why not... feet, teachers, i think solos ? yea anyway... there is nothing to be ashamed about. I am what I am. At least i am not shamed bout my sex.

So what is so special about sex ? well i guess it is the pleasure, it is the fun being in the same bed, ok maybe the same place as a person you love sooooo intimately. For some it is about the body movements. For some it is about having the adventure. Well no matter what it is. I still stand by my belief that one spouse, one lover, till death. Yea perhaps that is old school to you, but it is meaningful to me.... love is important, but sex as well...it must be enjoyable, must have passion and of couse must be trained up for :P... yes sex requires training. i wont go into the details, cos you need to think ! what fetish the other partner has well i guess fufill or break it is the only thing you can do :P heeehee... only one thing to say : go forth and multiply with PASSION ! XD