And I am back... this hopeless romantic

this is probably one of the few times that i will not write a poem after my post. This is just an update. Currently i am listening to Perfect by Maren Ord, the beauty of it all. Oh well... i guess I would have to wait, wait for the world to be a little more perfect. :P. Anyway, today was a rather interesting day, I have been up since 4 AM !!!! and all because I believed my jie that studying then would be productive. Apparently it was.... and it killed me during the exam, I had little energy to hold up my pen less even to think of reasonable literature arguments. hah !!! oh today there was a hilarious mix up, due to the fact that the three of us, my jie, a friend and I were lazy and completely ridiculously unable to make decisions therefore we somehow ended up eating up with the entire, well kinda more than usual, class and school people. Of course we did not expect it to turn out to be like this, and rather wanted it to be more of just the few of us. 

I dunno but my jie looked kinda uninterested and quite listless during these situations. And i was no exception, nor was my dear friend to my right. this blog is mainly for me to rant out my desires and my emotions. There is a great refusal on my part to display public emotion unless it is to someone i really love and treat as a good friend. This part is of course very seldom seen, because i hate HATE to be kind to EVERYONE, i just cannot bear to be taken advantage of. Care is taken into my every consideration. 

So what is my REAL purpose in writing this post. It is only to just for me to reflect on what life has given to me and, though it may seem impossible to have everything I want. Life has been good to me. Or that is what i want to believe, to be able to find an angel, a beautiful angel at that, clever, witty and a very very lovely friend, my jie. Along with my friend who is probably the most hilarious make up of a boyfriend ever know to man, well we all need to learn to be a hopeless romantic sometimes. And my great friend known him for 7 odd years and he is still getting himself into trouble making it a wonderful story to tell people, and trust me he is a nice guy. OH OH !!!! and i get to have kopi peng on monday, or at least that is what i hope, and another sometime other. PERFECT !!! I guess life has been good, truly good to me, even though I would kill to be a mad hopeless romantic again lost in my own world, but i think my da jie knows it would probably distract me and I would not be able to concentrate, good call da jie you probably are right. 

Sitting here typing this, my heart is still in the unsettled state and has been pressing for something, that it has not achieved. it is just that funny feeling inside, to just gwash ... just in that frame of mind. oh deliver me from it!!! 

that song is on repeat... what if the world was a little more perfect... just stop crying and would you take the lead...what if the world were a little more perfect, would you open your eyes, and blink for me. if only.... if only... anyway i am about to go and shower, but my heart is not settled. far from being settled... 

I am back... after a long bath. I AM A WRECK !!!!!!!!! A COMPLETE EMOTIONAL MESS. I CANNOT, PROBABLY ALREADY LOST CONTROL OF ALLLLLLLL MY EMOTIONAL BACKING. I AM OPEN TO THE WORLD! EVERYTHING WITHIN ME HAS REALLY BROKEN DOWN. 

I CANNOT STAND IT ANYMORE!! I JUST WANT TO GO SCREAM INTO A PILLOW, JUST GET MYSELF DRUNK, OR EVEN JUST CRY BUCKETS!!! WHY WHY WHY AM I THIS DISASTER... UNABLE TO STAND ON MY OWN TWO FEET, my heart has gone through too much, too much this year, that i may just die of a broken heart,  a heart failure. You may say I probably need psychatric help... I dont ! I DONT !!! 

as i type... i can feel the tension within my heart tighten, I dont know if i should have already given up, or should i press on to the end, wherever that leads, the words are MULSH in my head. I cannot structure I have lost it, my mind a haywire mess, the choices all based on emotion rather than logic ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I CANNOT TAKE IT ANYMORE. My mother is pressuring me for this Mid years. I DONT CARE ANYMORE SCREW MIDYEARS !!! SCREW IT ALL... THE PRESSURE IS TAKING HOLD OF ME. I feel ready to break, and here they come.... the waterworks.... (leaves computer) 

WHY CANT I JUST JUST RUN AWAY... ESCAPE FROM IT ALL... THIS ALL ENCOMPASSING MADNESS WHICH I FEEL... CAN IT BE TRANSIENT ???!!!! I HAVE HAD THIS FEELING FOR ABOUT A WEEK AND IT HAS NOT GONE AWAY......I GUESS IT REALLY IS too late to change... 

I AM A WRECK, A COMPLETE WRECK, A DISASTER WAITING TO HAPPEN, NOT WHAT I SEEM IN SCHOOL THIS FALSEHOOD THIS HAPPY CHEERY SLIGHTLY MORE DELIGHTED ME.... WHY WHY !!!! WHY DECIDEDLY DECEIVE YOURSELF YOU STUPID STUPID MAN !!!! I AM NOT !!! I HAVE NOT BEEN WHO I TRULY AM... IF YOU HAD SEEN WHO I AM... (SIGH) YOU WILL NEVER BELIEVE WHO I TRULY AM OR CAPABLE TO BE!!!!

but that feeling... that pulling that that just there.... help me help me.... FUCK IT !!!!!!! SERIOUSLY FUCK IT ALL I DONT WANT TO GIVE A SHIT NO MORE... VEX ME PERPLEX ME JUST TAKE WHAT YOU WANT AND LEAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JUST TAKE AND LEAVE!!! EVEN IF YOU DESIRE ME TO DO THE STUPIDEST THING I WILL DO... JUST JUST GET ME OUT ... (tears still flowing) JUST WANT TO DISSOLVE,,, LIKE SUGAR INTO MY OWN MESS!!! WHAT DOES SOCIETY HOLD FOR ME... IS ALL WHAT I HAVE DONE NOTHING !!! IS IT REALLY NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING!!!!!!!! WHY DO I EVEN BOTHER WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH ME !!!! THAT MY ENTIRE LIFE HAS BEEN TORMENTED AND A TORTURE, LET ME GO AWAY INTO THAT EMPTINESS.... JUST WANT TO POUR OUT MY SOUL !!!  who is this idiot that messaged me ?!!! bloody church people !!! just leave me alone... let your CHRIST SAVE YOU!!! 

JUST JUST A;JDSahfsknlnl ARGH !!!!  I DONT CARE NO MORE !!! SINGE MY WHITE HEAD... HEAR ME !!! HEAR ME!!!! SURROUNDED YET LEFT ... ALONE ALONE IN THAT MESS THAT IS I!!!! I, I, I, I,I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, JUST DONT WANT TO RECOVER... THIS SICKNESS... TAKE... I WILL GIVE WILLINGLY

I RELINQUISH IT ALL 

-------------------------------

LET THIS BE THE END OF ME 

breaks down into tears....................there is little more than i can say what life has given me. 

recollections ... of a lost memory

well it is difficult to put into words. The feelings that i feel, sometimes i feel like an emotional wreck and other times like i just feel free and lighthearted. 

Well I have often refrained from this subject so ... da jie if you are reading this I have moved on. After 3 long years... I probably have found someone like you. Not exactly but close enough. After you had passed on, I remember being a complete Wreck. I know that if you were there, you probably would be there to cry with me. I remember nearly everyday the endless phone call, hah your mother was furious at you! And the calls could go on for hours I still remember the call that we lasted the whole night just talking and catching up. I don't know if you can still hear me but every day I just cant seem to forget. I guess you would ask me to move on with life, which i have, well at least i think so, I have found a new da jie. Well she does not want me to call her da jie so i just call her jie. Anyway, i trust you are happy wherever you are. I was a complete wreck when i was listening to a song. ah anyway.... it has indeed been too long and way way way long ago in the past. I doubt i will forget but i will try... what ever i can muster to move on i guess. 

Anyway, this post is for you, specially dedicated to you, I will remember you always, you will forever be my elder sis.