爱

well what more can I say... it is love... hah ... you may think at this moment that i am crazily in love with someone. Well to break that image, I am not attached with anyone. That does not necessarily mean that i cannot feel love, that warm feeling, filling up heart, mind and just bubbles to the surface. Recently I did some MBTI thing, so i got INFP, it apparently claims that i am introverted, intuitive, having feeling and perception. Whatever rocks your boat... Anyway... the reason for blogging this post on love is mainly because I am currently observing other people fall in love, and it is really quite amusing :D. Needless to say, love is something that i have been intending to write about. The problem is that I am not in love, and there is not much emotion to write and there is not enough feeling to it as compared to the other things that i write on such as dying and about failures in life (how optimistic)... considering the fact that most of the poets I read have suicidal tendencies... hmmmmmm. I doubt but, who knows.

Anyway back to the main topic on love, let me try to write about it. Well recently I have given up a friendship with a friend. Perhaps you may think it is stupid and really dumb of me to do such a thing. As the proverb says: better a friend than an enemy. Well most proverbs are just short things that really don't hold much truth... proverbs are just people trying to act clever. It really is nonsense... well most of it... Ah what is there to hide, I shall keep up to my own word and express what I truly feel inside, there is no point in hiding it is there ?

Outside i can act I can play with the facial expressions making them act as though i am concerned, interested or perhaps even pretend that i don't give a crap. Well the fact is that it is highly Impossible for me not to express myself. Well usually I try to do it privately, like screaming into a pillow, or perhaps just letting tears flow down as I sit there by the computer screen and think and think and overthink so much that it is impossible to fall asleep. There is too much I hide, and for good reason: for the sake of the other. You may comment and say that i am bloody narcissistic, hell i am not afraid to admit, arent we all ? we all believe deeply in ourselves all the time. We love ourselves, and that is why we engage in consumerism isnt it ? buying to pamper ourselves. Everything that we do is mostly self motivated, don't believe me ? try doing something completely selfless ... when you are done tell me. Usually there is need to act on the outside and not truly reflect what we all internally feel because of the unspoken rules of society. It Abhors and Disgusts me... that we all act and act and act. YEA Shakespeare said that all the world's a stage and all the men and women merely actors... tsk tsk... shakespeare could go shove that up his ass ! (not meaning to be disrespectful) ... Life is not an act. If we go through life as an act then perhaps we might end up like Lear... disillusioned, never really knowing what we truly are. We are made up of the truth and the lies that people say about us. And only when the lies are eliminated then, when truth prevails, or hell IF truth manages to prevail then we will find who we are. And believe me, We all can never take it we are all that we speak against, all that we hate, all that we loudly proclaim that we are against.

I am deviating... back to the main point. Internally there is nothing of myself left, really. I am literally at rock bottom. I have never NEVER let go of any relationship, unless the other party lets go first then i guess i have to let go as well. Even though I take ages to let go eventually it will still happen, it will cost me... I know it will, my heart, my mind. Every harsh word will shake my composure. Really! that is the extent that i treat words. Words are often treated as something truly minor and unimportant... but every word that people have said to me and i have replied back, after that conversation I will rethink of the exact words said and see if i could have expressed better or even wonder what the other person means in all senses of the words that he/she speaks. Yea stupid, i know that I think of things that cannot change... But that is who i am. Every word any one says will definitely shake my composure, and either plummet me into deep sadness or a strong joy. Perhaps that is why it is extremely painful for me to take criticism. It truly sucks...

Weird isnt it that this is titled, love? when I have given it all and tried the best I could to save the relationship, i guess i was wrong all along... I never believed it till today... I am nothing, just a foolish foolish person! I need to tide through this... don't let it bog me down. I bet i will be dreadful tomorrow...

:D

100 :(

Well this is the hundredth post :D... it has been an awesome journey ... from the beginning to this post. I have blogged about a range of topics, mostly concerning my own life and how i have spent it, of course this blog has been read for information before about the Lolita saga. Needless to say, the saga is long over and this blog can be said to have changed focus. Though it is difficult to truly determine what it is. Events have occurred over the span of keeping this blog up and running. And yes it has been difficult at times, require to be tactful and absolutely careful about the people i write about, the things that i say sometimes insinuate trouble.... Anyway... this post will probably set out the direction and focus of the next 100 posts :D... Well since i have kinda have decided to disregard all values and just shoot as it is. Well i guess that being a confessional sometimes is tiring. I say as I feel or at least try, not in real life though. However in poetry it is so much easier, there is a certain air of freedom and a certain degree of consciousness to say everything that i feel inside. Of course i will finish this post on my traditional note :D with a poem... trust me this will be quite straight because i no longer see the need to hold back my writing from achieving what it can.

Well here goes for the next about a hundred posts of course it will be mostly poetry driven. Even though i will still give updates about the personal life I will cut down a lot more in delving into my own life. More on the poetry less of me. Yes perhaps it is depressing for you but that is the way life will be.

I wanted this post to be mostly a celebration and not one that is just filled with words, but with the mood i am feeling currently there is need to blog and the only thing that i can express is that i am feeling really really down, not as though i am being helped by the rest of the people. Well if showing concern is not even regarded then i guess, there is no need for me to exist and probably you may agree, I am fine with it... we all will die one day and i guess i should die towards you. Goodbye, I have let go, i guess you should too perhaps you have let go for long already.

I cannot write this anymore... the more i write the more i have the desire to just break down. sigh ... what is wrong with me... foolish... just foolish.

This is the only way to end it all ... to imagine this 100th post... the epitome of depression I guess i just think too much.

Clinging on, desperate hope

the feeling, leaving nothing but my own heart

difficult to feel anything, my hands become numb to the pressing of the keys

my fingers all are made of ivory.

My heart dies, the beating pulse of injections and the valves all collapse.

My world, the walls around me no longer exist.

only spinning in the dizzy pleasure of the teary cheek.

I know it is time to let go, time for the end of the ride.

Come child it is time to go.

______________________________

breaks down...