counting down the sunsets.

Today was My cousin's wedding... just a brief update, tomorrow I will be singing on stage, some song ... ain't gonna tell you ! haha yea hopefully i will be able to reach the key that i need to sing at because currently i am suffering STILL from some phlegm and a slight running nose. It is gonna stop i can feel it, But as you know every sickness that plagues me it will be very absolutely ridiculously severe, as in you will be sick for, several weeks running. Not really cool. Anyway apart from that I have 2 more posts before i reach UN CENT!!! it feels awesome that i have kept this blog up for 100 posts ! Life has not really been awesome, my prelims has not been awesome and there are only about 60+ days to A levels. YES YES i have whined about this before and well next week i am meeting a good friends to get it all out of my brain and just to help me push forward. Although I say that this is the last time I will see him but i bet i will ask him to meet me again. heehee... yea we all need friends that will be able to stand by us in difficulty and not make us panic even further.

Anyway not I am listening to christmas music, you may wonder .... huh ? christmas ? isnt that in December ???? yea it is and It is beautiful to listen to :D and then you wonder why we don't listen to it all the time. I know that it is not the season but it is just tooooo swell to not listen to it. Especially the slower ones that are just BEAUTIFUL ! you just sink into the melodious beauty and embrace the perfection for a moment. My favorite is still have your self a merry christmas, any singer can sing it and it is just perfect ! perhaps that is perfection ? Christmas :D which I would not mind ONE BIT ! everyday christmas woot woot. maybe you may think it is so stupid and naive. But i need it all to be happy and keep my bi polar symptoms from showing up. I cant wait, it is not the presents, but it is the happy faces and the lights and oh the atmosphere of cold outside but warm hearts inside just makes me smile :)

anyway in this period of slightly heightened self awareness, I will write a short poem.
I seldom give poems titles but this shall be called... missing you

The crush of my heart
the hawthorn and the snow falls
the beads blanketing us, warm and snug
the lamp is cold outside.
Candles are lit, as the people along the street walk
their umbrellas up, all black and in suits.
Colour my world, with the presents and all the lights
sonnets and the carols, pleasant. floating in the gothic world.

As the warmth comes
the dove flies from its master along with the raven.
roses, I brush them, the old moss covering them.
the sprigs of parsley and mint, they return to the ground
bud and bloom my plant, my sweet
love love love my season.

3 more to hit a hundred...

yea 3 more posts to reach a hundred ... and you must be wondering why i blog nearly 3 times a day... well it is somewhat like medication to me, take three times a day, may cause drowsiness and also in the event that it causes rashes please consult your doctor immediately. :D heehee ...

Just a brief update, on the amazing saga... I have been suffering from worrisome syndrome, where there is really nothing for me to do except worry and do nothing about it. Well it is said that worry not but in everything by prayer and supplication... well i just cant. yea maybe i say a prayer but it does not really stop me from me from worrying. Anyway, this is how it continues, the lady tells me that i have to fax over some stuff which i need to give to them because they need to verify or something that I went for the checkup... Well the BEST thing ... is that i was seen by the nurse that day and so the nurse did not sign the form that required signing cos she said that it is supposed to only be signed by the doc in charge... however that day i could not see the doc cos he is only seen via appointments ... which ...really really does not help me in anyway possible... ARGH ... along with that it is only about 60+ days LEFT TO A LEVELS! And not as though my prelims were really great. So i am worried and really really really crushed and pressured to one side already... It is like being run over by a steam roller. Not fun. 

Anyway... there are other things to be quite pleased about. :D such as having a good friend to help me get polaroid film and be willing to go all out to search for all these stuff that i don't really have time to search for so THANK YOU :D for helping me find cheap polaroid film, well it ain't that cheap, it is about 24 bucks which is about 2.40 per piece. which makes it 60 c cheaper than the usual that i pay. AWESOME ! Along with that ... there is my ukulele which i have bought quite a few weeks ago and it is ROCKING !! beginning to love it more than my guitar even though it costs about 10 times less... 800 buck guit compared to a 80 plus ukulele... you may think it is a waste. yea it kinda is ... that i did not find the ukulele earlier. ah nothing is ever fair, except in love and war... where all is fair. whether you live or die, whether you get her or you don't it is all fair. or so we would like to believe. 

Right I have not been writing much poetry these few days or weeks even,.... this is because i am kinda taking a break from writing for awhile to edit up some of my poems. Currently I am trying to revert back into the older style of poetry whilst keeping the modernist pastiche from Plath and putting it into the sonnet form. Boxing up plath is like trying to maintain somewhat a sense of control over the poem and so i attempt to do that :P 

So i present to you another sonnet. 

Forgetfulness, the planks of wood hammered into the door,

Blotting out the words, bottling the air

Chemical chaos, chemical, chemical, split the word. 

Flat and the world is the empty line with no fill.

everyday simple, dreaming of daisies and straw hats

A single lightbulb lighting up. the clouds begin their stroll. 

Eyes they open

the flowers, all pink, yellow and green as their canvas.

paint up my mask, paint and tattoo deep into my skin 

the light strumming and the ring. 

darken my skin, a black hole that 

leaves no mercy. 

no hope. A hurricane hurling, whirling all blended. 

Drops of water begin to fall, come cool rain. 

Confused ? heehee work this one out yourself.   

Dependence on people

People fail, people will disappoint at times, people are never perfect and can never be perfect. We are a mess of imperfections that try to live our lives, each day at a time. Trying not to be pretentious or perhaps we put up an act everyday and our real selves are not developed, perhaps some of us are still immature, still naive and still completely incompetent at many things. Unable to reciprocate unable to return the favor paid to us. I being me have relied on people tooo much that it becomes nearly a fear that i have to trust people, that it becomes that if a person becomes too friendly toward me I think that the person has an ulterior motive or something like that. And it has become a sort of phobia that i begin to have about people. It may be quite a paranoid thing and maybe even possibly be hyper hyper sensitive towards people and their emotions. And i tend to look at everything, because your lips can say one and your hands can say another. I have lied before and I do know when a person tries to conceal it. Can't you just tell people in the face? I know sometimes it may be just blunt to do so. But at times it is appropriate. Sometimes it is supposed to be good and cause a certain amount of change. Because ALL of us are not perfect and require the words of another to correct our wrongs. If it is a good friend, ALL THE MORE you should correct, yea perhaps you put the friendship at risk but it is a good risk... A risk to tell the truth even when it is extremely painful. You may say that by doing that we are reliant on people and that we need people around us all the time. Well we are around people about 3/4 of the day at least and without that human connection we feel empty. That is why i say that good friends are important, no matter gender, no matter race, religion... it does not really matter. Friends are willing to tell the other the truth when it hurts, when it might sacrifice the relationship but choose to be honest. They stand by you even when you are about to take the plunge. They know your weakness and don't showcase it, they showcase your strengths and protect. Protect especially what is precious to them. They will put aside everything, just to hear you out. Maybe I am just being naive and overly idealistic. But I try to do these things for my friends. I try, even if it will sabotage a relationship, If I don't treat you as a friend I will pretend in front of you and act interested in what you say, giving you pity laughs and smiles that are unreal. So how do you know when i am a friend of yours ? if i keep watching out for you (it may sound creepy) But really If I keep looking out for you no matter what... Like I said earlier, love is easy and relationships well they are a different story. Well words that are cheap as well, concern is a full time investment. Though we know that words are the easy things to say to please and to flatter we still comply and give in to the other person's guilty pleasures. It disgusts me, because the other is not true to the other and between good friends it is just... no, no, no ! To love as a friend is to love as a brother or love as a sister. where they are as close as blood ties. Sometimes blood is not thicker than water. Sometimes blood is bad ... and the water is purer than the blood... It happens... 

Errare est Humanum

Errare est Humanum, To err is human... Well kinda. We all make mistakes, some big some small, but we do not look at size here. All have made mistakes, no matter how swell you are you are bound to trip and fall one day. Yea pessimistic I know. Well I was thinking about it, c'est difficulte to express... how i feel at this current moment. I think i better start from the beginning and perhaps i will be able to come up with something. Aujourd'hui, I was free, today was teacher's day ... the day where all students would show some sort of appreciation to their tutors or teachers. Well it was the day where I saw some people write stuff to teachers that they personally did not like or have any thanks to. I agree that there are some teachers that we all dislike. Well I guess that if you hate a teacher, by writing to him/her and saying all that bull on paper it is worth nothing, cos you are just pretending, AND IT ANNOYS ME !... yea there is a need to thank them and need to appreciate the effort put in, but exaggerating c'est not right ! Anyway, I am still sick and suffering from flu, yea... running nose, cough with phlegm. Disgusting is'nt it. Along with that the army blocked me off from accessing my Letter of Identity, and somehow I am still stuck in the middle and I have really no idea how to do or what to do. So now i have to wait and trust the system... which is not helping because of the different authorities that it has to go through... it will take AGES to finally process it. Quite afraid cos if anything goes wrong there is the Article 33 or something like that where they can fine you or something up to 10 000 and i would not say that i am from a very rich familie... so 10 000 is a really, really unbelievable sum of money. 

Demain I have lecon and the best thing is that it is not classroom, it is in a large lecture hall... where they will rant to us about our papiers which we may not even be getting back demain! Again c'est absurd to tell us the answers but not return us le papier d'examen. Sorry for all le francais (the french) ... because i am learning french and need to practice... as they say practice makes perfect... or in french c'est en forgeant, qu'on devaint forgeant. Right, pressing on... 

I just thought of some ideas whilst doing my walk around ma ville. It is about chaos, where everything that man does causes chaos because we innately are not perfect. the meaning of chaos is where something that relies on the other and it is not given back to, for example like when a light is connected to a battery, the lightbulb lights up and the battery is drained, therefore there is chaos because the battery is not fed by the bulb again. However nature is perhaps the only perfect example of perfect harmony, like a tree, the ground feeds the tree and in return the tree feeds the ground by its leaves falling and decomposing. therefore creating more ground. Thus because both feed each other there is a cycle that goes on. Man, because he is natural, is therefore in perfect harmony, HOWEVER... we are unable to create a totally perfect and harmonious object... Perhaps i am wrong and we have created things that have a harmony. I am ignorant at times.

haha! anyway, i should move on and really go back to what i really wanted to do and stop deviating...I guess the only medium of expression that i am bound to is poetry, So i shall do this as a stream of consciousness... Oh i just remembered... SYLVIA PLATH copies ANNE SEXTON ! really plath has the similar desire of Sexton of being a jew and the electra complex and all that nonsense, coincidentally both committed suicide, both are deranged poets... hah! you make the link. Though i prefere sexton over plath.... Right enough sidetracking... this poem is untitled 2 (I have a previous untitled poem) and it is written as a stream of consciousness, with music in one ear... 

The trees stand at attention 

Backyard empty with the magpie sitting by the old broom.

Cloud the room with the cigarette 

I pace the room, my echo.

Dreaming of sheep, black and white. 

The couch is empty, the red and the plush. 

The bed is empty, the stairs and the cupboard. 

Flowers left out in the rain, the vase is brand new. 

Old, pools of ravens color my lenses. 

Feeding on the restless, feeding on the bread crumbs left outside. 

Old oak, broods over me, the roots deep, the branches shade. 

The red lipstick, kisses from a lover. 

The red and the stab, the black, flat, end. 

Machines turn silent and the final word, signed along the line. 

You may be extremely confused about what the poem means. Well it is about loss... obviously. It is a funeral that is taking place. The oak, a symbol in celtic myth, a doorway to the netherworld. ravens, magpies- both birds that represent death. red is of course - representative of life- blood and black, well needless to explain. Well I hope this poem finds favor in your eyes. Briefly the poem is about loss. See what you may... it is all up to the reader's interpretation. But there is a limit, or as Derrida called it aporia to the interpretation. 

So i bid thee adieu ! and i will be back demain to continue blogging :D happy reading ... 

Philosophy ?

I have several thoughts that i have gained over the years that I have been a human being. 

God, perhaps the most pertinent of issues that man has struggled with, Nitzche had called Gott ist tot ! and of course the most recent... essence before existence. Well... I would like to propose a more religious view. As many have claimed that God is non existent and that we all should believe in the empirical evidence of the new found sciences. I absolutely Abhor such a thing. Personally being a religious person for most of my life, even I have questioned the existence of God. I hav always wondered if God was a feeling or perhaps just a state of mind that we all can get into and out of as we please. That perhaps it is something that we all can just attain and it is a state of heightened awareness. Well I have begun to doubt that idea.. God exists, However it is up to the person that how "big" is his God ... we can close up God completely and of course he would not exist to us, some of us may open up to God so much that it is so real to our everyday. How God is to you is how you see your God. What he is to you is what you see him as ... like if you see him as an evil, if you see him as a provider, if you see him as a dictator. Whatever you see your God as that is what he will be to you.  

Now onto the social strata. They say happy are the poor... sigh another invention of the rich, Well i stole that. And i realized it is true ! that the rich invent stuff to make them remain rich and keep the poor poor... And all talk with no action all the time. This is especially typical of modern society. it is ABSURD! ... I think i will finish this another day ... :D 

Another day another moon another sun...

I am sitting by candle light and computer light if you are interested to know... Reason : to save electricity in the house so that I am able to use the computer excessively... Right on, today was founders day, needless to say which school I am referring to, it is the 147th Founder's day and the best of all we have no bloody clue who are our founders... tsk... to imagine 147 years of celebrating, erm someone that founded the school without event knowing the bloody person. Sigh... so much for value added education ... I received a prize nonetheless for some drama thing that i was never initially involved, firstly because it was not my cca and secondly i just got roped in for fun... And so i got some piece of wood with metal stuck to it and yea, something along those lines. Right pacing on ... I still intend to post up pictures of my notebook though it is getting more tattered and torn day by day...lest it be totally destroyed by the time i am finished with it I would like to keep a somewhat memory of the book that i have kept ....

Right, so what dreary subject am i going to rant about today ? well to tell you the truth I have no real idea. So we will just go according to the flow ... OH OH!!! i should post up my poem ... kk wait ....it is slightly dark but... ah what the hell...

Drown their voices

they are nothing now,only

silent groans to the beating of drums.

engraved memory, excaberated

memory

all scars on my feet, callous.

Difficult to trod onward with blisters.

The eyes of horus

diamond eye,cough and the spit is

blood red

features monstrous tyger like.

Plath like, the gaseous state

the state of God.

immortal like Cain.

The floor has its pikes they plunge deep.

Silver days pass

making hell seem like a fleeting dream.

Everyday is my eternity,

break my bones, hook my flesh. inflict

the rod and whip, my skin the canvas.

Tear, blood

sweaty papers that yellow

post its that insignificant stuck on the wooden panel.

Fridge door and the

reminder, reminding, to remind.

There they are, chiseling my poignant memory

etching away at the stone. the pain and poison

drink it down with gin,

to your health and happiness.

Hallucinations

break apart millions and flee from me

the servant of beelzebub

under my cellar.

Unclean Unclean, the leper limps forward.

Right so what is the poem about ??? well it is up to you :D

My mind is a million fragments now, the Bipolar has finally killed off my mind, the inspiration flows from fits of anger and the anguish that i have. The pain pain pain that everyday i am suffering for a cause that is not worth fighting for. My life is still the mystery that i am still searching out. Many of you would call this teenage angst or perhaps even dismiss it as the mad rantings of a mindless man. But i plead the reader to not dismiss the humble beginnings of this insane artist.

I have never believed in the subduing of a human being, That every human being has not just the rights to live but also the rights to speak up and say what they want to say. HOWEVER in this EXTREMELY timid society. We are just toooo passive to say anything. We are just too comfortable in our 4 to 5 room flats, in our condos and driving to work living the 9-5 job and all that stuff ... WHAT IS WITH THAT ?! Is our society too afraid of stepping beyond the bounds of societal norms. For example in Fashion, Hell... What fashion does Singapore have ? We are just imitators of the fashion world out there. Has Singapore ever created anything uniquely singaporean in the arts ? or hell have we even bothered to ? perhaps we have ... I agree there are certain parts that indeed we Singaporeans have done. But let us take a step back and look. for example, there is a current advertisement that annoys the hell out of me. It is the train advert with gurmit singh and stuff on it ... DO WE REALLY NEED THAT ?! are we as Singaporeans that stupid to not be able to understand that we neeed to give people right of way ? Perhaps sometimes we are, But to descend to such lengths to that advert ... we are sad sad sad... I have given up, I will design a new arts culture, I will add my own flair to this art development and carve my name on the walls of the arts house ...

Anyway ... end of rant... I will do something ...in the heat.

Because i could not remember it all in one post...

This by the way is a follow up on the post just below this :D... This was mainly because i have the incapacity to express all my feelings into a single post. Or more accurately, I was unable to remember all that i needed to rant about in a single post, i guess posting at 5 pm is not very good, brain sleepy. I think my Bi-polar is acting up again, as in I have already read sooo much about it that when it does happen i am able to recognize it immediately, the problem.... i have no idea what to do after that. Today, suffering from mania, meaning sudden highly irritable mood, worst thing, the previous day i was depressed.... sigh... i guess it is becoming more rapid, must control must try to keep myself in control. 

Anyway dragging up my nets again... dragging up the roots that have planted me to where i am. So how have I planned my life to be ? Well here goes, i pray that those who have a faint heart do not continue, I have my life kinda planned out, although I have left loads of room for changes.

here goes. I intend to get out of the house by the time i finish Uni, rent hopefully a 1 room flat, preferably near to an MRT, either that or i would stay over at a friend's place. Of course my that friend is quite rich, i am not afraid to say, but if i am lucky i would stay by his place. Of course i would pay him a small sum every month for living there and using their facilities. And I would work, part time as an English Literature teacher and part time as a poet, artist and just dabbling in different things like sewing and other stuff like that. I doubt i will move out of Singapore but i intend to stay at least 5 years in Paris and another 2 just travelling from there, perhaps finding cheap hotels, maybe even staying over at bars and brothels. Worst comes to worst, sleep at the train station. I have no regard for my own body... It is just a body, and what i will it is my decision. By that time probably i would return to see my mother and father. I probably would have by then lost touch with my brother. But this is one thing that i aim to do... to become an established poet by the age of 30... which is not very far away. That is what i want to do. Mainly to break away from convention. Marriage is not that important to me. Perhaps my brother can carry on the line, i dont really care. Even if i get married I would tell my spouse that it will not be an easy life with me, there will be alot of struggle, half the time there will be a lack of money and mood swings will come often. especially when a poet begins to write. That is kinda what i have currently planned out. 

You may say i am mad. And i agree, I am insane...  BUT there is just a part of me that needs to break from the convention.... Like i learn french to annoy my mother, to not be able to be understood is just perfect, like i am understood half the time.......   

Right, now i have to drag up my long history, I have been beaten, I have been thrown out when afraid, I have been shoved religion down my throat, I have been disallowed any choice of what i want to do in life, I have been dictated and ruled over all my life... and guess what was their excuse ? I love you ... WHAT ?! seriously... love ? I cannot feel the affection, what abandonment is the new love ?!  hah! nonsense. Anyway what i have desired as a life is not in anyway conventional, it will break rules and stretch the bounds of society but i guess we all want to live our lives differently don't we ? I seriously hate 9-5, it will kill me.   

Back where i began... the errors of the past ...

Right on.... So i finally realized what has been so wrong with my life and all the amounting mistakes that have finally plagued my life ... BUT before that i must explain the trigger for this recollection and sudden epiphany that struck me yesternight. Surprise surprise it was a movie ... coco avant chanel... mais in proper anglaise it is coco before chanel. So briefly the movie was talking about the life of coco chanel before she became popular and started to franchise greater into fashion for French women. Obviously she was stared at at parties, stared and nearly jaw dropping at occasions where she was in front of people. Of course she did not dress as convention told her to. Which is quite similar thinking about it, wearing really odd clothing out to school events and for different occasions. Anyway, that was not the crux of the matter. The crux was that she was brought up in a nunnery and later became really wild... so that got me thinking... nunnery really controlled lead to a wild child in a tavern .... hmmmmm.......

I personally have been brought up in a mildly controlled household, there is freedom yes i agree and perhaps some room for reasoning... However what was greatly repressed was perhaps..well you guessed it sex.... and you must be thinking ...oh sex again sigh ... no no i will not delve into the long story again and again about the sex thing... it is slightly overstated. Yea I have been sexually repressed for what... 14 years i think. Yea like from young kissing scenes were blocked from my curious eyes. Even small acts of hugging between men and women I was forbidden to see. Needless to say obviously scenes of intimacy were completely censored from my knowledge. Even the mention of sex or even the mention of boy girl relations were considered unfit for my hearing and i would be locked away and told to go play or something else... And the final blow to it all, put into a all boys school, where there would be absolutely no possible way that i could EVER know about what ever they were trying to block my mind to... Sigh

Apparently that caused your truly to grow up sexually repressed and perhaps wanting to know ? i really dont know, but there was much confusion and at the same time there was this need to break away from family and take up my own stride. To be nothing like them even though we may look similar but there was no way i was going to be like them. So i changed the manner of my speech, changed my fashion sense, changed anything and nearly everything that could possibly tie me down to my family. I guess when you tie down a child for too long he is bound to strike back in his own way. So you may wonder what the hell does this have to do with the sexual repression part... well i guess me being me I have taken up my own views on it, if you want to know read my sex post... it is somewhere below... Also anything that my mother calls fashion NOW i realize is conventional fashion, Ed Hardy, Von Dutch and all the others... After being deprived for soooo long of self choice, EVEN TODAY my mother will still interfere with what i wear CAN YOU BELIEVE IT ?! IT IS ABSURD... so the only way is to break away, create what i call my own and establish self independence... you may think i am crasi. You may even say that what i wear is totally ridiculous, I guess beauty is seen by the beholder. I have decided no more will you decide for me what is right and what is wrong... I will decide and be firm about it. Even if it means getting myself into deep waters and even if it means to experiment and undergo great torture and pain, I will still do it because I am my own. Independent nation.

Right now all I can do is just prepare and get ready for flight, get ready, I am sick of sitting around and not doing much, Got to be something someone someday ... :D MERDEKA!

my 90th post... i really cant believe it :D

heehee *smirks to self* this is my 90th post :D Yea i know... what is to be so pleased about? well really nothing :P it is just a sense of great accomplishment. So I am getting a certificate of appreciation from my school. (when i say my school, i mean only ONE school... Up and On... my heart belongs there). Recently I have been thinking alot (not as though i don't think everyday) and have been thinking of the people that go through and fro from my life. The different things passing and changing according to my life. 18 years on this planet and I still have not really learnt much. As compared to the previous years, I think i have really changed alot this year, too much has happened and too much has passed away. I guess people say that 18 is the turning point. Yea it is... 3 months exact into my 18th year and so much has changed since then. Oh well no good saying all this... I will just tell you all, as it comes to me.

Well It has never felt like this before, there is just something missing from my life. Perhaps it is a sense of satisfaction in the things that i can do. Yea i know that there are people in Africa who would kill for anything that i have. But there is just something that is missing, My guess is that it is a person, a person missing. Sometimes it feels like i am bearing the entire weight of the world. The different problems that my friends have, and the world that they have it is sometimes something that i envy. Like the ease that they manage to gain friends. Personally I only gain a friend if I feel like i will be able to know this person for life and really really long, not just during the time that i am in a place. I was looking through the address book that i have and looked through the different names like Xavier, Joel, Shawn, Keith. All these friends I don't know if they remember me but I can still remember that I really thought we all would remain great friends till the end of time, I guess not. We all fear to fall, falling is perhaps our greatest fear, that the desire to be found again. But when we meet, it won't feel like home, It will just be another face, another place, another hi, goodbye, and the mild muttering of pleasantries. The phrase "forever friends" hah! really?

Oh how did i get to that? right... pressing on. I have known my best brother for about 8 years and yea I would still like to admit that there is still a bit of distance from me and him. (hey don't get mad ok...). Friends tell the truth and they don't want you to fall. Perhaps it is also difficult for me to admit such things. It seriously pains me. Even this year when I got to know a retainee from my school. Tell you what we hit it off right away, and it was really smooth sailing, really pleasant, and then i thought hmmmm maybe she could be a really good friend to last the life. But within months, I would have to say that it shattered. Yea we are still friends but there is a mile between the two of us, there is just the occasional talk and the occasional hey and pleasantries. I guess we all have really different lives. Well i always say that relationships are difficult. I don't desire much of a friend, just need to have a heart, a soul. Not to be overly cheery not overly moody (though it helps sometimes). I just need a friend that can pick me up in tough times, to be there when i need them, Of course i will be there when they need me :D to tell me the truth even if it hurts ( I will always patch up with you ). This I definitely have to thank Miss crasi beautiful, for being honest with me, for telling me what i don't see, yea it was wrong for me to get mad but you were right thanks.

Yea maybe I have a really overly idealistic view on the people around me... But are people really that superficial? I have tried to never make a friend if I know that it will end after a few conversations. No really I really try not to give any mixed signals that I am accepting the outstretched hand. I will be polite and act as though i am partially interested in your conversation, I will laugh at cue, and I will act according to the mood portrayed. (yea I act good)... But i really hate it !!! It makes me superficial and i have real dislike for it!

Another thing, is that i only feel at ease with certain people, not everyone. Some make me tense, some they say so much to me and all i can think of is,,, oh is it ? really ? and the other fillers. But being around people that i like, my brain suddenly has the words to reply every time. Even after 8 years my friend and I, we have nearly the ability to read what the other is about to say, and still we talk loads (we would probably go on and on till the next morning). This is the type of friend that i desire, A person that will just stay up till the other has to go or is completely dead...I guess we all would love that eh? hah! talking about friendship, I have great emotional attachment to everyone of my friends, their struggle is my struggle... Yea i know it is not right and it is some people call it being nosey, But I believe that is what friends do... they will stretch it out with you, they will be with you through it all. LIke when my friends are struggling or perhaps they are going through a bad patch, the only thing that i can think of is them, how they are doing, and whisper a short prayer for them and stuff like that... I guess i am too emotionally attached to people, but I love it, because i love my people.

The oddest thing is that when I myself am going through a rough patch, I will send out large amounts of messages to encourage, to show concern to other people rather than myself. And during that period, every thank you is like a beautiful message to me. Yea, self centered i guess... But i have decided to press on, to forgo the things that people once said, change and press on....

I guess that is what I could come up with :D so take care you all... :P it is easier to say, but harder to feel...

medicine for the heart, it stings... may cause drowsiness. Take everyday...

so here goes, some medication for my heart, because it is feeling heavy and quite bogged down by toooo many things.
Like exams, and just really there is so much on my mind right now that if you were to unfurl it, it might be able to fill all the books on the planet. And so what have i decided to talk about ? sex :D

haha!!! it is considered nearly taboo in the society that i am living in today, hell everyday . Like that day i was talking about it to a friend on the train, just a brief conversation on sex and stuff and people were staring as though it was a weird topic... and perhaps ready to stone us or something. Anyway, sex is overstated. nuff said. Sex is just in out in out, to the regular people. They say in Singapore, people don't enjoy sex. Well why ?! Sex is, well to use the cliche : sex is beautiful... it is not just mindless motion, ok maybe perhaps sometimes it is just the ridiculous motion. But it is the joining of two people, well to the divine people they call it something ...uhm... spirit to spirit or something like that. Well they say that it is not just the joining of the two bodies but also the joining of the two spirit soul and body... well there is little i can say.

Anyway back onto sex. So why is society frowning on the thing that it needs the most ? shy ? i guess so. so to quote the black eyed peas ... " where is the love ? " i really dont see it and when it shows up it is frowned upon. For example to enter into a sex shop in Singapore is a shameful thing to do... WHY ?! some people need to masturbate, to quell their sex drive... or perhaps for pleasure... like buying a dildo or a vibrator is like purchasing heroin. IT IS NOT SHAMEFUL! some couples role play or perhaps they have sex in the open as in not covered under the blankets. WHAT IS TO BE ASHAMED ABOUT THE HUMAN BODY.

no really... ok i cannot stand it :P go to the mirror and strip ! seriously look at your entire body in the mirror. stare at it ! there is nothing shameful. it is your body, you cant change it you just have to accept it. nothing is shameful in sex. people have some fetishes like feet, s&m, stockings, nurses, teachers... the list goes on. personally... i have some fetishes of my own. Please i have nothing to be ashamed about... i would willingly post it up here... fine why not... feet, teachers, i think solos ? yea anyway... there is nothing to be ashamed about. I am what I am. At least i am not shamed bout my sex.

So what is so special about sex ? well i guess it is the pleasure, it is the fun being in the same bed, ok maybe the same place as a person you love sooooo intimately. For some it is about the body movements. For some it is about having the adventure. Well no matter what it is. I still stand by my belief that one spouse, one lover, till death. Yea perhaps that is old school to you, but it is meaningful to me.... love is important, but sex as well...it must be enjoyable, must have passion and of couse must be trained up for :P... yes sex requires training. i wont go into the details, cos you need to think ! what fetish the other partner has well i guess fufill or break it is the only thing you can do :P heeehee... only one thing to say : go forth and multiply with PASSION ! XD

it is midnight already ?

Yea Surprise !!! it is 1232 in the morning and i am still up. Well I have been up all the time around this unbelievable hour. I have been alive at this unearthly hours nearly everyday... and why ??? because of ... EDUCATION ! hah... i dont intend to slime education because it has been a help to me though it does make hell but it gives us someone or something to hate. 

just killed a cockroach in my room... of course we all have to think of ways to do things so the most optimum... soap spray, newspaper and of course my favorite... while the bugger is struggling through the soap, as it irritates the bugger... put a tissue over him and light it up! woot...flambe :D guarantee that it will be one very dead cockroach :P 

I guess living near the rubbish dump has its liabilities... killing them not fun... cos you begin to wonder ... what if i sleep........ eurgh... it is not the fear it is more to the ... yucks ! smash ! spray... and burn baby burn :D 

hah anyway i have been having a dreadful spree of inspiration that i intend to break... the darkness and the inspiration that have has been bred on the ill of humanity... sigh it inspires me and brings my poetry to a great height but sometimes it gets annoying to be depressed all the time .... therefore I shall think of how to change my inspiration. Even now i am still feeding the dark poems... my inspiration is from Lilith now... IT IS ANNOYING!

to the two of you :D

This is not written by me :D this is a song by Joshua Radin, it is an awesome song that i want to just dedicate to your joyous marriage that is fast approaching :D
it is called: today

the link is below-

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RbXTIb3J1Qc

Shoelaces untied
You can dry your eyes
Perfect shadows alive
Behind us
This is the day i make you mine

The way your hair lies
Sometimes unrecognized
All the way from these today
On a train
Nothing to say if there's still time

But you are the one
I've been wating for today
And here comes the sun
That's been baiting on today

Lately i've lost my tongue
Today you found the sun
I know not long has grown
Well i thank god u came along

But you are the one
I've been waitng for today
And here comes the sun
That's been baiting on today

You looked right through me
When there was no one else
I am Side beside you and became myself
Today... today

imagine a better world

there are just sometimes that we need to sit back and contemplate. To not care what the rest of the world thinks even though you very well know what they are about to say. And sometimes the world is just totally absurd. Like today i was stopped at the gate of the school just because i decided that i would wear PE uniform to school rather than that piece of crap (polo tee) because it is bloody warm and it just is not practical to wear the polo tee. But thank you... they had to tell us to get out , and even come up with rationale why we should go away. As if that was not enough they had to remind us of what they said and of course lie about the claim that this has always been their stand. WHAT THE HELL!!! I have always worn that for a study leave to return to school. IT IS ABSURD! TOTALLY ABSURD! there is NO RATIONALE behind it. erm excuse me if it was for SECURITY reasons as you blatantly claim is it not obvious that it bears the school badge. Oh wait maybe it is too small... maybe because it is smaller than that of the polo tee. Oh wait i know, maybe you ARE BLOODY ANAL! bloody hell... as if that was not enough, they had to complain against wearing shoes, flats. SERIOUSLY WHAT ON EARTH!!!! what is wrong about wearing proper dress shoes?! hmmm maybe because it actually goes with a SHIRT AND PANTS ?! if you gibbering clowns did not realize ... shirt and pants goes with shoes... SHOES !!! ordinary shoes I BELIEVE THAT THE SCHOOL RULES HAS NO RULE AGAINST THAT !!! it is only against brightly coloured shoes . apparently dress shoes come in black and Brown which... if you did not study art i will tell you that it is a DULL colour... bloody ass holes ! Wait so if i had come naked top you would have allowed me into school? cos i believe that i am wearing school pants... and there is no rule against coming in naked top... WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TO ?! there is no rationale and there is no proper reasoning, even if has been mentioned... it DOES NOT MAKE SENSE ! is this is the Singaporean society > ... TOTALLY INFLEXIBLE.... is this our civil service ?! and we call ourselves SRJCians with character imagination and values... well there is no value in being anal is there... nor can you have imagination if you are so bloody inflexible... wait and character... hell with it ... A levels matter more. the world wants to see paper not people. So this is a message to the ultra ANAL and totally inflexible discipline committe if you see this... BLOODY GO CLIMB A TREE...maybe the falling might knock some sense into you!!!

Now ...onto less annoying stuff... :D

Poetry... I have really thought this poem through... If i am not wrong i thought these 2 poems over the 10th of august and 12th of august

Lenses the eyes do not see
clearly clear
the icy waters off the
cold Artic

Enterprises of the mind
they all are useless
working the cogs

and gears
this mad meandering world
weakness and majestic

Operationally dysfunctional
closure and my mind is only a blank

sheets of paper notes and pamphlets dropped from the
humming sounds
above...

bombs drop from the blue
turning the scene white.

Ash Ash my skin is melted
torn away. made asunder
the white napalm. holes bored into by
gaping body.

A green A red.
Dies irae Dies illa
Washington at the helm

paint of my flesh
masquerading dances
that don't make sense

All blurred a conflagration
don't wake the sleeping dogs
they are boxed up. lined up

proper and neat
covered with paper
fires and smoke
dampen the green with rain.

My tomorrows are wasted
a drunk soliloquy
a band of musicians

The music abhors me

Poppies fall from the autumn
opium smokes
all static in their place

All centered.


So what is this poem about... (i decided to write this because so many people are so confused...) So this poem is about the modern world, the follies of man, and at the helm is USA. Yea it is kinda a blame game. But man has become a blank paper just going through life. purposeless and just going on and on. delving further into a robotic nature. that everything that we do apparently for pleasure is just a smoke screen, an opium that numbs the pain of the modern world. but everyday seems like a waste where we just dance to the tune of society. And we are unable to see clearly now because all we have is work work work... and it blinds us to simpler things and we may not even know the day of reckoning is at hand because we are busy, drunk, with the self and what the self can achieve through work. I hope it helps...

To my Jie

poems that i can just come up with at a whim. 

This is kinda like a thing that i am experimenting with, where people say poems out in random verses, the poetry doesnt have to make sense at first but eventually the topic will be clear. It is like dropping a blot of ink onto a piece of paper. It begins as only one large blot at first, then it spreads and whatever happens next is just up to the blot of ink. So it is kinda like the mind chooses what the eyes choose to see. Whatever is written on the paper is like a dance, expressionistic and not so much of achieving a goal in mind, it is a photograph of expression. So that is my current experimentation Expression on paper. 

now to deviate... i have sudden inspiration...to write this poem is dedicated to my jie... 

The sweet of life, 

the bitter. A few months old, 

only a child. 

Eating is difficult

yet she is patient, slowly, slowly. 

Not a mother, a shelter hide me. 

Under her wings i sit, 

shelter me from the rain

tears down her back. Brazen, strong to the elemental 

turmoil. 

teacher, one that i follow after, 

like a child after his mother. 

Not a mother. 

leaving is painful to me 

as she goes on, the kiss that i did not return 

only to find this lasts 

for a summer. 

This may be a bit weird perhaps impersonal you may think but, i hope it is something.... Dear jie, there is little i can say. this is all i have to say to you: I love you, from the beginning of the day till the evening shadows. I love you as much as the height of the sky to the depths of the ocean floor. I love you just the way you are, even though you say you are full of flaws, yet all i can see is this crazy beautiful girl. You are the sweet part of my school life, that chocolate coating over all the cake. Without you, it would be plain and totally uninteresting. All i can say is a big thank you. 

just read the last paragraph .

there comes a point in time where people are just extras in the world. And you are just thrown into the limelight, and you really hate it at times. Yea this sounds like another emo rant. Please bear with it... 

So what am i about to talk about ?... hmmm  how about what human life is. 

Like what shakespeare had said, all the worlds a stage and all the men and women merely actors they have their entrances and exits and in their life they play many parts. really ? I doubt. That is too idealized a view... men and women are what they are from the very day they were born, they create their own entrances and exits, and in life you can sometimes search for that one thing for the rest of your life. People create their own future (like you needed to be told). But what we do, everyday affects us, it imprints us with future choices. It is only a repetitive cycle all of it, education, work, day in day out... They call this preparing for retirement... REALLY WAKE UP! what is working all day going to bring you ? there needs to be spice in your life, doing things that the world would find absurd and ridiculous, doing things that are just totally not productive like reading books such as the communist manifesto or perhaps reciting random verses of Geoffery chaucer in middle english. Like painting a mural or writing emotional poetry. But no, we would rather rest at a pub, entertaining friends and drinking, or perhaps read how we should manage our time. Hanging out with friends talking out stuff is dead important to me, don't get me wrong but sometimes they just get in the way of things you want to do. 

I am being called self centered that i desire the world to be what I want it to be ... which is not wrong, what is wrong about a world that I would love everyone to be what i want them to be. I have ideals you have ideals too, just don't impose them on others. Judgement is highly important, without judgement everything will be in chaos, we are all bred with a different sense of judgement some more liberal than others but all with the same innate value system (i mean most sane people).

Really people need to kick back, we are just at times so busy at doing things that we forget who we are and lose our center. Like the bible said, what is the use of gaining the whole world and lose our soul? (paraphrased). There needs to be time where you can just kick back and relax, just be human again and do something crazy! life is not worth it to be wasted, yea our choices affect our future, i dont mean go streaking in public or something really really out of the bounds nor does it mean sit back on your couch to watch tele (though trying to finish the entire series of friends the entire day is considered crazy). what i mean is to Stretch the bounds of society, perhaps wear weird clothing to go shopping, perhaps eat turkish food, make unleavened bread from scratch, learn and use latin for the entire day. It is up to you. So this is the message i am promoting, to do something Crazy everyday. Ya maybe sometimes i am a hypocrite cos i am quite conservative at times. So relax people... life is more than 9-5... more than shopping and feeding consumerism... it is more than sitting in front of the computer blogging hahaaha!!!! it is all about IMMORTALITY  and HAVING FUN ! immortality in leaving a part of yourself behind, for the world to remember you by. Having fun in a really wicked way! 

Right... i have stopped ranting... 

now onto something that i believe people want to read... I believe that my poetry is often confusing or perhaps it is too complex... but in all actuality... it is rather simple. Firstly, question the way you read the poem, my advise... to really understand it read it out loud. follow the punctuation and it may make more sense than on paper. next, the poems often are quite depressing and mostly confessional, I was going through a difficult time... so here is the context in which i was writing : I was going through my stuff on my table, and trying to pack it and because it is really messy- reason for the really incoherent sentences. I had a argument with a friend and therefore i decided to use death to symbolize the silence between us both and the killing a part of me inside. Also because of this i have regarded things as useless, and not worthy, as a means of expressing how much this friendship means to me and what is happening to me internally. Most of my poetry follows a modernist stylistic, difficult to follow and hardly making sense. Currently i am trying to create a new form of poetry that is different from others so it may make the poems more confusing and more absurd... most are experiments. So i greatly require CRITICISM ! PLEASE I BEG OF YOU JUST SAY WHAT YOU FEEL TO ME ABOUT WHAT I WRITE... and don't flatter me... if you hate it just say (i may not listen to you though haha!) BUT SERIOUSLY COMMENT ON MY POETRY BECAUSE I NEED THE CRITICISM. NOT FOR POPULARITY BUT WAYS TO IMPROVE AS WELL BECAUSE IT IS AN EXPERIMENT OF POETIC FORMS. 

if you bothered to read through i thank you :D