Merry Christmas Eve

yea yea i know i have been writing quite a tad bit of highly destructive poetry, so to compensate, I will have this poem grant a bit of hope for this Christmas season. So what is really so fun about Chirstmas, I mean the day still looks like every other day, the sun still rises, the moon still comes up at night. There are no fancy things falling from the sky, nor does Santa Clause climb down the drainage piping of our HDB flats to deliver us presents, even though he would have a really hard time squeezing through window grilles. Yea it is just your ordinary day. Really, that is if you want to be a scrooge! I know Christmas has just been another merchandising project to sell more and keep sales up, but then we would just be missing the whole point of Christmas.

The season to love, not that we don't love everyday, but rather I feel Christmas is a season where we all just take extra effort to be nice, take extra effort to prepare gifts and really to love those people that are close to us. Yea i know its cliche, but I would like to propose this, that we love those that we have not loved in a long while. Where perhaps our father's or even mother's anyone really have done things to make us really ticked off with them or perhaps it is someone that you just cant forgive for doing something against you. I propose we release them this Christmas, and love them. For all of us are definitely bound to love the ones that love us back but how about those who don't, or did not love you, where is the reward in loving those that love you? So i ask that you love those who perhaps you have not really loved in quite a bit or did wrong to you. Yea, do something special this Christmas cos nothing much is gonna happen naturally apart from snow (WHICH WILL BE AMAZING BTW) So if Christmas is not special make it special for yourself!

So here is the poem:

The gnomes work throughout the winter.
They plough, and do my gardening in the winter.
I hope Santa bring them presents.
All seven of them in my keep,
this fortress of solitude where it is quiet.

Only for the crackling of wood on the fire
he whistling of the wind outside.
The sound of trees, with their fur coats on brushing off
the snow.

There the endless days alone,
the minutes sitting in this suede armchair.
Outside the gnomes are tending to my little loves,
herbs, and small trees

they are overgrown with weeds.
The house is in shambles, the fire place is cold as snow,
the trees are burnt and charred black
they stand like ancient African tribal art on display.

Suede is torn, frayed, knitted wool.
All is wrecked, nothing is left.
Only the clock ticking in the left corner.
There, the hands still moving
the sound of hope, sounding, sounding.
Like a metronome, like the beating of my heart.

Looking through the frosted window,
the gnomes are out there
their faces frozen.
I should bring them in, they look cold.
______________________________________

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVE!!!

I have been listening to poetry and recently I came across a reading by Anne Waldman and Allen Ginsberg, both GENIUS American poets. Ginberg is of course famous for Howl and is my current DP, cos I feel his poems carry the sick desires and the truly displays the obscene as art. Truly inspiring, showing what man really is in the time of the beatniks. Anyway here is a poem entitled:

Bathroom Reflections

Who are you?
With my face, my nose,
my lips and globe eyes that roll back into my head,
with my feet and calves,
toes and thighs that
are stuck with black needles poking from underneath the skin.
With my neck, and bent shoulders like hinges on the door,
with my arms and badly bitten finger nailed hands,
resembling a discoloured manicure.
who are you that is I?

The bathroom steam fogs up the image,
now you are only a ghost from my past, another Scrooge.
The vague outline with the orange toilet light
glossing over your (my) body.

Then you are gone.

The cloud of white mist
taking you away like they did to Jesus up into heaven.
Only a whisper,a small light bulb
that flickers and the filament
burns up in a second.

Followed by darkness,
darkness and the Great darkness.
Opening my eyes I see darkness, hands grope the darkness
feet trod on the empty dark tiles reflecting the darkness
that can be smelt and a dark taste in my mouth.
Darkness and shadows, all I see is the the dark of light,
the shadow, covered in darkness.
My own shadow darkened by the other shadows
that are also darkening in dark room where there is nothing
but darkness left in the dark bathroom.
__________________________________________________________________

I think I picked up something from Anne Waldman, she is quite a clever poet. Most of the modernists are geniuses...but Anne Sexton is still AWESOME ... hmm come to think of it poet that i like have Anne in their names...


___________Words_____________

I used words to make a house.
Using adverbs, verbs, adjectives
grammatical jargon and vocabulary
all verbose and stately.

I used sentences to create a city.
Filled with lines, and dots
stopping, starting, shouting, questioning,
the incomprehensible dialogue along the street.

I made the nation out of paragraphs.
Constitution after constitution,
law after law. Each separated by spaces.
Those arias in the court house and in the Capitol.

I used a book to create a world.
A world where things are imagined,
with thousands of sub plots and millions of errors..
It eventually came to an end.

I created I.

6 billion images of God,
trailing the streets.

6 billion images of God,
eating, starving,
living, dying,
dancing, sleeping.

6 billion images of God,
talking, muted,
murdering, murdered
walking, limping with one leg
blown away by the bombs.
(apparently God was not as immortal as he believed.)

6 billion images of God,
5 million images of God,
4 thousand images of God,
3 hundred images of God,
20 images of God,
1 God, 1 image.

Nothing.
I used words to re-create the world.
_______________________________________________________________________

Love

I got inspired to write about this after being down and out for quite a few days and now i really need an output and I guess writing is my output. Ok here goes, i have no idea what is within my own sub conscious but anything that comes to mind I will just put down, kinda like automatic writing, freaky eh? But i think it is also psychological kinda like free association when interpreting dreams, I guess feelings are also from the same neurosis so free association still works... somehow hah!!!

I watched two movies yesterday, Gomorrah and Ne te retourne pas. Both are not too bad considering what is out in the market... newmoon ... haiz and I think it was in Turkey that it kinda struck me that why do people always search for the next fantasy, the next adventure? I felt that it was because sometimes our lives are so empty that we need to fill it with something imaginary and something that we can follow, like a cult of sorts. We have become deluded with something that no longer exists in our psyche and we just need to fill it up with imagination.

Then it came to mind, wait we are going crazy over vampires and mythological characters. It was then I realized that perhaps it is all part of our collective psyche. We all love to watch movies cos it is like our modern amphitheatre, where things were being acted out and it managed to feed the interest of the people. The plays mainly explained why the world worked and how the various parts of the world function, due to gods or demigods etc. It was all to just entertain and yet understand morals and values.
Perhaps our psyche always desired to know why things happened and I guess werewolves and vampires are not people we commonly meet unless you are a unique individual. Nonetheless these movies give us a sense that control is not ours at times and that we can believe in a world greater and more "magical" than ours. Which got me thinking again, wait ... why are we deluding ourselves all the time, believing in a world that does not exist. Dreaming and Aspiring for better things ahead, it just proves that human nature is not suicidal in nature though we are headed for death since birth, it is just like the greeks that believed in the Elysian fields where people prospered, perhaps we are just trying to get a semblance of heaven on earth. (sorry my thoughts are just flowing and there is not much time to worry bout grammar or punctuation)

Heaven on Earth, what we want? I really don't know... Then I came to thinking about love and relationships. I was sitting on the MRT, in a rather stalkerish like fashion I was observing various couples, lucky me there were a few couples. Almost all of different age, which got me thinking... what are the relationships that we all have, i mean boy girl relations. Like at different age we want different things of our "soul mate". For example, when we are around late primary 6 to early part of secondary school we just want a girlfriend cos we just want one, we usually don't understand what having a girlfriend entails but it is just cool to us. Then when there is heartbreak, we usually don't understand or we just think the other is an idiot to us. Well we like to believe that it is the other's fault, but it helps us grow.

Then we reach the age, upper secondary school, usually we still have no bloody clue why we want to get into a relationship but we just do it cos other people have girlfriends. At the same time girls may want someone to humour them, to see the beauty in them and it mainly focuses on the girl. (this is all hypothetical) but yea it kinda does. The boy just tries his best and have a good time with her, she is at most a friend that you hang out with most of the time someone that you are good friends with, you often tell her some secrets and when there is heart break then it is sometimes a bit harder to let go. But we do anyway and believe that perhaps she was not the one for me. Still we sometimes cling on to that semblance especially if it was a good relationship.

Surprise, Junior College, it is as though i have not observed this enough haha!!! ... This is a period where we try to make relationships work. This is a period of time where we try to be mature, kinda like kids acting like their dad and mum, i mean play-acting if you come to think of it. It is where we dress up nicely, or we try, and go out for fancy dinner and just talk. Often the relationship is deeper and there are periodic fights. It is all a process... Needless to say we are just trying our first child steps with a relationships. It can develop further if the two survive together without ripping each others faces off...

And then After JC... Well i have not reached that point of life but through observation, we are trying to love this person, and we realize love is not like on the telly. It is not what we hear on our ipods it is just a feeling of a match to someone you can trust with all you heart. Yet, sometimes we trip up, if we trip up badly then it does not work out but most of the time if it gets to this point usually we know each other's quirks and can accept them. Well I guess that's how relationships change over time...

I am no expert but sometimes in a relationship, we just have to put on our rose tinted glasses, and love the person for who he/she is and look past the mistakes, and look past the wrong, then it can work out.

sigh... haha!!!

Yes i know I have not been blogging here recently and I do apologise for a long wait. So here is the posts that i have posted elsewhere and finally decided to move it here to my main blog site.

When we are sad, we smile
to tell people that we are fine.
When we are happy inside, we act sober
to pretend to the rest of the world that we are going through storms.
What is man, who is this one i see,
that pretends to be, something he is not.
____________________________________

The sky is draped in mourning garments.
No more the coloured castles in the sky.
They are only lies that my mother told me:
the Earth will always be dry and I could
go out and play.

But today is no such day,
the puddles and raindrops are large.
Reflecting in them are the many coloured lights of
people's windows. They fall, purple, orange, blue
white. A kaleidoscope of colours painted on the pavement.

I sit there by the window
watching the rain patter and turn to snow.
_______________________________________________________

Mother, i wish I could keep you forever.
So i will cut you up and take out your innards,
stuffing you with cotton and keep you as a soft toy in my house of toys.

I have seen her die,
on that iron bed, plugged into the sockets
bags of water, electronic systems, wires wires wires.

Visiting hours are over,
I exited the room, I am as I am
unchanged,

the patient still remains on the iron bed.
I am free.
_________________________________________________

you knew it was coming :P

... Ok this is an erotica... really, it just came to mind to write it all down so i did as i wanted to. So please if you are not mature enough (that means so many things) don't read it, but i know you will anyway... I support the idea that sex is not evil and that we all just have to be mature about it simple as that. I was in the shower that evening, just returning from work. It had been a dreadful day, the new manuscript that i had just vetted had been rejected by the senior management, and i had that lecherous worm, Ignus stalk me round the office. It was hellish, but the water that cascaded from from the spout seemed to wash all that trouble away. It was then that you walked in, you had also just finished work. You opened the door of the bathroom, leaving it slightly ajar, I fumbled and opened the shower curtain. curiously looking, before going back to my shower. The bathtub beneath me had begun to fill up with water and the sound of water drowned out the sound of clothing outside the bathroom. The door opened again this time i had little chance to pull back the shower curtain, before you too got into the tub standing before me, naked. I drew back, my back facing the shower head as the water now began to cascade down my back, little drops dotted over my skin which was beginning to blush. You just stood there, staring to my eyes, gave me a kiss. I staggered back, there was little space in the bath, and my back soon was pressed against the cold wall. My hand reached down only to reach a bar of soap left by the side of the bathtub. It was smooth but firm in my hand. You still standing there, reaching for me, I pushed you back. "how was your day at work?" I asked coyly as I began to take the soap and run it down your front. "It was ..." i slightly grazed his nipples and he flinched slightly. "yes ?" I continued, now scrubbing his torso, his abs that showed he had been working out quite a bit. Bending down, i began to massage his calves and rub his thighs clean just avoiding the thing you desired most. "Tiring" He managed to say as he guided my hand near but I pulled away. My face was now in line with the hungry erection leaping before me. My pulse quickened, and it pained me to not satisfy my own womanly lust. But I wanted you, full of lust for me, wanting nothing but to obey your carnal instinct to fuck me. I looked up, you still stood over me, like a master over his slave, but it was not to be so. I lightly grazed the back of my hand along the line of your cock and you moaned softly. The water was now a shower down on you and i began to use my tongue to lick up the inside of your thigh, licking up the water that fell from your body. Standing up, I pushed you against the wall. You looked in my eyes, A mixed sense of passion and fear crossed your eyes. Giving a slightly teasing looks, I ran my finger up his spine and reaching his neck, I stood on his feet, breast to breast, and finally giving him a long embrace. We exchanged a long kiss, tongues darting back and forth. Then I bit his lip, drawing blood to the area. The air suddenly turning animalistic and wild. Drawing back, he groaned as his wet cock slipped from my thighs wet with my juices.

just a rant. and a SHOUT OUT

Yea i know i have not blogged in quite a while... well wait lemme put on some music first ... ok good. Yea here begins my rant, about things in no particular order.

Currently I am feeling the weight of A levels, well it is coming in the next 2 weeks and of course it is kinda important, even though I want to be a florist :P which really kinda intrigued me, why do people need degrees ? yea i know it is for the sake of money and material and yada yada... but how about a PhD florist ? bet you never heard of that ! well i hope i become the first to do that , you may think it is really really stupid, but to me it makes perfect sense, i can write poems when I want to surrounded by greenery and at the same time beautify the rest of the world with flowers. It is kinda like a dual income thing, where money from poems and money from flowers. Yes of course i will charge people that i know at a lower price, not free but enough to make some profit at least. I don't think I will get a really expensive space, but big enough to walk about. Before being a florist I will try my hand at teaching :P I don't really know what i was thinking but i applied myself up for the teaching internship with MOE to teach primary school students for about a month. I guess, teaching them will definitely be more challenging as compared to JC students, i may be wrong, we shall see.

To be fair to the principal of the school that i am currently in I shall be more, objective, though i greatly desire to use certain words ... i shall prevent myself from doing so... I shall approach this tactfully. I believe that this matter has to be voiced not because i have a disdain for him but rather, i do wish that he had a tad bit more tact and skill in his speech and not constantly remind us that we are at the bottom end of the JC spectrum. Yes i know that we are there in the gutter, but to constantly be reminded about it rather than focus on where we can be is being slightly careless. Along with that, I can understand that he did make improvements to the school, and yes it is difficult to build up the school from where it has been but the way that he puts it out to us it is just ... i guess unpleasant toward me. Perhaps what is meat to one, another might find it repulsive. I was not at graduation day, but it has come to my hearing that he made several comments that were rather pushing the edge, and well, if one were to criticize his own staff, it ought to be in private rather than out loud on stage. Correction indoors, commendation make public. It has truly become a dread listening to the principal speak because you know that he is going to put us down, by repeating himself, about the few of us that will actually make it to the uni, so i guess if he is more tactful perhaps he could win the favour of more people, I mean there are those of us who feel that it is not really much about the things that he does, that really counts but more of what he says to us and as a leader, to put your people down... is really one way to count on losing them all eventually. So there i said my part, perhaps to you it may seem childish and immature to write this, especially on such a public platform, but I believe that i have given fair trial and that though he be right on certain things ... well, he just has to watch his mouth.

Anyway, I am currently working on 3 poems at the same time, editing and creating new stanzas crossing out old ones, replacing them with better ones (i hope). Apart from doing that, I have found a new poet to like, Keith Douglas. His poems are, beautiful. They convey meaning in such economy that it makes it all just seem perfect and just nice, not too over the top and not too subdued, just perfect. His poetry is all together stunning, it is a nice break from the confessional stuff I have been reading. Hopefully that will help me, having a great difficulty in composing poems now, it seems that my muse is feeling kinda moody with me, not giving her the stuff she needs i.e. sleep, good food, drink, and something else... :P

Ok my ranting must stop here ... oh and shout out to Mrs Kate, Miss Chew, Miss Woo, Miss Ong, Miss Toh, Mr Lim Teng, Mr Fong, Mrs Faye, and Mdm Jiang for teaching me and you all have been UNBELIEVABLY AWESOME... thanks for teaching us all though it sometimes be a ridiculously difficult task :D SHOUT OUT TO YOU ALL !!! :))))

I am annoyed ! Really really really annoyed ! ... it seems like problems have a certain way of finding me and it is nearly impossible to find a way out. Yea there are times where i have small breaks, like one day rest, and then the following day... God save me ! It seems like i am running from one problem to another for help and then realizing oh ... yea i did not think this through it gets rather frustrating that everyday i am facing different problems. It may sound really exciting to run from one situation (at least life is busy) but seriously ... it really sucks. But i will control myself and not let myself rant on and on about my problems because it really wont help anyone.

My friend well he is suffering. Really really suffering, he lost a good chance with someone that he believed was the "one" for him. Tell you what... we will never know the one for us... not now that is. I have wondered to myself ... hmmm wait why do we go all out looking for our other half ? is it a human need ? or is it just ... human connection that we all need ? Well ? Is that all which runs our system before we finally settle down... it makes life seem quite pathetic, chasing after skirts. Yea i mean we do take fancy to a person from time to time but it is transient. Love is great ... but it has become so commercialized that love seems like something bought, put on, like a fraud... it makes it like a con man and a victim sort of relationship. I have at times felt love is not worth it... it causes problems and causes you to suffer, i guess it brings happiness as well... well love is bitter sweet. nuff said!

Time to recuperate

We all need time to recuperate. For example you may laugh that today... i was well relaxing at home. We all need time to rest and recover from ourselves.

and so how ? we are back to the topic on sex :D

whoopie ... and so the whole world knows that i have been raving on about the sex thing ... wait ... maybe it is other people raving at me about me posting up the sex thing, yea that sounds about right. To imagine my name being called out in Lecture and being asked " yea why is literature all about sex? " really really exhilarating. 

Just to clarify... even though i know that somehow it will be twisted again. I realized the broken telephone game really functions in real life. What we read and what we say often can be mismatched... So i need firstly... to clarify, the blog post on well sex before i go raving on about something else. 

Right, the post was not about me being a prud and saying NO SEX ... please my fellow people, i write about sex, and though in a slightly darker light... So i am not against sex, purleese it is something awesome and something that is unbelievably pleasurable... or so i am told. So sex is not off the menu, it will stay on. But this is what i am against finding EVERY MINUTE THING and NIT PICKING to find sexual imagery when sometimes ... it is just a sub plot... i mean if it is like the main thing and the title of the poem/book is (to sound really uninspired) "sex" then i guess what you see is what you get. However if the poem is something about "nature", yea i know certain things in nature relate to sex (cos it is mother nature or something like that) but sometimes there are other things which are more poignant and more obvious to write about... especially if sexual imagery is not obvious. Another thing... sex is easy to write about, i mean how can it go ? in-out, out-in, erm role play... whatever you can think of... yea but there is not much to write about so it really cant go wrong :D... But who am i to say anything... Lit is subject to our own interpretations and sex is an interpretation so i am not one to say anything. All i can say is the eye chooses to see what the mind chooses to see. oh and GET A LIFE H. 

so i shall end with a poem :D

titled :Autumn mornings 

I wish that everyday was morning. 

That hourly the oriole will chant her

sorrowful tune, sombre and mourning. 

I wish that every morning was a brief moment. 

A wrist watch on my arm 

the leather strap, tight as a straight jacket. 

Ticking, reminding me of the lack that i have. 

I wish that every brief moment was like a lifetime.

Where we could sit on the beach, days passing with you,

as the waves thrash. The yellow umbrella over 

our heads, as we watch the sun sink into the ocean, 

the flower in your hair, with the sun dress against your fair skin.

I wish that every lifetime was this time. 

Where i am with you, lying there beside you 

and the grass between our toes.

I found you where i wanted, resting on my shoulder. A single candle. 

I steady you in the palm of my hand and you begin a free fall in my outstretched arms.

As you sing, tick, dance, and now you leave this ribbon in my hand. It is autumn.  

  

when Cupid is blind ...

Well I had a chat with my bro... well some part of him kinda died. Well i guess it happens when Cupid turns a blind eye to us and causes love to backfire at us. Love ... theorized and hypothesized... to DEATH! it is boring to hear some new finding ... love is scientific and stuff that we hear, oh do this to increase love in you life ... My god people WAKE UP! like i have said earlier... love is easy, relationships well they are a separate matter. 

Well it just so happens that sometimes what we desire does not happen and especially when it comes to love, when unrrecipocrated when we go unloved we just descend into depression. Well that is what we all fear is'nt it to love and to be unloved in the end. My bro well... he kinda fell for a beauty but he did not say anything and in the end she kinda said she was attached to someone... that is to put it briefly. I understand how he feels, it is painful and really we would rather run through HELL FIRE ... than that happen to us. I mean after i got "rejected" by a teacher for consultation i was already whining. Can you imagine someone that you love deeply and have already have kinda indirectly said "i love you" and just be told that "i'm sorry... i am already attached" it hurts. And they say this is when love hurts. I guess it does, love when it goes alone is painful... I guess like what i told him, It is hardest to let go when we have loved. It really sucks and that is the BEST descriptor that i can place in there. 

I as a friend of course will try to be there for a friend especially a bro, but this is those times when you just feel helpless to those that you hold close. When you just feel useless and like ah shucks ... i guess i cant do much about it now... i want to help but it is out of my control. Well his problem kinda is brought on upon me, i chose to just think in his situation and well i guess being moody comes along in the package, but i am ok with it... We do what we can to sustain love, and we do what we can to shelter, to care and to nurture the one we love and love so much that we would be willing to die for that person. It is not an easy time for him, I 'm sorry that i cant help... the only thing i can do is pray and hope and perhaps get you happy food but i guess humans are limited... i learnt that today. 

Well humans are indeed limited, consultation with teachers well are usually a delight to me. but today i was kinda feeling rather moody and annoyed (no prizes for guessing at what) so the consultations that i had were definitely not at their best. I felt of course that i was at fault, i mean that yea if it was a crappy consultation i guess i am the one that was rather introverted. I know i am introverted, severely introverted, in the sense that if there are 3 people i will already begin to keep mum. I feel more comfortable with one to one speaking... i will definitely say more... that is if i am comfortable with you in the first place. Apparently i often fake and pretend that i am interested in what some people are saying but at times they are COMPLETELY OBLIVIOUS to it ... and i come to wonder ... hmmm why are you so DENSE ! 

There are people in this world, well currently i only know one, who believe that they should be listened to all the time. Yea i can understand you have a point to make and yea you have something to say but please .... at times people need their space and you are not king of their space... it is frustrating to have an incessant whinging noise in my ear, especially when reading, or writing poetry. Everything must be either silent or with background noise... but with some dimwit calling "eh eh ... " it distracts me and i will get highly annoyed. I am not blaming the pitiful state of my poetry on other people but sometimes it really is because of it... that my brain just works in short spurts. It is seriously SICKENING ! At the same time... because the topics you put up are so BLODDY SHALLOW ... i mean even butter is thicker... i cannot be bothered with you. Yea you may SEEM philosophical at times but really really ... you are just another sex crazed freak (awesome bimbo language)... Yea we all are repressed sexually, whatever, but speaking in euphemisms throughout the day is tiring and .... please to quote peter chow "get a rife !" I am not against sex... but i am against constant sexual thought and relating everything to sex... I am not calling myself deep but I have realized many things in the past weeks that i have not really cared to notice recently, and when i am in that "zone" and something shallow enters my mind ... well needless to say... these are the words i can only offer "JUST SOD OFF YOU WHINGING PRICK" ... there is more to the world than the funny video or the interesting movie, or the book you picked up at the library. i am really really really beginning to regret knowing you. It has been unpleasant and really everyday is like a torture talking to you... i feel fake and also pity you because you will remain like that at the end of your life. Obama believed in change and of course so do i ... but with you... i begin to doubt myself and if change can really happen to you or am i just disillusioned. But that is not the problem really ... the main thing is that YOU CANT GET IT ! GOD KNOWS HOW THICK YOUR SKULL IS ! i mean i have tried to be subtle about it... but i guess the subtle does not work... so if you still have no idea after reading this ... if you get to obviously... you really should go shoot yourself. No really i will be willing to smuggle in a pistol for you to shoot yourself with. So to sum it all up if you really still cant get it ... here it is briefly ... SCREW OFF... AND SHUT THAT TRAP OR I WILL SHUT IT FOR YOU AND TRUST ME IT WILL NOT BE PRETTY ! 

i guess i got carried away... anyway there is rationale for me not getting too attached to people in JC... firstly it is 2 years of my life and the friendships are kinda superficial, the person that said that suffering will bring out the best of friends well i guess he is dead for a reason. I cannot stand to make friendships that will not last a lifetime. I can only be bothered with people whom i believe will be friends for a really unbelievably long period of time apart from that ... erm i don't care if you exist. I mean what is the point of having a friend for 1 year and then in the future become hi-bye... it seems so futile and pointless. I guess some people are like that, that isnt me. I rather hang out with my bro and just kick back... and slack really... than get to know someone new... I should go see him soon, with him down and all... it is difficult on him... so SHOUT OUT TO MY BRO ... :D we all just have to move ON and some have to move OUT... and we just have to remember to keep breathing even though each breath is more difficult and strenuous.... 

CUPID ...OPEN YOUR GODFORSAKEN EYES !    

just keep breathing

it has been about 10 days since i have posted anything. Rather busy, and today because of sickness i was stuck at home, kinda suffering because of the amount of stuff that i need to study. It just hit me, why on earth am i bothered with how the market system runs, why on earth would i care about the cold war, it is already long passed, and why... why would i bother about Mr Darcy and Bingley. Studying is becoming heavier and there is the feeling of giving up, not because it is too difficult but i have begun to be clouded over what i want to do after JC. After that day when my teacher asked me ... so after JC where do you want to go ? i was stumped. i thought in my head, english language and literature, and a minor in theater studies ( that was my standard answer ) then it struck me... do i really want to do that ? I guess it is just the stress and the pressure of scoring well for the A levels... but come to think of it, i really have no clue what i truly and desperately want. University is like this nirvana, like olympus, where the teachers all claim is the "best" place in education. Well i doubt, tell you what ... i bet it is study study and study... AGAIN ! well looking it in a brighter light ... it will at least be something that i like to do :D... 

Some of my friend already have ideas of where they want to go, like to do art history or perhaps go overseas and attend culinary school, and I ... well stuck no where ! I wanted to be a poet, i mean full time poet... it is hard work i swear! every poem drains me physically and mentally. It is beginning to be frustrating to feel as though i am fighting for an invisible goal. Being a poet will definitely mean i will starve and suffer... so i thought hmmm perhaps a part time teacher as well... i really really really don't know. giving up seems too easy ... i guess that is the only thing keeping me on... it is that giving up is just too easy, just too easy that i need to show myself that i am able to just get through it alive, with me ... breathing breathing breathing. 

Well the past ten days have been rather interesting, i have desperately tried to survive on as few hours of sleep, and to continue working and working and working, well today my body decided, NO MORE! and just cut blood supply to the brain... resulting in a dizzy spell that let me see what it feels like to die. And after that an amazing headache as bad as the sumatran earthquake... definitely impossible to survive. fell back on to my bed, slowly, slowly.... breathing ... am i ok? should be fine... i am still breathing breathing breathing.

School is not that interesting to rant about especially the study part because ... all i can think of is ... study - good for future... not good for current self (drains the mind body and soul... even brands essence of chicken is not enough). It is that simple...OH OH !wait i must talk about the chinese B oral... which was amazingly easy... to imagine the oral was about cutting apples. Needless to say, it was dreadfully dreadfully easy, i wanted a challenge not so much of a walkover nonetheless it was quite a splendid thing. My friend was trembling and rather anxious so the only thing that i could tell her was to keep calm and continue breathing breathing breathing...     

I also realized over the past week i have purchased quite a number of books within the span of 2 weeks, now i have about 5 or 6 new books... and am still plowing through the books... desperately... my table is getting messy, really really messy, there are about 5 stacks of paper and books all piled up on the table. dirt, dust, eraser stuff, ink, headphones, ipod, fountain pens, normal pens, pencil, sketches... all on my table. I think it builds up the stress level, and just makes the body incapable to function properly. faltering and just failing to write anymore, failing to keep awake, only breathing breathing breathing...

Poetry has been depressing me. The incapability to write and compose new poems all really really drains me. Even when i have the feeling to write, i realize that i have no ability to pen the exact thing that i feel. There is a friend that is becoming really really a pain and a true thorn in the flesh to bear. It is truly like christ said "father please take this cup from me !" it has come to such an extent. painful to bear. Even as i type this i kinda pity him, cos he somehow clings to me and then i dont know how to tell that friend that i... i just ... i'm sorry... i'm sorry that what you believed to be true of me was just me tolerating you, and... sorry, i was a fake. As Edgar said "speak what we feel not what we ought to say" I guess if we conform and say the false things... we will suffer and suffer badly. the longer we drag it out the more it will hurt, the more the pain will keep and the more we have to make up :( . Anyway back to poetry :D... I have been having experiences that can be written about and i have actually have come up with the poem verbally but penning it down well... it is harder and my brain just would not allow me to. this hindrance is making me build up and just build up, like a volcano... to let out all the frustration, all the hurt and all the pain and joy at the same time in a blood red mess on the paper (no i did not cut myself). It will just be as it is. messy. I just want to shut out the world, shut out the noise in my head and just play the music over and over and over like a refreshing wave, like a breeze in the morning that wakes me, that brushes over me... blow through the blinds according to my breath, silently sitting there curled up, breathing breathing breathing. 

My econs teacher does not want to see me any more... well apparently so... FINE LAH DON'T SEE ME LAH! last week say... that a B is achievable but now she does not want to see me. humph ! i can understand that she is busy, i mean her schedule was utterly dreadful when i saw it. I can understand... but i guess sometimes i take what people say too seriously. I guess that is my achilles heel, it is the thing that will definitely kill me. Along with that i had a consultation with a teacher, and of course pulled my little trick of handing her essays that had been marked by my other lit teachers and it was really really just to see how she marks and the quality of her marking. trust me it was way off ! it kinda put me off... that she taught literature the way she did. I have never seen literature in black and white, well this is probably the first time. One of my lit teachers says she is from a different time where it was somewhat marked differently. erm... different time indeed! to think that insight on literature matures with age... i was severely wrong. Well after my other literature teacher passed away, i guess i had a fixed image of what a more mature lit teacher taught like, apparently i had been deceived. hah! teachers... they are the ones that mark our work, take the crap of the principal, take the paper work, take crap from us... and stay back to see us, forgoing dinner and lunch and their families... these are the unsung heroes... and here i am groaning about them... sigh... sometimes i just take them for granted. I know they have 24 hours and about 25 of it is spent in school... so i can understand if a teacher does not want to see me... i just have too remain calm and just keep breathing breathing breathing. 

Along with that... there is the NS check up that i did recently... well... i went for the check up.. it was tiring. They made me run on a trek mill and run and run and run till something happened to you :D ... good or bad... either way i had no idea what was happening ... nearly fainted after that ... the spots were coming through my vision and... it was difficult to breathe. If that had killed me... it would have been hilarious!... i mean i have already studied so much and then to die before the A levels is just a waste. really really a waste... ARGH ! i am annoyed ... really really annoyed and ticked off for no apparent reason ... stop... and just keep

breathing breathing breathing....... 

    

爱

well what more can I say... it is love... hah ... you may think at this moment that i am crazily in love with someone. Well to break that image, I am not attached with anyone. That does not necessarily mean that i cannot feel love, that warm feeling, filling up heart, mind and just bubbles to the surface. Recently I did some MBTI thing, so i got INFP, it apparently claims that i am introverted, intuitive, having feeling and perception. Whatever rocks your boat... Anyway... the reason for blogging this post on love is mainly because I am currently observing other people fall in love, and it is really quite amusing :D. Needless to say, love is something that i have been intending to write about. The problem is that I am not in love, and there is not much emotion to write and there is not enough feeling to it as compared to the other things that i write on such as dying and about failures in life (how optimistic)... considering the fact that most of the poets I read have suicidal tendencies... hmmmmmm. I doubt but, who knows.

Anyway back to the main topic on love, let me try to write about it. Well recently I have given up a friendship with a friend. Perhaps you may think it is stupid and really dumb of me to do such a thing. As the proverb says: better a friend than an enemy. Well most proverbs are just short things that really don't hold much truth... proverbs are just people trying to act clever. It really is nonsense... well most of it... Ah what is there to hide, I shall keep up to my own word and express what I truly feel inside, there is no point in hiding it is there ?

Outside i can act I can play with the facial expressions making them act as though i am concerned, interested or perhaps even pretend that i don't give a crap. Well the fact is that it is highly Impossible for me not to express myself. Well usually I try to do it privately, like screaming into a pillow, or perhaps just letting tears flow down as I sit there by the computer screen and think and think and overthink so much that it is impossible to fall asleep. There is too much I hide, and for good reason: for the sake of the other. You may comment and say that i am bloody narcissistic, hell i am not afraid to admit, arent we all ? we all believe deeply in ourselves all the time. We love ourselves, and that is why we engage in consumerism isnt it ? buying to pamper ourselves. Everything that we do is mostly self motivated, don't believe me ? try doing something completely selfless ... when you are done tell me. Usually there is need to act on the outside and not truly reflect what we all internally feel because of the unspoken rules of society. It Abhors and Disgusts me... that we all act and act and act. YEA Shakespeare said that all the world's a stage and all the men and women merely actors... tsk tsk... shakespeare could go shove that up his ass ! (not meaning to be disrespectful) ... Life is not an act. If we go through life as an act then perhaps we might end up like Lear... disillusioned, never really knowing what we truly are. We are made up of the truth and the lies that people say about us. And only when the lies are eliminated then, when truth prevails, or hell IF truth manages to prevail then we will find who we are. And believe me, We all can never take it we are all that we speak against, all that we hate, all that we loudly proclaim that we are against.

I am deviating... back to the main point. Internally there is nothing of myself left, really. I am literally at rock bottom. I have never NEVER let go of any relationship, unless the other party lets go first then i guess i have to let go as well. Even though I take ages to let go eventually it will still happen, it will cost me... I know it will, my heart, my mind. Every harsh word will shake my composure. Really! that is the extent that i treat words. Words are often treated as something truly minor and unimportant... but every word that people have said to me and i have replied back, after that conversation I will rethink of the exact words said and see if i could have expressed better or even wonder what the other person means in all senses of the words that he/she speaks. Yea stupid, i know that I think of things that cannot change... But that is who i am. Every word any one says will definitely shake my composure, and either plummet me into deep sadness or a strong joy. Perhaps that is why it is extremely painful for me to take criticism. It truly sucks...

Weird isnt it that this is titled, love? when I have given it all and tried the best I could to save the relationship, i guess i was wrong all along... I never believed it till today... I am nothing, just a foolish foolish person! I need to tide through this... don't let it bog me down. I bet i will be dreadful tomorrow...

:D

100 :(

Well this is the hundredth post :D... it has been an awesome journey ... from the beginning to this post. I have blogged about a range of topics, mostly concerning my own life and how i have spent it, of course this blog has been read for information before about the Lolita saga. Needless to say, the saga is long over and this blog can be said to have changed focus. Though it is difficult to truly determine what it is. Events have occurred over the span of keeping this blog up and running. And yes it has been difficult at times, require to be tactful and absolutely careful about the people i write about, the things that i say sometimes insinuate trouble.... Anyway... this post will probably set out the direction and focus of the next 100 posts :D... Well since i have kinda have decided to disregard all values and just shoot as it is. Well i guess that being a confessional sometimes is tiring. I say as I feel or at least try, not in real life though. However in poetry it is so much easier, there is a certain air of freedom and a certain degree of consciousness to say everything that i feel inside. Of course i will finish this post on my traditional note :D with a poem... trust me this will be quite straight because i no longer see the need to hold back my writing from achieving what it can.

Well here goes for the next about a hundred posts of course it will be mostly poetry driven. Even though i will still give updates about the personal life I will cut down a lot more in delving into my own life. More on the poetry less of me. Yes perhaps it is depressing for you but that is the way life will be.

I wanted this post to be mostly a celebration and not one that is just filled with words, but with the mood i am feeling currently there is need to blog and the only thing that i can express is that i am feeling really really down, not as though i am being helped by the rest of the people. Well if showing concern is not even regarded then i guess, there is no need for me to exist and probably you may agree, I am fine with it... we all will die one day and i guess i should die towards you. Goodbye, I have let go, i guess you should too perhaps you have let go for long already.

I cannot write this anymore... the more i write the more i have the desire to just break down. sigh ... what is wrong with me... foolish... just foolish.

This is the only way to end it all ... to imagine this 100th post... the epitome of depression I guess i just think too much.

Clinging on, desperate hope

the feeling, leaving nothing but my own heart

difficult to feel anything, my hands become numb to the pressing of the keys

my fingers all are made of ivory.

My heart dies, the beating pulse of injections and the valves all collapse.

My world, the walls around me no longer exist.

only spinning in the dizzy pleasure of the teary cheek.

I know it is time to let go, time for the end of the ride.

Come child it is time to go.

______________________________

breaks down...

　

To be perfect

My world can never be perfect can it ? it is always disaster after disaster... I guess that is how we all scramble through life, awaiting the moments that are just seem so perfect. Ironically I am listening to a song called perfect. So why disaster after disaster. I have been living on this earth for about 18 years and a little more. The only thing that i can find perfection in is, well nothing. Not even in myself. For we all are totally imperfect... ERRARE HUMANUM EST! to err is human. Well To make it no longer an error, you just have to try your best. Try everything that you can to rescue the relationship rescue the poem and to rescue the other, and in the process you find a new you.

I have tried to never be false to people, but i am never appreciated for it. Rather the relationship is completely destroyed. Fine perhaps we are Asian and telling you your faults is perhaps making you lose face. But i have faults also, and i need you people to show me them. Not just keep it to yourself, What are friends for if their mouths are shut, if their eyes are closed and their ears no longer open. Then i might as well speak to my own reflection in the mirror, at least i am able to see myself, hear myself, and speak to myself. I have never agreed with many of the Asian principles that we all cling so tightly to. What are the Asian values ? conservative, to flatter and just what i think of it is that it is all superficial. Maybe that is why we are unable to cultivate the ideals of bohemia... perhaps this is what the government wants ... I really cannot tell. It is stupid that we are unwilling to say what we feel and keep it all inside. What is life worth living then?! If we keep it all in we are not able to change our land your life is WASTED! I never want to waste my own life away, the idea is just to keep moving, keep moving. Leave what you have behind, just keep walking forward, deeper and deeper no matter what happens to press on. Asian values are beginning to show the flaws. Like the beautiful vase with all the flowers but place in the water to keep the flowers alive it begins to seep out. It cannot keep the flowers alive and so they die. the more we keep our feelings inside and do not correct the wrong then we and the person will die, a meaningless existence. We often question what is our existence? STOP QUESTIONING AND DO SOMETHING then your existence is worth it all.

The bible says that we should take out the plank from our own eye before taking the speck out of your brother's eye. Well if you know there is a plank in your eye then take it out first. However if you don't even know you have a plank in your own eye how can you take it out? you need a friend to take it out for you. And where are those friends ? well they are the people that are willing to tell you your flaws, willing to tell you when you fall, willing to speak up when you have done wrong. Because Iron sharpens iron. With no conflict there can be no sharpening. The bible also says that if a man wins the whole world but loses his soul then what is it worth? I agree, even if you gain all the friends of the world, even if you have all the security you want, even if you have everything that you want... but you lose yourself in the process... then your life has been wasted. Life is to find about yourself, to find and perfect the imperfections and try try again all the time. We must always move move and move never keep still for then you will begin to fall back.

Life is about imperfections, life is not about the boring routine, again and again, the 9-5 job and repeat it the next day after day. What is life then ? to have no impact on the world to leave no mark behind ? There is No prize for being the most routine ... there is a prize however for being the extraordinary, being revolutionary, for being different when all are similar. That prize is what man craves for, immortality and thus you achieve perfection. Perfection is achieved by being honest to those you love even when it hurts, it is about climbing up and up pressing on and never giving up, it is about gritting your teeth when there is Pain and moving on stronger, never weaker. It is never about seeing past the bad and only looking at the good, it is about using the bad and the forlorn and turning it upside down to something unbelievably beautiful.

We all complain about our problems, but if we only say, there is no use if nothing is going to develop out of it. Life is all about risk, words are DEVILISHLY CHEAP. jump in whenever you can and let the wind direct you. Do your best, and then move on... move on move on. there is truth in not looking back. We all must take the little baby steps everyday and finally at the end we can look back at the journey that we have took, and then we will be judged according to the journey we all took, and whether we wasted our lives away or we just kept on keeping on in faith in love and truth. to believe, to love with all mind strength body and soul, and to tell the truth when needed and never just keep it to ourselves when we see another do wrong that needs correcting. As the bible says, show me your faith by your words and i will show you my faith by my works. So even the word says words=cheap. And faith is an action, an action of moving forward and to not give up when the world begins to crumble around you.

Back to the main point, when we make errors, we need a friend to correct us, we need that forceful action and that willingness to speak and to correct with gentleness and patience and love... correct me when i make wrong, I am not perfect, neither are you. The closer the friend the more painful the truth will be... be brave to move on. Be strong because we all can take it... really.