And I am back... this hopeless romantic

this is probably one of the few times that i will not write a poem after my post. This is just an update. Currently i am listening to Perfect by Maren Ord, the beauty of it all. Oh well... i guess I would have to wait, wait for the world to be a little more perfect. :P. Anyway, today was a rather interesting day, I have been up since 4 AM !!!! and all because I believed my jie that studying then would be productive. Apparently it was.... and it killed me during the exam, I had little energy to hold up my pen less even to think of reasonable literature arguments. hah !!! oh today there was a hilarious mix up, due to the fact that the three of us, my jie, a friend and I were lazy and completely ridiculously unable to make decisions therefore we somehow ended up eating up with the entire, well kinda more than usual, class and school people. Of course we did not expect it to turn out to be like this, and rather wanted it to be more of just the few of us. 

I dunno but my jie looked kinda uninterested and quite listless during these situations. And i was no exception, nor was my dear friend to my right. this blog is mainly for me to rant out my desires and my emotions. There is a great refusal on my part to display public emotion unless it is to someone i really love and treat as a good friend. This part is of course very seldom seen, because i hate HATE to be kind to EVERYONE, i just cannot bear to be taken advantage of. Care is taken into my every consideration. 

So what is my REAL purpose in writing this post. It is only to just for me to reflect on what life has given to me and, though it may seem impossible to have everything I want. Life has been good to me. Or that is what i want to believe, to be able to find an angel, a beautiful angel at that, clever, witty and a very very lovely friend, my jie. Along with my friend who is probably the most hilarious make up of a boyfriend ever know to man, well we all need to learn to be a hopeless romantic sometimes. And my great friend known him for 7 odd years and he is still getting himself into trouble making it a wonderful story to tell people, and trust me he is a nice guy. OH OH !!!! and i get to have kopi peng on monday, or at least that is what i hope, and another sometime other. PERFECT !!! I guess life has been good, truly good to me, even though I would kill to be a mad hopeless romantic again lost in my own world, but i think my da jie knows it would probably distract me and I would not be able to concentrate, good call da jie you probably are right. 

Sitting here typing this, my heart is still in the unsettled state and has been pressing for something, that it has not achieved. it is just that funny feeling inside, to just gwash ... just in that frame of mind. oh deliver me from it!!! 

that song is on repeat... what if the world was a little more perfect... just stop crying and would you take the lead...what if the world were a little more perfect, would you open your eyes, and blink for me. if only.... if only... anyway i am about to go and shower, but my heart is not settled. far from being settled... 

I am back... after a long bath. I AM A WRECK !!!!!!!!! A COMPLETE EMOTIONAL MESS. I CANNOT, PROBABLY ALREADY LOST CONTROL OF ALLLLLLLL MY EMOTIONAL BACKING. I AM OPEN TO THE WORLD! EVERYTHING WITHIN ME HAS REALLY BROKEN DOWN. 

I CANNOT STAND IT ANYMORE!! I JUST WANT TO GO SCREAM INTO A PILLOW, JUST GET MYSELF DRUNK, OR EVEN JUST CRY BUCKETS!!! WHY WHY WHY AM I THIS DISASTER... UNABLE TO STAND ON MY OWN TWO FEET, my heart has gone through too much, too much this year, that i may just die of a broken heart,  a heart failure. You may say I probably need psychatric help... I dont ! I DONT !!! 

as i type... i can feel the tension within my heart tighten, I dont know if i should have already given up, or should i press on to the end, wherever that leads, the words are MULSH in my head. I cannot structure I have lost it, my mind a haywire mess, the choices all based on emotion rather than logic ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I CANNOT TAKE IT ANYMORE. My mother is pressuring me for this Mid years. I DONT CARE ANYMORE SCREW MIDYEARS !!! SCREW IT ALL... THE PRESSURE IS TAKING HOLD OF ME. I feel ready to break, and here they come.... the waterworks.... (leaves computer) 

WHY CANT I JUST JUST RUN AWAY... ESCAPE FROM IT ALL... THIS ALL ENCOMPASSING MADNESS WHICH I FEEL... CAN IT BE TRANSIENT ???!!!! I HAVE HAD THIS FEELING FOR ABOUT A WEEK AND IT HAS NOT GONE AWAY......I GUESS IT REALLY IS too late to change... 

I AM A WRECK, A COMPLETE WRECK, A DISASTER WAITING TO HAPPEN, NOT WHAT I SEEM IN SCHOOL THIS FALSEHOOD THIS HAPPY CHEERY SLIGHTLY MORE DELIGHTED ME.... WHY WHY !!!! WHY DECIDEDLY DECEIVE YOURSELF YOU STUPID STUPID MAN !!!! I AM NOT !!! I HAVE NOT BEEN WHO I TRULY AM... IF YOU HAD SEEN WHO I AM... (SIGH) YOU WILL NEVER BELIEVE WHO I TRULY AM OR CAPABLE TO BE!!!!

but that feeling... that pulling that that just there.... help me help me.... FUCK IT !!!!!!! SERIOUSLY FUCK IT ALL I DONT WANT TO GIVE A SHIT NO MORE... VEX ME PERPLEX ME JUST TAKE WHAT YOU WANT AND LEAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JUST TAKE AND LEAVE!!! EVEN IF YOU DESIRE ME TO DO THE STUPIDEST THING I WILL DO... JUST JUST GET ME OUT ... (tears still flowing) JUST WANT TO DISSOLVE,,, LIKE SUGAR INTO MY OWN MESS!!! WHAT DOES SOCIETY HOLD FOR ME... IS ALL WHAT I HAVE DONE NOTHING !!! IS IT REALLY NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING!!!!!!!! WHY DO I EVEN BOTHER WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH ME !!!! THAT MY ENTIRE LIFE HAS BEEN TORMENTED AND A TORTURE, LET ME GO AWAY INTO THAT EMPTINESS.... JUST WANT TO POUR OUT MY SOUL !!!  who is this idiot that messaged me ?!!! bloody church people !!! just leave me alone... let your CHRIST SAVE YOU!!! 

JUST JUST A;JDSahfsknlnl ARGH !!!!  I DONT CARE NO MORE !!! SINGE MY WHITE HEAD... HEAR ME !!! HEAR ME!!!! SURROUNDED YET LEFT ... ALONE ALONE IN THAT MESS THAT IS I!!!! I, I, I, I,I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, JUST DONT WANT TO RECOVER... THIS SICKNESS... TAKE... I WILL GIVE WILLINGLY

I RELINQUISH IT ALL 

-------------------------------

LET THIS BE THE END OF ME 

breaks down into tears....................there is little more than i can say what life has given me. 

recollections ... of a lost memory

well it is difficult to put into words. The feelings that i feel, sometimes i feel like an emotional wreck and other times like i just feel free and lighthearted. 

Well I have often refrained from this subject so ... da jie if you are reading this I have moved on. After 3 long years... I probably have found someone like you. Not exactly but close enough. After you had passed on, I remember being a complete Wreck. I know that if you were there, you probably would be there to cry with me. I remember nearly everyday the endless phone call, hah your mother was furious at you! And the calls could go on for hours I still remember the call that we lasted the whole night just talking and catching up. I don't know if you can still hear me but every day I just cant seem to forget. I guess you would ask me to move on with life, which i have, well at least i think so, I have found a new da jie. Well she does not want me to call her da jie so i just call her jie. Anyway, i trust you are happy wherever you are. I was a complete wreck when i was listening to a song. ah anyway.... it has indeed been too long and way way way long ago in the past. I doubt i will forget but i will try... what ever i can muster to move on i guess. 

Anyway, this post is for you, specially dedicated to you, I will remember you always, you will forever be my elder sis. 

I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE !!!!!!!!!!!

Is there anymore that need be said. My logic is failing me, priorities all dead,there is no sense and i have become extremely emotionally driven. My muse, eveyday kept locked up is now free, abusing my reasoning. I have never been a great rational person but when both parts of my gemini soul rise against each other over an issue, it is highly depressing and it affects everything. the worst thing, exam is in 2 days and i still cannot get down to it. Argh! I hate myself, to just give it up or I really cannot decide. My muse needs an outlet. I just wanna scream and just, dissolve, not care about everything and float in my mad state. If you were here, you would feel it as well. To hell with it, I give up, i cannot stand it anymore 

POQDSHC8VEOBIPUT'WOICHRASIDFOHGOd it ARGHJ!!{@ljskafBljfhndeoll/eqwv;lv bhvjkwr:FDASK GOJPI'SJQCW'PEJVLKANSLDK CIE HArowjeghohfh

I cross over 

the empty road, in my mind 

leading many ways 

confused, in my own world 

I am my muse 

the emotionally driven soul 

driving me off a cliff 

into nothing, the raw emotion cutting 

deep inside

insoluble, what logic exists? 

the decider and the one 

blown by the wind 

Choose 

Choose! 

Lacking, returning to an empty house 

head rest against the gate 

locked 

they stand by, and walk by 

no one cares anymore 

the repeated signals 

the repetition 

the warnings 

all mean nothing to me 

I want to be nothing 

to not care 

to be free

the stars play with my heart

leading me on 

leading me, tempting me 

the FOOOL that i am !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

to allow the muse to wreck me 

like a hurricane i am 

only blowing 

and causing it all 

disaster 

disaster 

that is my choice, my desire 

my heart, the contorted sickness 

will lead me there 

only the one way street down 

down down to disaster 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i am sick of everything, someone save me... I have lost all sense of logic, take ... just take what  you want and leave. 

In love or out of Love... Cupid's choice :P

Cupid... hmmmm so he recently, or not so recently shot, a perfect bullseye into my friend's heart and so, she the lovebird that she is is floundering in the poison of Love. she is so light headed that she is unbelievably obsessed by this lover of hers. So in congratulating her I shall compose a poem in her honor... don't chide me hahahaha !! 

The end of the day 

is it really over, has my song been sung, my love 

My sweeeet, Darling. 

The sun bathes us 

and elated, floating like balloons 

but no words are exchanged. 

This sunset expression in his eyes. 

They cover up my imperfections

this white embrace

This sickness, a loving feeling 

which I long for 

Am impatient for it.

His presence 

shadows me, his voice, a musing in my ears 

as I stand there 

like a 3 year old, amazed at the beauty of his speech.  

Floundering, searching for words 

the mess in my mind.

Cupid, is this really it ? 

can it really be? this montage in my head. a painting, a mash of colour 

and in it all I see is the blurring of sense. 

emotion and logic

Words, spoken 

are kept, safe in my head, the cheesy lines 

the passing remarks, every nitty gritty  

All love letters. 

Nothing to hold on 

and as i fall 

he picks me up and catches me 

my words, his words entangled 

my self composed fairy tale. spinning spinning till dizzy.  

I can only wish 

wish 

he was here, beside me, all alone to myself 

my cake, my lovely, I live 

I love. let me, let us float, float far away in love. 

erm reader .... please forgive the pitiful state of my poetry. I have hardly any substantial inspiration. But I think It is nice, not great but nice.  

Crushed and reborn

and so i sit here contemplating.... what is it all worth. 

Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

Ok ...! enough emoing and onto greater and more pleasant things. 

Well today I had cheesecake. woah that made me happy right away ! ya I had Cheese cake and it was ..gooooooooood along with madelaines and bee hoon and crosoiant hmmm oh oh !!! and tang yuan or as my dear friend put it ... peanut dumplings hahahaha!! 

but today was a ... shack day... but lets not diverge ... happy happy !!! 

oh oh !!! i got a rugby ball today. yes it seems very childish but ball ball !!! it is a childhood thing. It is a gilbert X400 size 5 beautiful exactcally what a rugby ball should be.

oh oh  I had a good consultation today... it was good alright. I managed to clear up and clammer my tutor for economics. She is a funny teacher ... there is no better way i can put it. It is just, funny. yes pardon my lack of ability to express here. sigh ... 

oh oh !!! as i am writing ... i am also kinda de-stressing. probably would need to cry a bit to sleep. It happens... when i am pent up with madness and it all comes out... yes I will just cry myself to sleep an wake up feeling all jovial and light headed. It is a defense mechanism... I think i am too repressed. Too stuck ... in my annoyance, unwilling to say stuff or mostly afraid to say stuff that will hurt other people so i swallow it down. and after 10 days or so ... it saturates into tear drops. 

go away !!! no leave me alone ... no just go go go !! away from me ... just leave. 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

moving on to greater heights ... or so i'ld like to believe

Rugby is not just a game... yes you may disagree with me but Rugby is really ... to me to best sport on the planet. But wait you may say... hey continue with the Lolita thing... We loved the mystery and the scandal behind it all. I am sorry to all who have followed on because of the Lolita trend and purleese... stop whining over it already... it is OVER! Over ! there is no more to it... however it has just started in school. Whoopie . 

Now onto greater things... or so i'ld like to believe. 

I know who reads my blog. yes you, no you ... don't look anywhere else it is YOU 

I know who you are... i do not require your inference and you misdeed in my place of education 

I know that i have offered myself to the dogs but the destruction wrecked upon my Lolita is really not worth it. So here you really want to know. No i will just tell you in the face because it is no longer a part of me anymore. I have cut myself away from it, so no matter how it plays out it is ALL OVER already before it began. 

Ok here goes, however I require you, the reader to think a bit more just a tiny bit more to figure this out

eey koes gno asiuol

yes she is my Lolita. ok... it is bloody sickening. here here . TAKE IT ALL. I cant give a rats ass anymore.

ARGH I AM FURIOUS!!!!!! I have no mood to continue. (descend into tears) 

ok.... i shall push myself off the cliff

here goes... the grand finale to the entire Lolita saga or at least that is what i shall attempt with great in-trepidation. I have spoken written and composed about this mysterious character of Lolita. So who the devil is this deamon who possesses this man to write in such riddles and rhyme. That the sole purpose of it is to confuse and dement himself into a squirming creature bound by obsession. 

Well I shall tell you... and no i am not afraid to die. The gods have granted me safe passage through life and therefore i tread thin ice with no worries. Openly declare who she is. 

Ah but you think i will give it to you... easily. Like that. I am sorry to dash your hopes, or what pre existing thoughts you had but I will deliver my message cleanly through a poem. no riddles, everything as it is, purely descriptive. 

The door closes behind me 

The gates, and it is all locked 

locked and the key, it thrown away into the 

hollow of my heart. 

my heart is hollowed out for you 

yes you, the indolent, stubborn fist, pressing 

insistently for a breakthrough 

and so I give in. 

Strip away the masks and all 

all strip, till I naked as the sky appear

and the darkness is all that i can hear 

the voices the voices. 

and the lady which tempts my soul 

she has no name 

she has no being 

just a image, superficial and shallow. 

entranced by her spell 

the flowers and the pink, along with the overtly happy trot 

through the hallways 

the hair a bundle to the side 

is this not a give away 

O fool you may mock 

the disillusioned bastard, perverse in all his manners 

but no, gentlewomen of the jury 

do not judge too quickly 

For it is her that is the culprit 

guilty

guilty

the crone, the witch, her standing there 

as a poignant figure 

unhappy, and i unattached to the situation

die, and fade away away from the situation around 

it is over long o'er 

the people shout and accuse, fine, put me to the stake 

I am not worthy 

there is no point in continuing the case. it is long over... over ...over !

To the people on my trail...

This post is addressed to all those on my trail... you know who you are.... those people, the lolita people... I shall not annoy you further. So why not make my blog private.. .well lets just say i rather that thoughts be open and these thoughts need not be hidden as i write in a really ambiguous manner lest you figured out the puzzle i had set you... and no i will not tell you how to read it. Oh and seriously... what the hell. Due to the fact that i believe you are just waiting and drooling to figure out who the devil lolita is... well here is a poem. see if you can know who ... she is . good luck. 

...lackeys and the servants of many, undermined (maddening desire) sleeping and obliterated desires Independence day - is here the . apple falling falling newton the genius 

it is a puzzle yes, doesnt make sense does it, but within it contains the name of my lolita... go figure. 

Yes yes ... i succumbed

yes it is true, i am back on blogger, what ever that means to that unenlightened mind of yours. 

today marks the tenth day of my hiatus and i have decided to end it today. I could not stand it....ANYMORE !!! 

now, to update you on things happening in my rather uninteresting existence... firstly,  my friend has gotten of tired of waiting for his lady and the other... well lets just say that his lady is having problems with him. I ... on the other hand am happily enjoying my floating existence that is apart from the occasional annoyances from several people in school. hmmm... so i have not written poetry in quite a while so please don't judge the poetry standard too high.  

Calm 

the sheen of sweat down my arm 

heavy and burdensome 

the bells awake them 

the birds, arise and unfurl their masks 

bright and pouting 

Firs stand, on the edge of 

something new 

the frost melting behind. 

curl inward, reverse nature 

allow me my rest 

give me my space 

the oppressors at my door. The morning sun 

too happy. invading, creeping at my door. 

cold , dark, nocturnal man

quell in the fetal posture

masquerading in the body of a owl

a panther brooding 

ready, and strike the silence 

there is no rest no peace in this misshapen world 

and then they come 

the monsters. teeth sharper than mine 

kill. and make from clay, man. 

yes it sucks. i know but i have not written poems for 10 bloody days ok .... 

to pause and reflect

yes i am going to take a small hiatus on the blog 

no more poems posted 

no more words put up 

I will be back in about a month's time. 

need to reflect on life and other personal matters to be settled

Post colonialism

as you may have already guessed, most of my titles are just for ornamental purposes. Decoration to the mundane blog post. which i am typing right now. Problems Problems. not worth ranting about them so i shall go on,  my class is starting a LAMY revolution. I am not trying to promote a product but rather complain about it. These people are clamming up my space. My uniqueness is well spoilt and all thanks to my class. Oh oh !!! and Saint andrews beat ACS I 17 to 10 which is a 

7-up of them. Apart from the useless blabbering that seems to make sense I have decided that i shall write a poem, well about sex. Sigh yes yes it has already been done like a billion times but please don't criticize me just enjoy. ok ok ? just enjoy my deliberation on the sex idea. (it just popped into my head) honest! 

here goes -- 

The sense of release 

movement, a catch of breath, heavenly 

like a handkerchief, the white 

stained with the red red. 

achoo, tuberculosis 

fearful disease. cough out the gravel from within 

Flutter like a wind 

dresses, the street lit with a hundred lights 

angelic, halos above the heads 

the dinner, a michigan man.

The food arrives 

platters close and open 

the dead laid on the table. Queasy, 

the silence is tenuous. 

we mumble our way through. 

The signals 

blow away the inhibitions, swans.

the Beast swayed by the Belle 

the music a samba beat, pluck pluck. 

A violent dance 

the two, muskets, the duel 

power struggle betwixt 

the Gothic empire. Towers in high 

Pierce sky, moon looks down showering on us 

stars fall out of the sky, they are her eyes 

transfixed on the joint.

The man used as a toy,

Slave to the witch 

bubble brew the cauldron 

the arsenic, the acid creeps 

eats the heart. Burns 

Flesh body carnal sin. 

Accursed,dying every time, everyday

Lilith kissing eating the sin

the incest, disillusioned, the lustful screeches. 

Devilish, the imbalanced two. 

one ruling the other 

nail in the tree, the dart pierce, the slamming 

moment pervade the shell. Feeling of pain 

pain pain, Passion.

The bed a big bang 

As the birds dance, each giving to each other

blood, plush, the pink the red, 

lips ears breast body 

thighs and 

Feet, kissing the healer, the teacher. 

Teasing, ecstasy, drug lord bring to the gate of heaven.

and you pierce up, up! the blood pouring from the side 

white and red the blended mess.

drip flow drip 

my wound stitch it up 

ooze ooze the pus on my fingers eat into her body

the scarlet flesh of her, and her voice, the jazzy rhythm.

The red, pink skin 

the illustrious artist paint nude 

her towering over me 

the scent 

blood 

vampiric and a monk 

blood, the holy grail, the man which i devour. 

flood, fill and reach. 

Oh! god god god ! 

------------------------------------------

there really is'nt much that i can say .  

FORMLESS, TO BE EVEYTHING AND NOTHING !!!!!!

My heart is burning and aching. The anger within me burning consuming my soul. Taking ALLLL ALLLL my body down with it. The Madness in my soul, Tormenting tormenting tormenting !!! I am Irrational and Insane. The daemon eating, killing me inside. I refuse to fall, REFUSE To subject myself. My muse, the drunk driver taking me away my mind soul body ALL into the pits. Hellish fury. Volcanic, eruption TO BECOME SYLVIA PLATH. TO BECOME TO BECOME DEMENTED, burry me under the covers of the coffin. Let them ship me away, to olympus. Not to Hades, where I am. Love is Hellish. Love is demented. Love is no more than the feeling in my head that causes the Enemy to take over. Love love love .... the gates of HELL !!!! 

Empty 

Narcotic desires 

The voices in my head are dizzy 

with the sounds of echoes.

Culminating into fleshless beasts 

zombies with no desire 

only to 

kill kill kill.

Hard rock 

the granite rock I cannot etch 

the blood boil over 

over into maddening desire 

I cannot work 

cannot, weather 

words all create 

Red sky in the night 

Pour Rain 

rain to wash away Bring me away with you 

into the Sewers where I belong 

In the depths of hell. 

Mulsh My brain full of nonsense 

the pain and suffering the tongues of hell 

burn me from inside.

Creatures birth from my soul

Daemons 

Pregnant woman feeding them 

devour them into a complex desire

breast feeding the shards of glass.

I break from convention 

Refuse to accept and run into ruin 

the place of new beginning 

to enter, bacon eggs ham 

The early morning nutrition 

is not required 

rather them the judges stand 

firm. The jury mocks 

and rings out: 

Guilty Guilty 

murderous fiend. 

Love is the cause, it is the cause it is the cause ! 

November the time of desire 

kill me now and take me away into the wintery furnace 

the wicked wicked pain that I will change to Passion 

the suicide note left behind.

Hanging hanging in mid air 

refusing to return 

the balloons in my hair

pulling me up. Like gas 

leaking into the neighbours floor 

melt their house 

tear it down 

and I no more. pain and sorrow Hate 

is all i can muster 

Wrapped under the red cloth 

they bong out my name

and ring the church bells 

offerings laid at my feet.

Like a god 

unable to manipulate desires 

irrational thought 

mess of mind 

NO MORE OF I.

serpents round my legs coil 

suffocate my soul 

formed in red 

painted stake in the demons heart. 

give it up 

there is no chance of more any more 

lacking lacking in the capacity 

loathe me 

I will cry a thousand tears 

till my eyes are worn out and 

my face melted 

like the wax dripping off. 

Silence plays the noise of sulfurous

vapors eating into my flesh 

breathing it all in 

and the narcotic smell 

heroin to me 

the drug that keeps me 

alive in the cool dew of morning. The ash of the eruption mask my misshapen mess

forming a mould.

And you come 

yes the witch, cold and yet so steady 

poking and prodding this ash, this grotesque monster.

eating it, licking it 

the coal on your tongue 

muddy and coarse 

coating the hurt 

repress the gate. cover all like pompeii 

Floods covet the land and sucks it in 

the waters wash over 

tides reside and blood makes the man rise 

the liquid veins filled with salt. 

heavy hands,cannot type the misunderstood words 

salvage the jew, the black, the gypsy

and it comes

it runs 

After, avoiding and beaming 

in the mad 

mad leafy morn. and i stand 

on the stool. 

praying my last breath 

will be swift and cool 

the pain turned to passion 

the cutting takes me only one last waft of air.

and i spin 

spin in the dizzy room 

blank walls 

blood all about, the surgical house 

wars and tors and hill and mountain 

peaks in my blood 

and I am floating 

floating 

my eyes dried out

my tongue dry, the palate a black mess 

and the stool 

rests on the floor, the bed the bed the covers pull them over the child.

love hear me

i no longer speak, whisper 

mesh and wires entangled 

a bear entrapped 

only desire 

the rebirth of deathly hearings 

my guilty name 

a sentence forever made. Halt and let me fly into 

the fury 

the pain and looping torture 

take take take my desire take loaf 

eat me from within 

this writhering soul 

curled up 

a cacoon hear me 

Lover the red 

scarlet scared kiss. soft and tender biting and poisonous 

and i flounder and 

it reaches my 

middle and kills kills kills 

no antidote 

take flakes of snow 

the tender soul 

flow away... river styx 

Confessional or not ? hmmmm

to be or not to be ... that is the question.

Confessional ? Anyway I have been receiving my new inspiration from the French world. However Sylvia Plath has greater and greater influence on my own life. I see more and more similarities nearly everyday... which sort of creeps me out but also give me great pleasure. hmmm duality - a clear Plath trait. Along with the face that she did not want to reside in a single form but in many formless and substance less state - stasis. So I must go and read other books, Anne Sexton, Robert Lowell and all the others. Currently i have given up on Ulysses for now. I have proceeded on to read Freud's interpretation of dreams. It is fantastic. So Reader, I pray you will not judge me but just enjoy my poetry for what it is and not compare it against other poems. so here goes.

Oh and one last thing : A poet's occupation is not to form words which rhyme, or sound beautiful. It is all about capturing the emotion at that moment. Poets do not depend on the words, we depend on the speed of capturing that emotion into stanzas. 

Ok now here goes :

Stupid man who is an idealist 

disillusioned by his own words.

Questions being asked, 

incapacity to reply. 

To stare is to cause trouble 

trouble is no matter to him 

Abused and stricken by the silence and 

static actions.

Disturbed both mind and heart 

inability to function. Paint me 

floating above, magpie, refusing to be grounded.

Logic, just a thorn in the flesh.

Test, tomorrow, 

Procrastinate and refuse to perform, the circus of balancing acts.

maladuous self induced 

anesthetic, ease. Narcotics freeze my senses.   

Love is a passionate thing 

only given to a few.

a chimera, changing and turning turning into 

a serpent. The demon turned inside out. 

the car must still move on 

the engine left along the road. 

the barren dessert 

with one blooming flower, naked in the sand. Teasing. 

Heat burns and cleanses me 

the operation on my skin, my sin.

sears the numbers I.O.I.I.T.4. 

the mirage. 

it cuts, stings, the chloroform  

wearing off. 

The gods standing around this 

baby, born. Screaming and shrieking. 

The Leaves are no subject to this 

only us man. 

The groveling creation of the lord.

Purity, a Rubbish love. 

Fine line between love and 

obsession. Dogma Dogma. 

let no man draw in the sand, nothing concrete

formless shapeless all contained, in a box. 

There the lovers 

the two sitting and swaying. Nothing 

Action speaks louder than words 

bending and their voices, a mix. echo echo in the deep

mindless. hands clasp 

the fan spinning over them dizzy.

Breathless, pain 

and I breathe again. 

Poetry, A torture 

a deception. 

corrupt practices that kill my miracle. 

Attached to the shadow, 

the nigger I control 

insoluble, feasting on me. 

Solemn, as the pope serves the communion wine 

spilt everywhere. Clumsy

dreams fill my head

the floating, fleeting moments of amnesia 

empty empty 

darkness. 

I cannot reign sovereign 

the machines overtake me. 

I am run over, I rise but am compressed 

the glass ceiling above me. 

look but cannot touch 

hear her voice 

as the gas begins to fill 

and starts to kill kill 

kill. 

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Notre Dame de Paris ... searching the skies !

The coloured stained glass... the gothic architecture and the mysterie the mighty mysterie of Le Cathedrale Notre Dame de Paris. And it has currently been my current inspiration of writing and the beauty of the architecture is manifique ! 

so here is a clip from Notre Dame de Paris le Musical. 

And now carrying on. I have been thinking too much and nuff said. Here is a poem. 

Clouds 

Linking Heaven and Earth 

the bubbles rise up ward 

like the clouds of Hiroshima and Nagasaki. 

Man made clouds 

the pursuit of reaching God. 

Climb the ladder 

and find the nothingness at the end. 

The cirrus clouds 

spirits floating above from heaven 

they see hell 

the hell we suffer below. A

Party is being held. 

My mind encapsulates it all 

fixed in abstraction 

I destroy all Creation. 

Damn Gaia ! Damn Demeter, Damn it all. 

Fire and Brimstone I call 

upon this sodom and gomorra! 

God has abdicated. 

 

And I take control. Destroy it all. Rebuild it from the beginning again !

In my beginning, 

In my anger, I made separate the heavens earth 

call the sun the luna, throwing into empty space the violent stars 

black seas conjured up 

sky, the mist covering this rock rises from the demon grass. 

lecherous blossoms plague the land, as beasts and monsters roam the land.

And now, now I take the clay and mould 

pressing and on the wheel 

I make 

man. A formidable opponent. Let him 

Fail, the woman cutting into his rib, 

split his mind. 

The demon in the angel

white

gruel is what i feed on 

the sparrows eat better than I. 

Recreate Recreate ! 

The priest with his mindless chants, in the lost tongue 

and I, the pope, see all, 

instructor of my minions.

But who comes pass the gate

who make the prayer

that haunting voice 

the candles flicker at her entrance.  

The great warrior 

waits waits outside the mighty gate 

waiting patient and 

I, a prisoner in my heaven. 

And she brings my paradise 

to hell. 

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Right that was one rant... carrying on, my second poem on moi lolita ( yes it is very seldom that i write 2 poems in one day) 

Ghost

Missing from consciousness

I have not seen 

not followed, the gypsy that has bewitched my soul. 

Her dance 

is a tease to me 

poise and petit, the manner of her 

from the tip of her nose to her feet. 

takes my breath away. 

The ballet of her walk, all balanced. 

the stained glass of her eyes 

reflects beauty, the montage, painting the mona lisa. 

Guarded by gargoyles 

the towers with the saints standing by 

to judge the man 

to condemn him, let him claim "sanctuary !" 

the child like scrawl 

covers the paper 

a beauty, a childish nature

moi lolita. 

sitting there 

enticing me, I would have made a step if i were brave 

but no no, though my weathered exterior 

I am a timid dove. 

But it is she 

witch, putting a spell that causes my heart to 

beat, put back my life in me 

sew onto the linen of my heart. 

Threading 

piercing and weaving in her 

tender touch 

but firm the tension. binds it all. 

And I am trapped in the cage of desire 

the lost creature who is in 

love. With the great lady warrior.    

the other poem i will post later... enjoy 

glug glug glug.... and it all down the drain

Woot! I am done for the week, it is over, I don't have to stand around emotionless serving customers at the bookshop !!! Ok ok on to more serious stuff... I need a new fountain pen, the old one is growing on me and I have a unquenchable desire for a new fountain to scribble all over with. Hopefully a parker vaccumatic, really saving up to get that bugger. Oh... and I have this current fascination with gypsies. Why ? I really don't know, maybe it is their lifestyle, free and nomadic. Also their superstitions and beliefs along with their music and of course who can forget, freedom ... hmm i think i already mentioned that. Anyway here is a poem which i Wrote a day ago and forgot all about it. here goes. 

Winter! Turn back time 

Autumn,Summer

Spring, Love in the air 

cool nights, breeze in her hair 

fluous language, no words can tell 

the volumes, the scriptures all permeate the unenlightened. 

And I stand 

the train is late, half past four.

Sickened, hundreds waiting, baggage 

clutter the station.

And she stands, resting her head against the 

mighty pillars holding up the architecture 

curves and lights, play, ignorance is bliss

the train arrives 

Fills the station with white fog 

Blocking vision 

suffocating senses, olympus ? only a state of Nirvana 

a God induced madness

relieving the past, i board the train.

Carrying my dead feet, 

rooted to the platform 

the moving animal 

the noise is unbearable. 

I am haunted by her figure. 

she stands there 

the shadows engulf her 

dark figure in the pillar. Ghostly, stained glass windows. 

Repeated announcements waft on the air

muffles, muffins being ordered from the boulangerie

I sit in the cabin, claustrophobic

and call out to her, still by the pillar. 

She stands outside the window 

the window, a frame of the mona lisa. 

Birth of venus by Michaelangelo

Le Grand Louvre.   

Her breath misty, in the winter cold 

steam emits 

misting up the window, I no longer see her, the beauty of Paris 

gone. 

Cathedrale De Notre Dame, her eyes look down in sympathy. 

Her Silhouette, remains entranced in my mind 

her figure, the Madonna 

stately, standing, justice and proud, 

Arc de Tromphie.

A horn blows through 

ricochetting through the station 

her body livens up 

the sleeping beauty, arising. Poison waning. 

Dawning, moving upon the train station 

pillars move, the smoke emits 

chug through, picking speed. 

blur. 

I run through 

abandoning, luggage all behind 

a passport and my wallet. 

the final moment, jump! 

My knees grazing on the hard floor. 

the blood line, on the marble flooring. A bohemian art. 

Back on the platform, still there ? 

ma cherie ? 

No more, the pillar abandoned, 

the Eiffel tower, her figure, structured and composed. 

The station abandoned. 

Only clocks and numbers, the Montmarte ! Oh Mon Dieu 

Band of thieves, darkness ensues, the station plunged into the Revolution. 

Red, the sign of the Communists, they have come. Dieu ! receves mon ame! 

The newspapers litter the station 

tales of fiction. a mess, tossed up by the wind. 

A note left, a scarlet letter, 

written in the language of the lovers. 

J'ai lassie la station,  

ne me suis pas plus !       

I have left the station 

follow me no more. 

The next train comes next morning 

3 'o' clock, Tres bien 

I rest, on the bench. Open to all. 

the magpie lands near. 

cold, cold. 

and faintly i can hear her sounds. 

Et le cloches sonnent 

sonnent a ma vie. sonnent dans la station 

echo d'echo. 

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